


Conflicted

by PurpleNachos



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV), Walking Dead
Genre: Action, Beth - Freeform, Daryl - Freeform, Dean - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, Fluffy, Jeffrey - Freeform, Lemon, Lime, Love, Lucille - Freeform, Maggie - Freeform, Michonne - Freeform, Morgan - Freeform, Negan - Freeform, Norman - Freeform, Reedus, Richonne - Freeform, Rick - Freeform, Sanctuary, Smut, abraham - Freeform, carl - Freeform, conflicted - Freeform, dixon - Freeform, dwight - Freeform, espinosa - Freeform, fight, glenn - Freeform, god damn, grimes - Freeform, hershell, judith - Freeform, motorcycle, negan is hot as balls, reader - Freeform, rhee, rosita - Freeform, saviors, saviours - Freeform, seriously, you - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-07-28 16:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 71,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7648009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleNachos/pseuds/PurpleNachos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fanfic basically just based on a few stories I've made up in my head so not sure how it'll go and how long it'll go on for. First chapter just setting the scene. Would love to hear some comments :)</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Meeting the Man

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic basically just based on a few stories I've made up in my head so not sure how it'll go and how long it'll go on for. First chapter just setting the scene. Would love to hear some comments :)

“Pissing out pants yet?” A thud came from the nearby RV that once belonged to our group, as the man who I could only assume was the dreaded Negan stepped out, and gazed upon us all, kneeling beneath him. He had thick dark hair, brown or black maybe, with flecks of silver shining through his rugged beard and dark eyes that gleamed as he smiled his wicked smile. He looked tall and of an athletic build I assumed, beneath his distressed leather jacket and tucked away neat red scarf, but above all I was fixated on what was swinging in his hand. Wrapped coarsely in reels and reels of barbed wire was a large blunt baseball bat, which he gripped tightly and swung with pride.

“Boy do I have a feeling we’re getting close. Yep… It’s gonna be pee-pee pants city here reaaal soon. Which one of you pricks is the leader?” He smiled. He was enjoying toying with our fates, and I felt what was fear manifesting into rage. After making his way to Rick, still shaking with panic still spread across his face, he began introducing himself. I zoned out only catching small parts of his big speech. I really should’ve been listening but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about Daryl, how could I get to him and how could I help him. His whole body was shaking, dripping in sweat, and his face was paler than I’d ever seen. He was hurt, badly, judging from the dirty red stained throw over his shoulder. All I wanted to do was run to him and throw my arms around him, and somehow tell him that everything would be okay... but it wouldn’t.

“You ready? Here goes. Pay attention. Give me your shit... or I will kill you. Today was career day. We invested a lot so you would know who I am and what I can do. You work for me now. You have shit, you give it to me. That's your job.”

_Who is this asshole?_

Just then, he turned from being invasively close to Ricks face and looked directly at me, the grin growing wider on his face. It was almost as if he had heard my thoughts. If he wasn’t who he was, I might’ve even said his smile was charming. He was the devil in disguise alright. He took a few steps until he was stood before me and dragged me up by my hands that were bound before me. I’d come face to face with a monster.

“Well… Look what the fuck we have here boys. She’s pretty,” he said with a slight laugh aimed at his men. “Don’t see many girls like you around these days. You Rick’s girl, princess?”

Before I could answer, Rick frantically shook his head and told him no, I wasn’t his. I could hear his desperation, trying to keep me safe, each and every one of us. I remained silent, pursing my lips, wanting nothing more than to put my hands around Negan’s neck and see the life drain from his face. I glanced at Daryl, still shaking, but still breathing. _Shit... did Negan just see that…_

“Him? You belong to this sorry son of a bitch?” he said with a raised voice as he pointed his bloodied weapon in Daryl’s direction. I just shook my head side to side a little, not saying a word – determined not to give him what he wants, to not be a part of this little game he’s playing.

He laughed to himself before once again opening his smug mouth. “Is that so? Tell you what darlin’, if you aint his, why don’t you show me some fuckin’ gratitude and give me a kiss.”


	2. This is Lucille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, the character I've chosen for something big to happen to in this is in no way a reflection on spoilers for the TV series, it's just what fits in this story. Hope you like it.

_A kiss? Did I actually just hear that? What kind of sick..._

Negan’s raised eyebrow and smirk was interrupted when Daryl’s coarse and struggling voice shouted out no, collapsing forward as he said it. Daryl had always protected me, right from the very beginning and even after he’d come to realise I didn’t really need protecting. I’d grown so close to him; we were pretty much inseparable. We hunted together, went on runs together, even shared a home back in Alexandria. We laughed and we flirted but always ignored any feelings for each other, even when we were teased endlessly by the others.

Negan let out a little chuckle to himself again and stroked his fingers through his rough, silvery beard, before storming towards Daryl and gripping the bat in his hand even tighter. “I reaaally don’t like to be interrupted.’ He raised the barbaric weapon and flung it down into Daryl’s side repeatedly with such force I thought this could be the end for him. I screamed and begged for him to stop, tears streaming down my face and feeling like my body would collapse if this went on any longer. I felt like I’d been ripped apart inside. Walkers biting and ripping me limb from limb would be less painful than this.

Negan surprisingly complied and sauntered back to where I was still standing with the bat resting back on his shoulders, smiling again, as if he’d just won something and come to claim his prize. “Gonna kiss me now, sweetie?” I felt sick as the words left his mouth, and glanced back to Daryl who was now lying on the floor breathing heavily in between groaning with pain. _What do I do? Maybe he’ll leave him alone. Maybe he’ll let us go. I have to do something…_

I looked up at his piercing eyes, I hated them, but I had no choice. I leaned forward, close enough to feel his warm breath on my face and kissed him lightly on his lips. They were soft and inviting, not at all like I had expected them to be, although I hadn’t kissed anybody in such a long time. It was a quick kiss but as I pulled back, I felt his hand tightly gripping the back of my neck pressing me into him further for a little more. He released me and shot me a playful wink that made my stomach turn. Still addressing me, he began to speak.

“I don’t like these pricks. But you… you I like. You wanna come back with me darlin? I’ll treat you reaaal nice,” he offered, as his fingers grazed my cheek. I shook my head not making a sound. “You sure ‘bout that? Speak up darlin’, none of this mute bullshit.”

“Yeah. Yes.”

“Yes, _what_?” he sniggered.

“Yes, asshole.”

 _Shit! Did I just say that out loud?_   Suddenly I felt the cold, sharp wire pressing against my face, as Negan held his weapon close to me and his face looked… well… unimpressed. He broke out into a small laugh, lowering his ‘friend’ and began pacing before the group, starting up his speech again. “Where was I… the pretty blonde girl distracted me. Oh yeah. So, you killed my people, a whole lot of them actually. More than I'm comfortable with. And for that, for that you're gonna pay. So, now... I'm gonna beat the holy hell outta one of you.” He lowered the bat from his shoulder into his hands, as a look of pride engulfed his face and he showed her off as if one of his most prized possessions. “This-- this is Lucille, and she is awesome. All this, all this is just so we can pick out which one of you gets the honour.”

“See, I gotta pick somebody. Everybody's at the table waiting for me to order.” That wicked smile of his appeared once again, as he paced back and forth whistling to himself as he thought. “I simply cannot decide.” “I got an idea.” He laughed, and looked in my direction once more and winked, before placing the bat in front of Daryl’s face, one by one moving it before our faces. “Eenie... meenie... miney... mo... catch... a tiger... by... his toe. If... he hollers... let him go. My mother... told me... to pick the very best one... and you... are... it.”

Abraham. No…

“Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy's other eye out and feed it to his father and then we'll start. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Hell, you're all gonna be doing that.”

He swung the bat down to Abraham’s sides, beating him bloody with such force whilst Abraham tried to fight the pain as we all screamed, yelled and cried for him. “Ho! Ho! Look at that. Taking it like a champ!” Negan said with glee before continuing without any hesitance or mercy.

His arms, his legs, and then his head, beaten brutally until he wasn’t Abraham anymore. Nothing more than a fleshy mess and pool of blood on the floor.

It was done, and I felt… numb.


	3. Infection Spreads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little longer than I'd planned but hopefully you don't mind :) Thank you for the bookmarks and kudos, it means a lot and inspires me to keep writing.

It’d been two days since our meet in the woods with the Saviours and their merciless leader Negan. We were home in Alexandria, behind our reinforced walls and our locked doors, with our running water and power, almost as if the world hadn’t gone to shit and our hearts weren’t currently broken and grieving. A ridiculous thought – ‘home.’ Somewhere you feel comfortable and safe, but Alexandria was neither of those and I highly doubted anywhere ever would be.

I was bitter like everybody else, but focusing on my concern for Daryl only amplified my feelings. It was late and at this time of night I could usually hear through the walls the low grumbling of him snoring. Instead of being just in the next room, he was holed up in the infirmary getting worse by the hour. I’d spent every night and most of every day by his side since we’d been back, but tonight I’d been berated into giving him some space and allowing myself to get a decent night’s sleep by Kent. He was one of the original Alexandrians and had worked alongside Denise treating people during previous attacks from walkers and the Wolves. I had a little medical training myself from being a surgical nurse for a short time, but it had been a long time since that… and besides, I was better and hunting and killing the dead now. That was never a welcoming thought to end the day on, but it was the last thought I had that night as I tossed and turned under the covers eventually giving into sleep.

The next morning, I leapt out of bed, pulling on the first clothes I could find and rushing through my morning routine eager to check on Daryl. After washing my face with a hot face cloth and brushing my teeth vigorously, I stared into the mirror for a moment, noticing how heavy my eyes looked and if I was being honest, they felt it too. I brushed the thought away and combed through my hair tucking some of it behind my ear, secretly hoping I looked nice for him - as if that was a priority. I ran down the stairs and choosing not to stop for a cup of coffee first, dashed out the house and headed straight for the infirmary.

“Wondered how long it’d be before you turned up,” Kent said as he greeted me with a soft smile. I offered one back as a polite gesture and asked him how Daryl was doing, trying not to sound too concerned and overbearing.

“Not good. He’s been up all night and only just drifted off to sleep. He could really use some decent pain relief to help him rest, but we’re having to make do with what we have right now.” We’d been looking in Daryl’s direction as we spoke, until Kent motioned for me to move a little further from him before he sighed, and continued speaking. “We’re worried about infection. We’ve managed to stop the bleeding but he’s still shaking and sweating. We _need_ antibiotics.”

“Okay. I’ll see what I can do. Maybe Hilltop can help, I remember they said they had meds. What’re you thinking, morphine for the pain and cephalexin for infection?” I responded and he raised his eyebrows a little.

“Yeah… that’d be good. Maybe doxycycline or clindamycin if you can’t got hold of that.”

I nodded and turned my back on him to leave, before pausing at the door. “If he wakes up and I’m not here...”

“I’ll tell him,” he cut me off and offered me another warm smile as I left. Stood on the porch outside, I rubbed my hands over my face and exhaled, feeling tense about the journey ahead of me. I could only hope that my sincere desperation would be enough to gauge their sympathy.

As I began making my way towards the entrance of Alexandria, heading for the cars and trucks lined up ready for supply runs, Rick caught my eye as he walked in my direction. I’d hoped to get away without any interaction and particularly any protest from anybody, but in reality, that was unlikely.

“How’s he doin’?” He called out to me, gesturing towards the infirmary. A look of frustration spread across my face, knowing all too well the answer wasn’t good.

“He needs meds.”

“We’re giving him all we got, Y/N. If we could do more, we would. Heath and the guys will keep looking for supplies, he’ll be okay. Try not to worry.”

“No. We need them now. He’s getting worse.” We were both quiet for a moment. He was trying to be supportive, but it just wasn’t enough for me right now.

“I’m going to Hilltop. Alone. They have meds, they could have what he needs,” I admitted.

He stepped back and shook his head immediately. “No. I can’t let you do that. It’s not safe out there for you right now. Not with those people out there. We don’t know where they are, they could be watching us right now. Ain’t happening.” Rick was firm with his response, as he was with everything, and I appreciated his caring and protective nature, but I was determined and nothing would stop me.

“I wasn’t asking, Rick.”

“Yeah? And what do you think he’d have to say about that, Y/N?” His voice was raised now and he gestured towards the infirmary behind me as he mentioned Daryl. “What if he wakes up and you aren’t there, and I gotta tell him I let you go off on your own… knowing full well who’s out there and what they’re capable of."

“I don’t give a shit. You’ll tell him I’ve gone to get some meds to save his fucking life. And when I do and he’s better, he’ll be alive so he can say whatever the hell he wants, to me. I’m going.”

It was clear from Rick’s expression that he was wound up, as we stood in silence once more. He ran his hand over his beard and sighed before unexpectedly reaching into his back pocket. His arm reached forward and held out a key attached to an old, tattered key chain of some kind.

“Go on then. Take the Ford at the front, before I change my mind.”

A smile spread across my face as I grabbed the key from him and hugged him tightly, thanking him as I did. As he walked away and climbed the porch behind me, he turned to me and said sternly, “Oh and Y/N. Don’t die.”

I practically skipped to the front gate, climbed into the beaten up old car and started up the engine. It started first time to my relief, and it wasn’t long before I was out on the open road heading for Hilltop. Everything was going to be fine.


	4. The Road to Hilltop

It was a warm, sunny day, and driving along with the car windows down and the cool breeze blowing through my hair reminded me of a time before all this, when I’d take to the roads and just be alone, feeling free. I used to sneak out at night and drive round alone, making sense of my thoughts, sometimes even stopping to gaze at the stars and enjoy the silence. I thought about the day trips I used to take to the beach with my friends, laughter filling the air and not a care in the world. If somebody told me back then how different my life would be now, about the dead… I’d have laughed in their face. I’d tell them they’d been watching too many movies and needed to get out more.

I used to love to drive into the city, grab a coffee in a small cosy coffee shop and get lost in a good book, or sometimes I’d stare out into the bustling high street and people watch, contemplating the different lives going on before me. I still enjoy my hands behind the wheel, the speed and adrenaline, but I don’t get the opportunity often. And as for the reading and people watching, these days it’s more like tracking wild animals to hunt, not to mention killing walkers. I liked to hunt, it was peaceful and it gave me something to focus on, a sense of determination. Killing walkers, well, I enjoyed it more than seeing them roam and hearing their coarse, desperate growls as they yearned for flesh.

Just as I thought about the dead, my eyes widened and I rolled the car to a stop as I spotted a walker, feebly dragging its mangled body across the road before me. I didn’t like to see them or leave them like this, and so gripping one of my few knives tucked into my belt, I checked the wooded area around me for any signs of danger before I popped out of the car to make my way over to the fleshy remains of what once was a living person. It was a young woman, I realised looking down at its discoloured and decomposing face. From the looks of it, she’d been out here and like this for a while. Her hair was a sparse dirty blonde, tangled and distressed and her clothes had worn thin, but still attached was a faded name badge of some kind that I could barely make out – Anna. She had a job before all this, probably friends and a family that loved her too. She was somebody. I shook my head to clear the thoughts away and reached down, plunging my knife through her thick skull. Best not to leave them like this, I thought, wiping the blood from my blade on her clothing.

I climbed back into the car and kept driving, my mind now unable to think of anything else other the walker. _Strange_ , I thought to myself, _where are they all?_ I’d been driving for thirty minutes, with only ten more to go until I’d reach the Hilltop colony, and usually there were at least half a dozen scattered around. Maybe the people at Hilltop had been clearing the area. Everyone from Alexandria did, even Rosita and I would frequently head out to clear up the nearby vicinity as a sort of therapeutic training exercise. Either way, it wasn’t something to complain about.

Soon enough I was driving up the rough, beaten track to the Hilltop colony, setting my sights on their impressive, large wooden perimeter with guards atop the fences at either sides of the gate. I waved as I pulled up and motioned for them to open but instead they looked between one another and back at their camp, with a shifty expression on their faces that made me uneasy. As they motioned for another to join them, I saw a familiar face from my previous visit here and was relieved. He was a tall man with long brown facial hair and he called himself Jesus, and although I hadn’t known him too long, he seemed compassionate and understanding which were rare qualities in people these days. He too looked down at me beneath their walls with a certain hesitancy.

_What are they doing? Are they going to let me in?_

I grew frustrated and desperate, and so I beeped the horn on the car, loud for all to hear.

“Okay okay, stop. We’ll open up,” he yelled down at me.

Sure enough the large wooden gates rolled open and I slowly drove the car just beyond their gates. Jesus greeted me as I got out of the car with a look of concern on his face.

“Hey, something wrong? I need to speak to your doctor,” I asked, puzzled at his expression.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” he said with a troubled look on his face, as he nodded his head in the direction of some commotion going on behind me.

I turned to see trucks piled up just around the corner from the entrance, with men scattered everywhere that I didn’t recognise. Their clothing didn’t match that of those at Hilltop and their appearance was rough and brazen. Saviours.

_Fuck._

My eyes darted amongst them in a panic, searching the men for one in particular. One whose face I would never forget and certainly didn’t want to see. _Phew,_ no sign of Negan. I felt myself exhale slightly, but heard an all too familiar voice before I could turn back to my friend with the long beard.

“Well if it isn’t the fuckin’ angel from Alexandria. To what do we owe this pleasure?”

“Negan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something tells me things are about to get interesting...


	5. Make Me A Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long sorry. I actually cut parts out of this chapter too.

Everything appeared quite clear to me now, the commotion and activity going on around me. The rough, fearless looking Saviours brandishing their weapons had come to collect resources from no doubt what was once a thriving community. Or should I say… collecting income. _That’s what they saw it as, right_? Their payment for not brutally murdering them all, which I was more than sure they were capable of doing. Upon further inspection, they appeared to be loading up the trucks with various items, collecting everything from the essentials – medication, fuel and food, to clothing and even basic furniture.

 “Well?” Negan questioned impatiently, drawing my attention back to him. “What the fuck are you doing here? Cause I know you didn’t come all this way from that pretty little village you’re holed up in just to suck my dick.” A cocky smirk spread across his face at what was clearly an arousing prospect for him. For the second time, his eyes explored my body before returning to meet my own.

 _Is this guy for real?_ I involuntarily rolled my eyes, unimpressed with his remark. Clearly not the response he was looking for, as his eyebrow raised and his eyes bore into me waiting for an answer.

“I’m here to see the doctor. I didn’t know you’d be here…’

“I guess it’s just your lucky day,” he replied with a wink, still grinning from ear to ear.

I turned to meet my acquaintance Jesus but he was no longer by my side. Instead, I saw him emerging from a nearby building, glancing in my direction. He was accompanied by an older man, who wore clean, neat clothing and had his greying hair trimmed and tied back. I remembered him well from my last visit here; he was the doctor at Hilltop and had spoken to us briefly when we first arrived, as well as when we brought in Maggie that night. He seemed caring enough and maintained a benevolent attitude when others were around as well as having a certain trustworthy appeal that put me at ease.

Ignoring Negan’s presence completely, I walked away from him in the direction of the doctor, hoping to speak to him without an audience or at the very least without Negan’s presence dominating the conversation. I should’ve known that would never happen, as from the moment I walked away, he followed me closely and remained at a distance well enough to hear every word.  

“Doc. Hi, I don’t know if you remember me…”

He nodded in response and offered a warm smile as he spoke. “Yes, I remember. Y/N. Are you and your people doing well? Are you here to check on your friend?”

“Not exactly.” My voice was shaky and I hesitated.

“I need your help. My friend, back in Alexandria – he’s sick. He’s had a gunshot wound to the shoulder; we got the bullet out and cleaned everything up but he’s badly suffering. He won’t rest, he’s up all night in pain and barely managing to sleep. We could really do with some morphine for his pain if you have it, maybe it’ll relax him enough to lay still and let his body actually heal. And… we’re worried about infection. He’s still really pale, shivering and visibly sweating. Our doc says needs cephalexin or doxycycline. I really wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, and if there’s anything you need that I can get you to trade I will.”

The doctor’s usual warm demeanour had disappeared and a sombre expression had taken over his face. He sighed deeply and looked into my eyes as he spoke. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help you. We haven’t seen morphine for a long time, not since the beginning and we were using it to treat roamer bites. And all we have in the way of antibiotics is Amoxicillin and some small amounts of Cipro and Levaquin.” He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder as he apologised again. I nodded in response but stayed silent, too afraid that instead, tears would gush down my face knowing that I had tried but in my best efforts, failed to bring back what I needed to save Daryl from further pain… or worse.

My face felt hot and I felt defeated. I didn’t want to linger around this place a moment longer, seeing as it was swarming with Saviours, and so I turned away from the building back towards my car. I’d somehow figure out what I’d say to everyone back home during the car journey back.

As I came closer to him, I glanced towards the tall, dark, menacing figure that was Negan to see his eyes still on me. He looked rough and rugged and admittedly handsome, but I had far more contradicting words to describe him with. _Loathsome, vile, deplorable, sleazy, offensive, detestable._

His arm suddenly extended before me and within seconds he was stood in my way. He peered down into my face and raised a hand to touch my face, instantaneously instilling fear and making my heart pound. “Somethin’ wrong, princess? That boyfriend of yours got a fuckin’ booboo?” The corners of his mouth perked upwards, as he spoke in a condescending manner. Instead of engaging him, I stepped out of his way and continued walking towards the car, but he continued to follow me.

“Aren’t you even gonna ask?” he called out.

I reluctantly stopped and sighed, turning to face him. “Ask what,” I said, very matter of the fact. _So much for not engaging him._

“For the meds you want. You do want them, don’t ya? I can help you out, sweetie.”

“And you’d do that I suppose, out of the pure kindness of your heart,” I replied sarcastically, trying not to be drawn in by his proposition.

Negan had advanced on me quite a bit and by now was standing uncomfortably close to my body. I could see in detail the silver hairs accentuating his rugged, manly beard; that his thick bouncy hair was in fact black and that his eyes were quite clearly dark brown with flecks of green throughout.

“Not quite,” he said with a small laugh to himself. “You want the meds, you gotta make me a deal.”

“What is it that you want then, Negan?”

His smile grew even more from the satisfaction of hearing his name leave my mouth, and just then his face became unbearably close to my own. His eyes shifted down a little to my parted lips before he quickly pushed his own onto mine, for a quick but forceful kiss. Before I could react, it was over.

_Is that it? That’s all he wants?_

“Tomorrow, we’re gonna come and pillage your precious little fuckin’ village for half your shit. And when we do, I’ll have the stuff that you need, and if you want it… you can take it. But…” His gaze on me intensified and he paused.

_Of course that wasn’t all he wanted._

“…You and that pretty little ass of yours has to come back to the Sanctuary with me, for one week.”

I opened my mouth but no words could escape. I was in shock. It was my move, and it was as if I’d forgotten how to even play.

Negan laughed to himself louder this time, clearly pleased with my shocked expression to his proposition. “Relax doll, you sleep on it. You got until tomorrow morning to decide.”


	6. Dumb Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet but I hope you all like it. I'm loving the interaction between characters here :)

I left Hilltop that afternoon shortly after my conversation with Negan, not wanting to linger in such an uncomfortable and tense environment. Besides, time was getting on and I wanted to get back to Daryl. He was probably awake now and would be wondering where I was. I’d only been gone for half the day and I was already beginning to miss him.

The journey home took longer than usual now that I was driving at a normal speed. I guess I was stalling the inevitable difficult conversation I’d be having with the group when I returned. There’s no way they’d go for what he’d proposed. _It’s not like I need their permission…_ There was no doubt that my mind was clouded, mentally pacing back and forth considering my options. I can stay and best case scenario Daryl recovers after a while – unlikely given the state of him only yesterday. Worst case scenario, well, I don’t want to think about it. Or I can get what I need and he’ll pull through quickly with any luck, but I have to go with Negan, the foulest man I’d ever been so unfortunate to meet, who for some reason had taken a liking to me. Maybe he hadn’t taken a liking to me actually, maybe he was just enjoying his twisted little games, torturing our group and causing more havoc. _Why did that even matter?_ I knew my answer already, but continued to deceive myself into thinking I had an option. The thoughts spun round and round in my head for the entire journey back to Alexandria and soon enough, I was welcomed back amongst my friends.

As I passed through our large, wrought iron gate, I left the car parked up alongside the others and head further into our small village. The first face I met was Rosita’s, one of my closest friends, who ran to me with a smile on her face and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. I felt a wave of relief and smiled as I hugged her back.

“Hey, I heard you went to Hilltop? Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have gone with you,” she questioned.

“Trust me, when I tell you, you’ll be glad you stayed here. Besides, I didn’t wanna cause a commotion. It was enough getting past Rick. You know what he’s like.”

“What d’you mean when I tell you, did something happen? Did you get what you needed?” she replied, with a look of concern on her face.

“Not exactly. I’ll explain later, just do me a favour and let everyone know I’m back and we need a meeting, my place in an hour? I wanna go see how Daryl’s doing.”

“Yeah sure. Good luck though, he wasn’t exactly thrilled when he heard you’d gone off,” she said as she rolled her eyes and we both laughed a little. I waved her goodbye and headed towards the infirmary. I paused as I gripped the door handle bracing myself for what would follow, but my face soon lit up as I heard Daryl’s coarse voice growling at somebody inside. I walked in and was happy to see him sat upright in his bed with one leg dangling off the edge. He still looked as ill as when I’d left him, but this time the corners of his mouth turned upwards as I caught his eye.

“’Bout time you showed up. Heard ya been off on a little day trip, thought I said…’ but I cut him off quickly before he could lecture me.

“Since when have I listened to anything you’ve ever said?” I said with a little chuckle.

“Aint funny. It aint safe out there you know that. And don’t gimme that you can protect yourself crap, still aint safe. Shouldn’t have gone.” He was serious as he spoke and also a little huffy, which admittedly I found rather cute. I loved any time he showed he cared.

“I’m fine Daryl, right back here to be the pain in your neck you always wanted. Anyways, it’s not my fault you’re not keeping a close enough eye on me.” I shot him a playful smile and he laughed under his breath. He never stayed mad at me for long.

“Get what the doc asked for then?”

 I paused, feeling disheartened that my trip to Hilltop hadn’t gone to plan. “No, not really.”

“S’okay.” He saw the despondent expression on my face as I thought about Negan’s proposition and about how disappointed in me he’d be. He nudged my arm and spoke, “Hey, it will be. Don’t ya know? I’m Daryl Dixon, don’t need no modern medicine bullshit. Rub some fuckin’ dirt on it, I’ll be fine.” We both laughed but he and I both knew all too well that he wasn’t fine, and he wasn’t going to be fine any time soon without some decent antibiotics. We talked for a little longer - I asked how he was feeling and he asked about the rest of group and even joked that I break him out of the infirmary so he can at least sleep in a decent bed.

“Ugh, I better get going anyway. Gotta go talk to Rick bout something,” I eventually said as I realised how late it was getting, which prompted Daryl to raise an eyebrow at me and look at me with confusion. “Everything’s fine, don’t worry. I’ll seeya tomorrow, bright and early Daryl Dixon,” I said with a wink, as I squeezed his hand tightly and left.

It _was_ getting late, and everyone was crowded around the porch to my home chatting amongst themselves. I must’ve lost track of time as it appeared I was the last to arrive, so I ran down to join them and let them all inside. One by one, everyone greeted me and welcomed me back until everyone was gathered around in the living area and I started to feel anxious once more.

As everyone fell quiet and looked towards me to speak, I felt nervous and shifted around a little before Rick addressed me. “Y/N, what’s going on,” he said above the others. “How’d it go at Hilltop?”

I avoided his eye contact but eventually mustered up the courage to speak. “Well… not exactly as planned. That’s why I called you guys here. I ran into Negan, he was there.” Their mouths dropped and they became suddenly very alarmed as they frantically questioned if I was okay and what had happened before finally calming down and allowing me to speak once more. “I’m fine, but the doc at Hilltop didn’t have what we need for Daryl, and he’s in desperate need of those meds. He’s not getting any better and we need him back to full health. So then, something sort of happened.” They were all listening intently at this point. “Negan kind of offered me what we need. But there’s a catch… I have to go stay at the Sanctuary for one week in return for them.”

Rick immediately stood up and paced the room, clearly furious at such an absurd request. The others faces were a mixture of confusion, shock and anger as they all began speaking over one another.

“No way, you can’t.” Michonne said firmly.

“No fucking way,” Rosita – outraged.

“What?!” Carl and Edith both piped up.

Then came Rick who was firm and aggressive in his response. “No. I won’t let him come here, and take one of ours. You belong here, not there with him and those murdering thugs. We’ll do everything we can, we’ll put up more defences, we’ll put up more guard posts, we’ll keep you well hidden…”

“No.” My voice cut through everyone’s bickering and frantic conversation and the room fell silent. “We need this, for Daryl. We can’t risk him going without and we certainly can’t hold off on the hopes that we’ll just so happen to come across what we need on a random supply run. Negan’s coming tomorrow to collect half our stuff, like he said. He said he’ll have the meds and I can take them if I go with him, and I’m going to. It’s just one week. It’ll be okay, _I’ll_ be okay.”

Everyone looked defeated and saddened at my decision, and Rick ran his hands over his face in an exasperated manner.

Rosita then spoke up, looking at me with sorrow in her eyes as if she was desperately pleading with me.  “Y/N, you don’t have to do this. We can’t ask you to do this,” she said looking amongst the others for support. “We won’t.”

“You’re not asking, it’s my decision. I’m sorry, I really am, but we haven’t got a choice.”

“The hell you don’t.” I swallowed a lump in my throat. I knew that angry, coarse voice better than anything. As I turned towards the door knowing very well what I would see, Daryl stood in the doorway gripping the door frame, looking weak and unstable but infuriated. Actually, he looked angrier than I’d ever seen him and I was a little afraid of what was to come. We were both silent for a moment, as Rick motioned for everyone to leave and give us some privacy.

“Daryl, I…”

“Na. Don’t think for a fuckin’ second this is happenin’. You aint doin’ this shit and you aint doin’ it for me neither. Dumb bitch. You must be dumber than you fuckin’ look if you think I’m seriously gonna let him come in here and just fuckin’ take you just like that. And what, you didn’t think you should tell me somethin’ like this? Like I didn’t need to know, or some shit?! What, were ya just gonna go and hope I didn’t fuckin’ find out?”

Daryl stumbled looking like he was about to pass out, but held himself up just in time. He wouldn’t admit just how bad his wound was affecting him. Even this argument was proving too much for him.

“Daryl, I’m sorry but I have to do something! I can help you if I do this!”

Daryl’s words were bitter and full of rage. “Don’t want your fuckin’ help do I?! Definitely don’t want anything from that son of a bitch. Have you even fuckin’ thought about this? What do you think he’s gonna do to ya if you go there with him? Probably beat ya, rape ya, who fuckin’ knows… you’re fuckin’ stupid for doin’ this.” Daryl walked out the door, slamming it behind him best he could, before struggling back to the infirmary.

His words had devastated me. Did he really think I was just some dumb bitch, as he so eloquently put it? Did he not see why I was doing all of this? Despite it all, every hurtful word, he was right about one thing – I _don’t_ know what’s going to happen to me.


	7. Just Survive

The next day, Rosita and I got together early morning for one of our usual walks around the perimeter, knives in our hands and guns tucked away beneath our belts. I loved these moments. It was quiet outside the walls aside from the occasional walker groan, but we made short work of those. We were usually pretty chatty, laughing and making jokes about whatever we could to distract ourselves from how utterly shit the world was now usually teasing me about Daryl and my obvious feelings for him; but today we were both unusually silent. I’d barely slept the night before, tossing and turning, fretting about what today would bring with Negan’s arrival, and relaying Daryl’s awful words he’d spat at me during our heated argument. _Dumb bitch, dumber than you look, beat you, rape you…_   _Did he really believe all that?_

“You wanna talk about it then?” Rosita asked softly, as she pushed her way past some low branches.

“Hmm? About what?” I replied coyly shuffling my feet through the autumn leaves.

“C’mon, what’d he say? I saw him storm out after we all left and he looked pretty pissed.”

“Just everything I expected him to say really, and then a whole lot more. He was angry, pissed I didn’t tell him first. Said I was a dumb bitch for going through with this, said I’d probably get beaten and raped too,” I said, before I paused and let out a painful sigh. “He’s never spoken to me like that. Yeah we’ve fought before and had our moments, pissed each other off to no end, but not like this.”

“Jackass. He knows why you’re doing this right?”

“Yeah, well, I told him anyway. He doesn’t care, doesn’t even want my help. I doubt he’ll even take the meds from me now. Rosita, you gotta make sure he does. I don’t care how just make sure…”

She looked at me with a smile which reassured me. “I will, I promise. Don’t worry about him, you just worry about…”

“Negan. Yeah.”

“What do you think he wants with you?”

“I don’t know, I honestly don’t,” I said with a shrug. “Probably just trying to torture us all with another sick little game of his.”

“We all saw the way he looked at you that night, and don’t hate me for saying this but Daryl could be right. We don’t really know what he wants, but I have a pretty good idea of what it might be.”

I didn’t say anything, but just glanced at her with an uncomfortable look. We were both thinking it, it had of course crossed my mind. A serious and saddened expression had overcome her face.

“All I’m saying is just… whatever he wants, just… I don’t know. Just survive, do whatever it takes to stay alive, whatever he wants, and get back here to Alexandria. We all need you around here. Hell, at least I need you around here. You’re one of the only ones who isn’t full of shit. And you have all the _good_ booze too.” We both laughed and shared a quick hug, before a rustling in the distance startled us and we heard the accompanying growls from a walker.

“I’ll get it,” she said, her tone changed back to her usual confident and determined one.  She paced off to the lifeless being struggling towards us, desperate with hunger and eager to bite into some warm flesh. Its arms outstretched grasping violently and its teeth began snapping even more aggressively, but Rosita was quick and in an instant, plunged a blade through its decaying face, before forcefully pushing it back into the dirt.

After that walker, we both made our way back inside the walls of Alexandria. Negan and his men could arrive at any moment, hell, he could even be there already and I’m sure he would be just _thrilled_ if I wasn’t around to pick up where we left off. I joked sarcastically to myself, but there was no denying the anxiety I was feeling right now. I was nervous, anxious, _terrified._

We both took a seat on a bench near the entrance, attempting to enjoy the rest of the morning whilst we could. In the distance I could see Daryl, who had made his way out onto the porch of the infirmary, cigarette in his free hand with the other still wrapped up in a sling. And let’s not forget that trademark mean look on his face. I wanted to run over there and at the very least yell at him for being up and out when he should be resting, never mind the fact that of all things, he was smoking, but in all honesty I couldn’t take another confrontation from him. I noticed him looking over at us a few times, but there was no comfort in his eyes this time, only betrayal.

Other’s started gathering around us soon enough, offering polite smiles and asking how I was doing, even making small talk as if it would be some sort of distraction. It wasn’t long before Rick and Michonne had joined us too, stealing glances towards the gates in anticipation of the Saviours.

“You sure about this, Y/N? You’re really sure? We can make him another deal.” He asked, with an intense gaze.

My nerves were getting the better of me but I was able to offer a nod in his direction, before speaking. “This is the deal.” We were all quiet for a moment, before an unpleasant interruption broke the silence.

“Rick! They’re coming!” Sasha shouted down from one of the guard posts, prompting us all to our feet, grasping onto our weapons as a precaution. Sure enough, the sound of oncoming vehicles grew louder and louder as they advanced upon Alexandria, until they came to an abrupt stop and we heard a few car doors open and slam shut. I felt an overwhelming sinking feeling inside. I wished more than anything that the ground beneath me would open up and swallow me whole.

And then we heard it. A sharp, rasping clatter against our metal gates.

“Open up, fuckers!” A voice called out, sending chills down my spine. All weapons were raised now, and Rick gave a slight nod towards Eugene who was manning the gate, gesturing him to open them up and reveal all. He kept his head low and complied. He was afraid. _Who could blame him._


	8. Goodbye for Now

The large gates rolled back and revealed a truly awful man. One who had caused so much distress and agony for us all I could hardly believe it. Negan stood forefront in his smart leather jacket and slim, distressed jeans that showed off his manly figure. Lucille, his crude weapon of choice atop his broad shoulders, and of course, he wore a shit eating grin on his face. His men were littered behind him, all armed and ready for any resistance, as well as many more driving large trucks, cars and motorcycles.

As he sauntered into our little village followed by his men, he looked briefly towards Eugene who still held his head low and avoided any eye contact. “Eugene, is it?” Negan chuckled a little to himself and shook his head. That night in the woods, Eugene had bravely chosen to take off in the RV, diverting the men away from those of us who desperately carried Maggie to safety, but his efforts were in vain and he was captured and beaten regardless by the man who once again stood before him. 

“Woah,” Negan exclaimed, seeming genuinely surprised as he scanned the area, noting the numerous guns aimed towards him and his men. “Now that is not the warm fucking welcome I was expecting here. Why don’t we all just calm the fuck down and lower our weapons, we’re all friends here.”

“We are not all friends here,” Rick said firmly, reluctantly lowering the rifle in his arms. Everyone else followed his lead and held down their weapons, but I gripped firmly onto my knife as I concealed myself behind Rosita and Michonne.

He sighed as if bored from his interaction with Rick, before looking up and delivering another intimidating speech to our group. _Oh, how he loved those speeches of his._ “We’re here for your shit. Half of it. My men will make sure we get our share and as long as everybody co-operates, we’ll have no trouble. And don’t try to hide your shit, don’t try to fucking keep it from us, cause we’ll know. We always fucking know. You don’t wanna see what happened to the people that tried to hide their shit from us. Let’s just say, I will not be happy. And when I’m not happy, well, that’s when my girl Lucille gets to come out and play. Man, she _reaaaallly_ wants to come out and fucking play.  So… let’s get started shall we?” He said, motioning to his men to move further into our compound and begin collecting resources. They moved through and shoved a few of our people into gear, who without hesitation led them to our food and medical supplies first. We all stood uncomfortably as his men barged in and out of buildings carrying bags and bags of our hard earned supplies. It had taken us a long time and countless supply runs to acquire what we had. We had risked our lives for what we had and some had even lost their lives in the process, but just like that, it was taken in an instant.

After some time has passed, Negan laughed out loud to himself before addressing Rick, “Oh, and before I forget... Where’s the girl. Where the fuck is she?” Rick looked directly into his eyes, and for a moment I wondered if there was going to be a confrontation. It wasn’t like Rick to go down without a fight, it just wasn’t in his nature; but for the first time, he bit his lip holding back the words he was clearly desperate to let out, no doubt to argue the conditions of our deal and defend me. Instead, he gestured towards me and I stepped out to the front of the group coming face to face with him. This was becoming an unfortunate regular occurrence for me, and it wasn’t about to get any better.

His eyes locked onto mine, and the corners of his mouth turned upwards revealing a wicked, yet dazzling smile. I felt nervous and sick, even a little angered by his audacity. I was sure my legs would give way beneath me any moment now and I would crumble to the ground, but I maintained a fearless, confident expression on my face and met his gaze as he came closer.

“You missed me, sweetheart?” he said with a wink, but I didn’t offer him the satisfaction of a response. He looked disgruntled for a moment and shrugged his shoulders a little, and from behind him pulled out a small, clear plastic bag, holding it in front of me. I scanned the bag and sure enough in it was the meds we needed. More than we needed actually. There was enough morphine and antibiotics there to treat Daryl twice over. “Well? You want ‘em?”

_He actually stayed true to his word…_

Just as I reached out and grabbed the bag from his hands, it was violently snatched from my grasp and with some force thrown back into Negan’s chest by Daryl, who had made his way down to us from the infirmary unnoticed.

“Fuck you doin’?!” he spat at me as he forced his ways between Negan and I. “Thought I fuckin’ told ya, this aint happenin’. What the fuck are ya doin?!” He looked between us both, furious as he yelled, drawing everybody’s attention towards us. Even some of Negan’s men had stopped to witness the commotion.

“Daryl, I told you I was doing this. I’m sorry but…”

“But nothin’. What the fuck is wrong with you. Why are you so fuckin’ okay with this, Y/N? This ain’t right. You can’t go with him, won’t tell ya again. You aint his! He can’t just come in here and fuckin’ take ya away with him. You belong here. You aint his to take.”

Hot tears were starting to stream from my eyes as I pleaded with him to listen to me. “I’m doing this for you, you need this, you need the meds. If I do this, you’ll be okay and we can go back to how things were.”

“Fuck the meds. I don’t want shit from you and I don’t want shit from him, told you that,” he said, pointing his finger at me and then Negan, who was now laughing to himself as the scene unravelled before him. I walked over to Negan, wiping away my tears and grabbed the bag from him once more, this time handing it to Rosita who held on to it tightly whilst giving me a sympathetic expression. We gave each other a nod – she remembered what I’d asked her, I knew she’d make sure they were put to good use. I turned back to Daryl and tried to place my hands onto his waist and console him but he pulled away.

“I’m so sorry Daryl, I wish…” I blubbed to him. He looked angry and hurt and I wanted nothing more than to stay, to wrap my arms around him and have him take me in, but he wouldn’t. Instead he looked at me intensely, with hurt and betrayal in his hazel eyes. He didn’t have to speak; I knew what he was thinking. _How could you do this to me?_

Negan’s men were returning to the trucks with all that they had collected now, and Negan cleared his throat loudly to draw my attention back to him. I turned to him and he pointed Lucille towards a dark green pickup truck just behind him, before speaking; “In the truck, sweetheart. Say your goodbyes.”

Rosita without hesitation ran to me wrapping her arms around me. At least I could count on someone around here. I missed her already. She was my main girl, what would I do without her. “Stay safe Y/N, and remember what I said,” she whispered in my ear before releasing me and attempting a smile. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” She wasn’t one for crying but I’m sure I saw a tear escape her, before she went back to maintaining her usual tough exterior.

I turned one last time towards Daryl and pleaded with my eyes for a goodbye. He gave no response again, and I forced myself forward and my hands around his waist, hugging him tightly. He didn’t reciprocate, not even an arm around me and I didn’t blame him. I squeezed him a little tighter and hoped more than anything that he would come to understand, or at the very least he would know how much I cared for him.

After a moment, I reluctantly let go and felt the heat of his body leave mine, before I headed towards the dirty green vehicle Negan pointed out, the others giving me brief hugs or placing a gentle hand on my shoulder as I passed wishing me luck and reassuring me that it wouldn’t be long before I’d be home again. I reached the truck and climbed into the passenger side with one of the Saviours following me in and sitting beside me. Guarding me I assume, as if I had any other option here other than to comply. My heart felt heavy as I watched my people that I was leaving behind and Negan and his few remaining men headed towards us. The look of satisfaction on his face as he approached. I hated him, more than anything or anyone. He climbed into the driver’s side of the truck, wedging me uncomfortably between two men I never wanted to be this close to. I looked up and was panicked as I saw Daryl struggling towards us, finally stopping close to Negan’s window, staring at him furiously. Was he going to punch Negan? It wouldn’t surprise me. I certainly wanted to.

“You hurt her, I’ll fuckin’ kill you myself,” he said with venom in his voice.

Negan started up the truck and before driving off, addressed him whilst chuckling condescendingly.

“ _You won’t do shit._ ”


	9. Corpses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of action in this scene, hope I delivered :)

I could feel nothing but a gut wrenching sickness deep in my stomach, heightened by every small bump in the road as we left Alexandria. I scoffed earlier about it not really being home, but right now it was my home and everything more. It protected us well enough, it sheltered us and it housed the people I love; and I was voluntarily walking away from it. More specifically, being driven away from it, by Satan himself.

Negan had been annoyingly glancing my way for at least the first twenty minutes of the journey, clearly revelling in his accomplishment – dragging a loved one away from people who had royally fucked him off. As if he hadn’t done enough. Sure enough, the sweet silence didn’t last and unable to keep his mouth shut any longer, he spoke up.

“That was some pretty intense shit back there. Prick should be fuckin’ grateful for what you’re doing here.” He paused to gage my reaction and his face turned impatient as I did nothing but continue to stare out into the road. “Look sweetheart. This week can go one of two ways for you. Real fuckin’ great, or pretty fuckin’ horrific, and one sure fuckin’ way to get through it would be not being an ignorant little bitch. I don’t tolerate ignorance and disobedience; matter of fact I don’t tolerate a lot of shit. You and your dickhead friends will do well to fuckin’ remember that.”

I shuffled in my seat as his threats just amplified the uncomfortable atmosphere in the truck. Calling him an asshole didn’t exactly do me any favours last time so that’s out the window. Just get through this week, I thought to myself. _Just survive._

“He’s just worried. That’s all.” I responded, but with a coldness in my voice that was hard to conceal. One hand on the wheel, Negan turned to me and chuckled to himself a little. _Hilarious,_ isn’t it. People being worried for others’ safety? _Downright laughable_. He makes me sick.

“I get it, doll. I’m the big bad wolf,” he said, grinning with an all too fitting toothy smile. “Poor son of a bitch, he’s gotta stay at home whilst his pretty little arm candy rides off into the sunset with the fuckin’ villain.” I could practically feel the vein in my neck throbbing with anger at his less than amusing retorts, but by some act of God I managed to keep my mouth shut.

“Shit darlin’, what did I just say about going quiet on me. We got a long ass journey ahead of ourselves, might as well get to know each other.”

I let out an exasperated sigh. “Is It far? The Sanctuary?”

“Couple hours maybe. We got other bases closer, like the one your fuckin’ group of dickheads back there rained down holy hell on and burned to the fuckin’ ground for instance.” His voice had grown irritable as he spoke, after all, that was what this was all about, right? Not that he wouldn’t have come for us eventually. “Sanctuary’s a little farther.”

At this point I avoided eye contact with him, as he maintained his on the bumpy road before us. I was hardly about to engage with him about my involvement in that little incident. He didn’t need to know how many of his men I had already killed whilst they slept. I’m sure if I told him, he might reconsider my safe return to Alexandria, or even keeping me alive at all.

As we continued moving forward, we reached the brow of a small incline in the road and the truck slowly rolled to a stop. _Shit._ Why are we stopping? What’s he doing? I turned away from him back to the road before us, and there, only a few hundred yards away was a large herd of walkers congregated in the middle of our path. _Doubley shit._ There must’ve been at least eighty of the lifeless beings scattered before us, in a desperate search for just one person, one living thing to pass by and feast on.

“Mike, Terry, you seeing this shit?” he spoke clearly into a small radio that he raised from his side, eyes still focused ahead. A muffled voice replied through the speaker to confirm and Negan ran his hands through his rugged beard as he processed the situation. Raising the radio to his mouth again he sighed and spoke. “Alright everyone, get your shit together, let’s get this over with quickly, we’re already fuckin’ late and believe it or not I’d like to fuckin’ eat tonight.’ He threw the radio back down in frustration and instead, reached for Lucille as he prepared to leave the truck.

“You can’t be fucking serious?” I questioned him, in absolute disbelief that they we’re about to take on this hoard of monsters. When the walls fell at Alexandria and Carl had been shot, we ventured out with our weapons surrounded by masses of the dead, but we weren’t out in the middle of nowhere and luckily Daryl had come to draw them away from us. If he hadn’t, we may not have made it out alive. Somehow I doubted Daryl would be waiting just around the corner willing to do the same for them.

Negan grinned back at me as he prepared himself for the fight, clearly amused at my underestimation of him and his men. “Believe it or not darlin’, we’ve done this fuckin’ thing once or twice before. You stay here, don’t fuckin’ move. If I get back and find you’ve performed some miracle fuckin’ disappearing act and ran off into those fuckin’ woods, I’ll turn right back to that little village where all your friends are and they’ll fuckin’ answer for your stupidity. We clear on that?”

“Yeah. Crystal clear.” And with that, he left the truck slamming the doors behind him. His men followed behind him on his orders, multiple weapons at their sides, completely unfazed at what lay ahead. One by one they dispersed and made their way into the crowd, slamming weapons brutally into the soft skulls of walkers. The sound of gunfire filled the air and dominated their desperate groans as bullets flew endlessly and the road ahead stained with blood. _Idiots,_ I thought to myself. _They’ll only draw more._ Some men wielded knives and sliced them furiously up through their necks. Others sported other blunt objects that unrelentingly smashed into their faces, pulling decaying flesh away with every hit. A few even threw punches and kicks knocking the dead back, before tearing them apart with their very hands. It was becoming hard to distinguish who the killers were.

Suddenly, a loud clatter from my left and the rasping groans of a walker invaded my personal space and startled me, with its arms outstretched desperately clutching at me from the open window. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ Panic. My body fell across the seats and I furiously kicked my feet at the beast trying to rip away the flesh from my legs. _My knives._ They hadn’t taken it from me, thank God. My brain clicked into gear and I quickly grabbed for one of the knives tucked into my belt. Without hesitating, I lunged forward and grabbed hold of the walker by its neck, its arms now frantically grasping at my shoulders dragging me closer to its mouth. I was only inches away as I fought it off, inches away from becoming nothing more than a meal for this one. My arm struggled up to its face and with a thrust I charged the blade through the centre of its face, grinding it deeper into its skull. The body grew limp and unresponsive and for a moment, the danger was over.

I grabbed at the door handle and swung it wide open, pushing the corpse back and allowing myself free. I heard Negan, I really did. Don’t leave the truck. But by now there were a good few walkers advancing on the area around me and they showed no sign of stopping. I leapt out of the van, observant and ready to act. What was I supposed to do, stay there and hope that I could fend myself off as they piled up around me? The idea of dying in that van torn to pieces didn’t appeal to me one bit. I headed towards a small group of walkers nearby, gliding the tip of the blade between my fingers before I threw It swiftly through the air into one of their heads. I never missed. My foot raised as I neared another and booted it backwards, before I lurched forward and shoved my other knife into the back of its head and blood trickled down my arm. It dropped to the floor along with the other. I knelt down and retrieved my knives in an instant but turned to find another gaining on me, it’s growl growing louder and louder with hunger. I grabbed on to its leg and pulled as it slammed effortlessly to the floor. I quickly stood up and as it scrambled to pull itself towards me, I violently stomped my boot down onto its head repeatedly, feeling it crunch and give way under the pressure. Back by the truck, two more had emerged and clambered toward me stumbling over the bodies littering the road. They looked slow, old and decrepit. _An easy target,_ I thought to myself as I paced towards them and stabbed the first in its face without difficulty. The second body lurched for me and knocked me to my feet landing on top of me, teeth aggressively rasping close to my flesh. I pulled my hand up to its neck and pushed it away with all my strength giving myself the advantage, lifting my knife again and piercing its skull mercilessly. One more stumbled from behind the truck, a woman with long tattered and tangled hair. _Seriously, more?_ I jumped to my feet and threw the knife through the air once again, landing in the side of its head and knocking it back to the floor. There was finally a silence in the air now, and I could breathe, or at least stand there panting as I tried to regain my breath. Despite being covered in blood and rotting flesh - that peace, that silence, it soothed me as the adrenaline slowly left my body.

And then it didn’t. A firm hand grabbed my shoulder tightly and suddenly I turned raising my knife in the air to end yet another lifeless being set on tearing off my flesh. Before I could plunge my knife through another skull, a tight grip met my arm and wrangled the knife from my palm. It wasn’t a walker this time, it was Negan, and his men were crowded around me all sporting a look of astonishment on their faces after seeing me take down part of the herd. I hadn’t noticed them out there around me, let alone stopping and taking notice of me.

Negan’s face was heated and furious as he locked eyes on mine. He slammed me violently against the truck and raised Lucille close to my face as I still panted heavily. She was doused in blood and I could see closely the small chunks of flesh intertwined in the barbed wire.

“Are you some kind of fuckin’ special, darlin’? Did I not fuckin’ make myself clear back then? What the fuck does stay in this fuckin’ truck mean to you? You must be fuckin’ stupid to pull a fuckin’ stunt like that. For fuck’s sake.” His raised voice drew silence throughout his men.

Before I could muster up any words, any defence that would likely appease him, he turned his back to me and walked a few steps away, nodding to one of his Saviours who held a gun firmly in his hands. The man, covered in blood with a shameless look on his face, moved towards me quickly and without any hesitancy, lifted his rifle in the air and bashed the blunt end of it against my head, rendering me unconscious.

Everything before me became hazy and soon faded to black, as if someone had suddenly turned out the lights.   


	10. The Sanctuary

My bleary eyes flitted open ever so slightly and I was overcome with nausea and a throbbing pain throughout my head. _Ugh, what happened,_ I thought to myself as I raised my heavy arm to my head. _Oh, of course_. I’d been knocked out after the swarm of walkers by one of Negan’s men. Heaven forbid I saved myself, and even contributed to the group. I rubbed over my eyes briefly and allowed everything to come into focus.

I was covered in sheets in an unfamiliar bed, in a room I didn’t recognise. The sun shone brightly through two windows and lit the room around me, revealing a luxurious interior that led me to believe this could be none other than Negan’s room. Beyond the four posts around me, the room was decorated with a few plush cherry-red loveseats, a mahogany dressing table with drawers on one side and a large mahogany desk accompanied with stunning leather seats on the other. The walls were covered in an array of canvases and framed paintings that no doubt had been looted from elsewhere, and against one wall, an impressive collection of books were bursting from floor to ceiling, with more scattered at the base of the shelves. Just across from the bed, through an open frame, more books were scattered and piled up in a further extension of the room, and in the corner a little out of sight, some dark wooden chairs, most likely placed around a table. The rest was hidden from sight. More notable in there was my way out of this place, a large wooden securely bolted door. I scanned it in detail, toying with the temptation of running through it and back to Alexandria, knowing all too well that wasn’t a risk I was willing to take right now.

My thoughts were soon interrupted, as a sharp noise from my right alerted me to a door slightly ajar, steam bellowing out from it. I gripped the soft cotton sheets in my hands, feeling tense as I waited for someone to emerge before me. Of course, I knew who to expect. My thoughts were confirmed as the door widened and Negan himself stepped into the room, wearing nothing but the tight skinny jeans around his waist and a towel that he rustled through his dripping wet hair. I glanced over his figure noticing his small tufts of chest hair and his large, broad arms and shoulders which showed off a slightly faded tattoo that I couldn’t quite make out. He was in great shape, I admitted to myself, although no doubt that’s what giving a few beatings will do to you.

His head suddenly turned in my direction, eyes peering into mine and laughed to himself as I hurriedly turned my gaze away from him. “You know, usually I’d say it’s rude to stare – but I guess in this case I’ll just say go ahead.” He stepped towards the bed a little and I shuffled backwards, putting as much distance between us as possible. “Relax sweetheart. You’re okay. You’re at the Sanctuary with us now,” he said, turning away as he rummaged in the nearby drawers for a t-shirt

”Man, I gotta say… out there with those dead fuckers? That was fuckin’ impressive. Not many can deal with that kinda shit the way you did, never mind a fuckin’ woman.”

“And yet you knocked me out regardless,” I grumbled, tenderly touching the pulsating sore spot on my forehead where I’d been beaten down.

Negan lifted a flattering, fitted white t-shirt over his head and covered his chiselled chest before turning back to me. “Tried to fuckin’ warn ya darlin’.” He sat himself on the edge of the bed leaning his back against one of the posts so he could face me. As if I wasn’t uncomfortable enough, his facial expression changed abruptly, now looking serious as he spoke with an unkind and intimidating tone.  “What was it I said exactly? Oh yeah. Do not, so much, as fucking _step_ out of line. But you couldn’t fucking help yourself could you. Told you to stay in that fuckin’ truck where I could keep an eye on you, not go all fuckin’ ninja crazy out there like you did. Rest assured you won’t get that fuckin’ chance again. You’ll be staying inside the compound until it’s time for you to fuck off again.”

I avoided his intense gaze and looked down at the sheets clutched around me, running the fabric through my fingers as something to focus on other than Negan. As I shuffled in my place, I was painfully aware of an even more uncomfortable reality. _My clothes_ , I wasn’t wearing them. Instead I was sporting an oversized t-shirt that didn’t belong to me over the top of my underwear. I scanned the room briefly for what I had been wearing last and found nothing.

“Where the fuck are my clothes? What’ve you done?” I interrogated. “And where the fuck are my knives?” 

A devilish grin spread across his face that had the power to both sicken and intrigue me. I hated its appearance on his face but the more I saw it, the more captivated I became by it. I shook the thought from my head immediately _._ If he’d done anything, if he’d touched me; I wouldn’t hesitate to kill him. His smile couldn’t protect him from that. He rose from the bed and went back over to the drawers on one side of the room, pulling out a short black t-shirt and some stonewashed blue jeans, before resuming his place on the bed and throwing the clothes towards me.

“Wasn’t having you sleeping here with me covered in shit and guts now was I? And sure as hell you weren’t keeping those knives so you could kill me whilst I fuckin’ slept.” As I stared him down as a grin spread across his face, clearly enjoying playing his little games. “Don’t worry, I didn’t touch ya either. That took every fuckin’ ounce of self-restraint I had in me, believe me. But I don’t do that shit.” He continued to smile at me for a moment and I found myself staring right at his mouth this time, before he rose from the bed and made his way over to the large desk scattered with papers and other various trinkets. He grabbed his leather jacket that was flung carelessly across one of the chairs, and next reached for Lucille, who was looking cleaner since the last time I’d seen her.

“I got some shit to do today, so we’ll talk later tonight after dinner. Gotta ask you some questions and I suggest you fuckin’ answer them without any trouble. One of my guys here will take you out, show you round the place. Try to fuckin’ fit in, and don’t pull anythin’,” he said with a wink as he left the room through the large wooden doors.

As soon as I was sure he’d left for good, I scrambled to my feet and pulled the clothing over my body quickly, as if in some sort of fear of being watched or interrupted. They fit well, were clean and comfortable enough, although the black crop top was a little tighter than I’d have liked, but looked fine. _Probably done intentionally by Negan_ , I thought. I slipped on my nearby shoes and walked over to the nearby mirror. I glanced at my reflection for a moment, running my hands through my wavy, dirty blonde hair. My face was surprisingly clean and the wound on my head looked as if it had been tended to. _Had he fucking washed me too?_  

Bash, bash, bash! A loud knocking on the door pounded through the room shocking me and making me jump a little. I made my way slowly towards it and hesitated with my fingers gripping the handle, before turning it and opening the door inwards. A tall man, although not as tall as Negan, stood in the doorway, looking impatient and irritable as he looked towards me. _Dwight._ His hair was shoulder length, tattered and blonde but was not enough to distract anyone from the less than subtle scarring that covered half of his face. I wondered what sorry act he’d committed to deserve such a punishment.

I hated Negan with a vengeance for what he’d done to my people, but this man came a very close second. I’d heard all about him from Daryl and even encountered him on the road once before. Which act did I hate him for most? There were so many. Stealing Daryl’s crossbow and motorbike? Leaving him for dead? Shooting at us all on our run for medical supplies? Let’s not forget that night in the woods when he’d shot Daryl, the very event which has led to my presence before him now. _Nope_ , I think the ultimate blow was him killing Denise, with no hesitation, no remorse, just an arrow that pierced her skull. I was overcome with fury; absolutely enraged at the sight of him and before allowing him to speak, I slammed the door furiously in his face. He was quick though and his foot leapt forward forcing the door open.

“What, you think I want this fuckin’ job? Think I asked for it?” he scowled, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me out of the room, closing the door behind us. He looked just as pissed as I did. “Let’s get this over and done with and we can go back to wanting to kill each other after, okay princess?”  

“Daryl should’ve killed you when he had the chance,” I said bitterly as I snatched my arm from his tight grip and followed him down a long corridor leading to a stairwell.

“Yep. Probably should’ve.” The halls and stairwell were dark and dingy, similar to the other base I’d been in - a total contrast to Negan’s room which was well kept and luxurious. We came to a door on our way down that led to another floor but passed right by it continuing our way downwards. “That floor’s our halls, basic rooms with beds and basic furniture in it. Obviously Negan’s apartment’s on the floor above us.” We reached the bottom floor and he pushed his way through some double doors leading to an even longer corridor with men and the occasional woman walking in various directions. “Down there there’s the shower block and toilets, sure you don’t need me to give you a tour of those. Go first thing on a morning if you wanna avoid a line,” he said pointing behind us, not making eye contact.

He moved a little further down the hall and motioned to a large, dimly-lit room with tables and chairs dotted throughout, serving counters at one side and a sectioned off area at the back. “Here’s the cafeteria and kitchen’s right at the back there. Breakfast’s at nine, not much in the way of a continental or whatever the fuck you eat back at Alexandria but there’s decent coffee at least. Lunch and dinner is at one and five. They leave drinks and shit out during the day, anything else you can get down at commissary.” _Commissary?_  He’s running this place like a god damn prison. We kept moving and I stayed silent, reluctant to engage with such a despicable man. He pointed out a few other rooms as we made our way outside. One was a meeting room for Negan and only his most trusted, loyal men. It was nice to know that somewhere, beneath his tough exterior and the layers and layers of horror and vileness, there was an ounce of humanity floating around in him somewhere that actually allowed him to trust another person. Another was a common room, or ‘rec room’ as Dwight called it, which most men were gathered in. Some sat on sofas chatting, others at tables playing cards rather boisterously. There was even a dart board in one corner, a few bookcases in between, and a flat screen TV in the other corner with armchairs and sofas scattered around it.

As my eyes adjusted to the light, I was relieved to see the outside of this place as Dwight led me out into the yard. The vast open space was secured with a perimeter of two rows of tall, thick, barbed wire fences. They were guarded heavily with people atop guard posts as well as various men walking between the fences, heavily armed. Beyond them in all directions was a dense, wooded area – the perfect surroundings to conceal this place. A small road led down from the large reinforced gates to an area where various cars, trucks, bikes and vans were somewhat well parked, ready to roll out for the next supply run or raid. Closer to the complex, benches were dotted around the grass where men were seated drinking coffee and coarsely laughing, a few occasionally glancing over eagerly.

“What’s that for over there?” I questioned, pointing towards a large tented area with more benches nearby.

“Every now and then there’s a party going on, usually have drink out here on tables for anyone who doesn’t wanna hole up in the rec room and still wants to get shit faced. When it’s not being used for that we dump all the shit from runs there whilst they take stock and Negan looks over it all, then they divide it up and put it all away.”

“That’s everything anyway. Go get some food, do whatever the fuck you want. Done being your fucking babysitter. I’ll come get you later when Negan wants you.” I scoffed but he took no notice as he walked away from me _. A blissful sight_. The only thing better could be me slowly killing him as he begs me for life, a prospect I dearly looked forward to.

I headed back indoors to the cafeteria which was mostly empty now as the breakfast period was ending. I grabbed a cup of coffee for myself from a nearby hot drinks dispenser, as well as a cold leftover piece of toast, before heading back outdoors. That was all I ate that day, as I spent the rest of it sat outside in the grass by the fences, observing the people around me. I watched the men come and go around lunch and dinnertime as if it were some major event. I even watched some other men leave and enter through the gates multiple times throughout the day. I wondered where they’d been, or more accurately, who they’d been out killing. Had they been out looking for supplies, just as we did? Or had they been taking down other groups and claiming all of their hard earned resources for themselves? It didn’t matter right now. There was nothing I could do to hinder them even if that is what they’d been doing, especially not whilst I was imprisoned behind their own walls. I longed to walk out there freely, but this was the deal I made. I just had to get through these next few days.

The hours passed and it seemed like I’d gotten through the day with as little interaction from the men as possible. One crude, rough looking man perched at the nearby benches had disgustingly gestured a kiss in my direction and laughed to the men surrounding him as I scoffed and moved away from them. A few other men patrolling the fences gave a me a slight nod as I passed them, making my way around the perimeter in an effort to kill some time. Other than that, the day had been reassuringly uneventful. If the rest of the week went like this, I’d be fine and home to Daryl in no time. With a heavy heart I wondered how he was doing, and if Rosita had managed to get him to take the meds. Did he miss me by his side as he was recovering? Was he still angry at me? Would he forgive me? I guess I’d see eventually.

It was hitting late evening now and I contemplated heading indoors as the air grew cool, although I had no idea where to actually go. Did I go back to Negan’s room, or go find a bed somewhere on the dorms floor? As I got to my feet hoping they might indicate where to go instead, the nearby door to the complex opened and the unfortunate figure that was Dwight stood in the frame as he whistled sharply in my direction, as if I was some sort of dog he was calling to attention. The very sight of him made my skin burn hot with rage.

“Y/N! C’mon. Negan wants ya.”

 _Great_.  


	11. Speak Up

I cautiously made my way through the narrow halls, heading for the stairwells up to the top floor, encountering a few Saviours as I passed by them. Dwight followed closely behind, like some sort of pathetic excuse for a guard hired to escort me around and keep me in line. I felt anxious and on edge again, as I tried to predict the questions Negan would ask me, but in reality I knew it was pointless. He was an unpredictable man, with his every word and move so very hard to anticipate.

As I reached the top floor and came face to face with the door to Negan’s room, I paused, wishing at the very least that I wouldn’t have to sit and talk with him answering his every question. Dwight sighed impatiently before he pushed ahead of me and knocked on the door, loud and clear. “Sir,” he called out, “It’s Dwight. I got her.”

“Well what the fuck are you waiting for, send her in,” his muffled voice ordered brashly. Dwight complied without a moment’s notice, pushing open the large doors before us and shoving me in before closing them and disappearing behind me. I was trading one loathsome man’s company for another.

I took a few steps further into his room and looked over to the large desk where Negan sat, focused on various documents scattered before him. I was shocked when I saw him, not looking his usual bold, intimidating self. This time he wore a pair of thick, black framed glasses that made him look sophisticated and somewhat endearing, but beneath them he was still the villain in my story, the same man who tortured and killed my friends.  He was undisturbed by my presence and I felt uncomfortable watching him even for a minute, so I cleared my throat a little to alert him.

“What’re you waiting for a fucking invitation? Sit down.” He threw his glasses down in front of him and looked up at me as I perched myself down in one of the firm leather armchairs across from him, running a hand through his manly salt and pepper beard. 

“I’m gonna ask you a few questions now. And I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now that it’s in your best fuckin’ interests to answer them without any hesitation or questioning. You got that, darlin?” I nodded in response. “Good. Let’s get fuckin’ started then.”

He shifted out of his seat and walked round to the front of his desk, leaned against it and looked down at me intensely, with a clear intention of making this feel like some kind of uncomfortable interrogation.

“How long you been with those people at Alexandria? Don’t skip any fuckin’ details.”

“A while. I’ve been with Daryl from the beginning, and his brother Merle. A few others we met not long after everything happened and we stuck together. We figured there’d be strength in numbers I guess. Carl, his mom Lori, Carol, Dale, Glenn, Andrea, Rosita, Eugene, a few others. We met Rick in Atlanta. Picked up a few on the road and they joined us. Hershel, Beth, Maggie. Mishonne, Morgan… Then one shitty place after another, we eventually met someone who brought us to Alexandria. We must’ve been there almost a year now. We’ve lost a lot of people though. Most of them didn’t make it to Alexandria. Merle, Lori, Andrea, Dale. Hershel and Beth… Abraham. Whole lot more, too many to count.” My face developed a sombre expression as I relived everyone who we’d began this hell with and everyone we’d lost to it, but Negan showed no compassion and just nodded his head slightly.

“And what is it exactly you did back at Alexandria?”

“Whatever I could. Sometimes I was on guard, most of the time I just hunted or killed walkers. Occasional supply runs too.”

“ _Just_? That how you get good with the knives?” his eyebrow raised.

“Yeah I guess. A lot of practise,” I said briefly, not wanting to linger on the subject of my skills with knives. He’d seen what I could do and I hardly wanted to be knocked out for it again.

“What about before all this, what’d you do then? How the fuck has a girl like you even lasted this long?”

“A girl like me?” The corners of my mouth turned upwards a little, as I thought about what ridiculous assumption he’d made about me. “Before all this I had a dozen different jobs. Worked in a store, well - a bakery, when it happened.” I chose to omit my experience as a nurse, for fear that he might find that a far too prized asset to his group. Like I would ever help him or his men after everything they’d done anyway. I would happily watch them bleed to death with no remorse.

“And I guess I just fell in with the right people. People who cared about me and protected me, I protected them too. I could hunt pretty well even back then and I just learned how to defend myself out there, up against it every day. Not everyone at Alexandria’s been out there, they don’t know what it’s like. Some of them have been safe from the very beginning.” _Shit,_ should I have said that? What if that made him think we were weak?

“And what exactly was your fuckin’ plan for when you eventually didn’t have those dickheads around?” He smiled wickedly, revelling in his imprisonment of me. He’d taken me away from those _dickheads_ he spoke of and he was so pleased with himself for it.

“I’ve been on my own before. Some guys got hold of me one day, dragged me off into the woods and tied me up. Said they were gonna do all sorts of nasty things to me. They said they couldn’t let a pretty little girl like me just go to waste.” I paused as I reminisced, allowing myself to smile proudly at the idiocy of those men who once tried to lay their hands on me. “I made sure they’d never take another girl again.”

“Is that so.” Negan chuckled to himself and strangely enough, we shared a smile that ignited a little warmth in me. But our smiles lasted only a moment, before his washed away from his face as quickly as it had appeared.  He crouched down from the desk, now directly eye level with me, staring at me with his penetrating dark eyes and a displeased look upon his face. My heart pounded loudly all of a sudden as I feared what words would next leave his mouth.

“What about my men, Y/N, you kill any of those?” He paused, more menacing now than I had ever seen him. “Were you part of the assault on my base, where my men were fuckin’ murdered in their sleep and burned alive?”

As his words echoed in my head, I felt a sink in my stomach and tightness in my chest. My lips parted as I intended to speak, but the words failed me and my mouth came to a close. I dared not speak. I dared not answer him truthfully and I dared not lie to his face, knowing for sure he would see right through me. No doubt my face had given him the answer he needed to know already. His face grew enraged and unimpressed with my lack of response and all I could do was look down to my hands that rested in my lap, desperate to avoid his stare. All of a sudden his hand lurched forward and I felt his fingertips grip my jaw roughly, holding my face in his hand. His grasp on me was more than uncomfortable and hurt as I squirmed away from him, but he was merciless and held on tightly.

“C’mon doll. What’s the matter? I know you’ve got something to fuckin’ say to me.” He threw my face back into the chair and stood up, pacing before me furiously, waiting for me to speak.

“Yes.” I said quietly, barely above a whisper. Negan’s voice however was raised and bellowed throughout the room.

“What’s that? Speak up, I can’t fuckin’ hear you. Tell me what happened. Tell me what you fucking did.”

“I was there.” I admitted with a shakiness in my voice, attempting to look him in the eyes. “I killed two of your men that night. And… three of your women. We made our way through room by room, we stayed quiet but one of us got caught and everyone started shooting. Someone else torched one of the rooms too, with some of your men still in it. Not me. Carol, she’s gone now.”

 _What had I done._ Had I actually just admitted to this man I was directly involved with a massacre on his people? _Was I fucking stupid?_ I expected he would beat me senseless or even torture me now, making an example of me for all the world to see – this is what happens to people who fuck with the almighty Negan. But instead, he ran his hands over his face and the anger faded and in its place was that wicked grin of his, accompanied with a slight laugh to himself. I on the other hand had never been more bewildered. Had I missed the joke? He heard what I said, hadn’t he? See? _Unpredictable._

When he finished laughing, he eventually came to a halt and spoke. “You don’t see the fuckin’ irony in all this do you? You killed, not one, not two, but three of my fuckin’ wives that night. And now you’re the one in my fuckin’ bed. That’s some poetic shit right there, don’t you think?”

Was he mad? I couldn’t tell. I didn’t understand this man before me one fucking bit.

“Alright. I’m done with you. Go get fuckin’ changed or whatever for bed. You can relax now, darlin’.”

My mouth gawped open with astonishment, but I quickly rose from my seat and made my way to the other side of the room where the t-shirt I had worn from the night before lay. After such an intense encounter I dared not disobey. After everything I’d told him, he could’ve had me killed – I expected him to, but instead he spared my life. _Why?_

I followed his command without hesitation and began to change out of my clothes, first unzipping my jeans and releasing my legs from them. As I changed out of my t-shirt and into the other, I felt a burning heat on my skin – as if directly from Negan’s eyes that had been scanning my half naked body intently from across the room. My chest felt tight again at the thought of him watching me with desire and an overwhelming fluttering feeling consumed me making it hard to breathe. 

I scurried towards his bed and wrapped the comforting sheets around me, but my stomach felt as if it were performing somersaults from this evening’s interactions with Negan. I was absolutely perplexed and left speechless by this man. I thought I knew who he was, but I didn’t really - I didn’t have a clue. And what was worse was I didn’t know whether I hated him or feared him, or why a tiny part of me felt drawn to him. Intrigued and desperate to figure him out.

“Hey Negan… so, can I ask _you_ something?”

“Sure, doll. What is it?”

“What is it that you want from me?” Should I have even asked?

He grinned to himself as he took a few steps towards the dressers in his room and began changing himself, before he turned his head slightly in my direction and laughed. 

“Honestly darlin’, I don’t have a fuckin’ clue. I guess we’ll just have to see.”


	12. Not Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is soooo long, I hope that's not a problem but I just couldn't stop!
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and the comments I've been receiving here and on tumblr and other places etc, they've just gotten me more and more excited to keep delivering these chapters to you. There's gonna be a whirlwind of emotions and stuff going on in the next few chapters so keep your eyes peeled for them!

The next morning, I woke late from my first decent night’s sleep after Negan came into our lives. A gentle smile spread across my face as I tossed and turned in the sheets and my eyes adjusted to the morning light. For a moment, I had lost all sense of where I was. I was blissfully comfortable, well rested and reasonably safe. The room was peaceful and undisturbed, with no Negan lying beside me or anywhere else in the room for that matter. I wondered where he’s disappeared off to so quietly but dismissed the thought from my head.

I scanned the room briefly before I rose out of bed, stretched my arms out wide and made my way over to a pile of clothes laid out for me on the dresser. A small piece of paper lay on top of them, a note from Negan.

Gone on a run. Behave yourself.

I’ll be back later.

 

P.S. You snore in your sleep.

 

I laughed a little to myself at the thought of him aggravated during the night, unable to sleep as I snored my way through a deep sleep. Tossing the note aside, I decided to enjoy a luxurious morning of privacy and opted for a long, steamy shower. I grabbed the clothes and carried them into Negan’s en-suite where I found my second little ‘gift’ from him. He’d left me out a few towels, some women’s hair products and shower gels and even a razor.

“Is he for fucking real?” I half scoffed, half laughed to myself.

I climbed into the shower and let the pressure of the warm water rain down on my skin. The steam that clouded around me and the massaging stream of water let out more tension from my body than I was aware of. I briefly remembered my Sunday mornings before everything changed – a long, relaxing shower on the morning, lazing around on the patio with a good book and even better coffee, before a family dinner at my parent’s home where everyone would get together to eat, laugh and drink. I missed them all dearly, but had seen them reap the unfortunate rewards of today’s cruel world. They were the first people I loved to go, and I would’ve been next if it weren’t for Daryl.

I left the now somewhat unpleasant shower and dried myself off with the nearby towel, before changing into the clothes Negan had left me – a light grey tank top and some high waisted navy jeans. I scrunched my hair up in the towel drying it off and couldn’t help my thoughts flitting over to him, thinking about what he might encounter today on his run. Where would he be raiding, what would he find – who would he find. _What about last night? What was that all about?_ He should’ve killed me… instead, he’s writing notes and leaving clothes and toiletries out for me?

With my hair still slightly damp I finally left his room and headed down to the cafeteria for a coffee and a book from the common room bookshelves, before I made my way outside into the yard. The compound seemed a little more peaceful today and the Saviours seemed more relaxed and at ease. Negan’s absence clearly had a calming effect on this place and I could see why. He was their ruler and he commanded a strict level of respect and obedience at all times, and made those who were less than compliant pay for the error of their ways. _No pressure to stay in line then._

I perched myself on a nearby empty picnic bench and wasted no time delving into the tattered book I’d picked up – East of Eden, by John Steinbeck. It wasn’t long before I was fully engrossed in the pages before me, every sentence and every word more captivating than the last; but when I did raise my head to observe the yard around me I was met with a woman’s eyes staring in my direction. She seemed a little on edge as I looked her way, but nevertheless she walked towards me and sat down opposite on the bench.

“Hi. Y/N right?” she said with a sweet, gentle voice. I simply nodded in response as I tried to figure her out. I’d seen other women around the Sanctuary but most were usually working or hung around the necks of a Saviour, none ever bothered to offer me any sort of conversation.

“I’m Sherry. Just thought I’d come say hi and see how you’re doing. It’s not easy being here around these men and Negan.”

“Yeah you can say that again. I’ve just gotta get through it and get back to my people at least.”

“Oh, you’re not staying? We thought you were one of Negan’s new wives, after we lost the others” she replied sounding a little surprised.

“No, I’m not. What does that even mean anyway, his wives? He mentioned them before but I didn’t really ask.”

“Basically the women waiting on him hand and foot, ready to take care of his every need whenever he snaps his fingers. It’s either that or you work like the rest of the people here. You do all that for him and he takes care of you.” She looked down at her hands and twiddled with her fingers, with a saddened expression on her face.

“That what you do here? You’re one of his wives?” I questioned, although it was pretty obvious that she was. With that in mind I was careful not to divulge too much information to her in case she was here with some sort of motive. She raised her head again and looked pained this time.

“Yeah. I was out there with my husband, a long time ago now. We ran into trouble, with what it’s like out there, but he was keeping me safe enough until we got brought in by the Saviours. Negan offered me the choice be his wife and he’d look after us, otherwise he saw no reason to keep us alive.”

“Doesn’t sound like much of a choice to me,” I interrupted.

“No. It didn’t feel like much of one either.” She paused a little, and it was clear to me that I’d misjudged her. She looked helpless and defeated by her current situation. “What about you? You got a guy back wherever you’re from?”

“Yeah, sort of.” I smiled to myself, as images of Daryl’s face spread through my mind, but the woman before me continued to look uncomfortable and shifty. We were both suddenly alerted as a group of men on the other side of the yard called out to her and started walking in our direction, prompting Sherry to lean in close with a slight panic in her tone.

“Listen, Negan’s a scary as shit. You have no idea what he’s capable of. Whatever you’ve been through out there, whoever you’ve come across, he’s so much worse. If you’re lucky and you do what he says, he might let you live.” And with that, she darted off from the table and instead, the small group of men took her place as I went from one uncomfortable encounter to another. The men now sat around me wore dark clothing and tattered jeans, along with heavy duty boots but didn’t share the usual rough, brazen look on their faces that most Saviours did. They sat around me with their drinks and small bits of food and didn’t look too threatening, although I never could tell these days.

“You must be the new girl everyone’s talking about. I’m Nathan,” the first man said, raising his hand forward gesturing a hand shake – possibly the most unexpected interaction from someone around here. I looked up at him and cautiously reciprocated his gesture.

“Y/N.    

“Y/N. This is Neil, Lee and James. Look mean as fuck but they’re harmless,” he said jokingly as he nudged the men around me who all nodded at the mention of their names. “See you met Sherry. Wouldn’t go listening to that one. Causing all sorts of trouble around here, just go take a look at Dwight’s face.”

“Wait, she did that?” I questioned intently, now more interested by the conversation currently taking place than the book I had previously been enjoying. The men around me laughed out loud at the absurdity of what I’d just suggested.

Lee, the tall, red headed man sat opposite me spoke this time. “Nah Y/N. Not Sherry, Negan. When Sherry and Dwight came here Negan took her as his wife and Dwight didn’t like that one fucking bit. Stupid bitch didn’t listen, underestimated Negan and started sneaking round back to Dwight and well, Negan found out and he _realllly_ doesn’t like to share. Made sure Dwight paid for their little fuck up. Pressed his face up against some hot fucking coal, thought for sure he was gonna burn his whole face off.”

My mouth gawped open in shock. Sherry and Dwight? That explains why he’s so bitter. “Wow, I had no idea.”

“Yeah well, you got nothing to worry about. Negan aint that bad really. He runs this place and looks after his people pretty well, just as long as they don’t step out of line,” Nathan reassured as he sipped his coffee.

I laughed out loud a little and pointed to the sore, pink gash and accompanying bruise on my head from my journey to the Sanctuary. “Yeah, he made sure I knew that.”

“Pfft. Nasty, but you got off easy from what I heard. That’s what’s got everyone talking round here. About how you went solo and took down a whole lot of those biters out there like it was nothing. Said you got some mad skills with knives and we better all watch out.” The men joked with me and I actually allowed myself to laugh with them. I felt a little more comfortable around them - they didn’t seem to want to harm me. Still, I didn’t know them and didn’t fully trust their intentions.

“Anyway, we better get going. Got shit to do so we’ll leave you to your book. You need anything or ever wanna chat, we’re around. Take it easy Y/N.” The men left smiling and gave a slight wave goodbye, leaving me with a lot to think about. I had heard two different accounts of Negan and a little insight on Dwight’s to mull over as I went back to reading my book and spent the rest of my day enjoying the heat and relaxed atmosphere.

After a few hours of reading, the sun began to withdraw and the air grew cool again, and the low rumbling of vehicles in the distance could be heard approaching the compound. Sure enough, as they rolled through the gates and further down the path, Negan accompanied by a range of Saviours exited their trucks and cars and began unloading their haul from the day. It looked like clothes and food mostly but an impressive amount piled up nonetheless. After most of it had been cleared away, the men dispersed and Negan made his way over to me with Lucille perched on his shoulder looking a little bloody, along with his usual grin on his face.

“Missed me, darlin’? Hope none of my men have been bothering you,” he sneered. He appeared to be in a good mood, but honestly, who was ever sure.

“Nope. Just smacked me around a little and fucked me too,” I joked sarcastically. Had I lifted my head from the book in my palms, I would’ve seen his grin quickly disappear and instead, an irritated expression on his face as he gritted his teeth.

“Fuckin’ hilarious. Come on.” He snatched the book from my hands and began heading indoors. I followed him closely, sighing in a frustrated manner after his less than polite interaction. I walked the halls and stairwells behind him silently, as he occasionally made contact with Saviours that passed us by, and within a few minutes we were back to the confines of his room, doors firmly closed behind us. For a few minutes, I stood in the open space before his desk as he rummaged around in a nearby drawer and I wondered where to place myself. From it, he pulled out two ornate, decorated drinking glasses and a bottle of whiskey before filling them both generously.

His hand held out the glass before me as he gestured for me to take it, but feeling a little confused at the interaction I hesitated. He laughed at my distrust and bewilderment.

“I’m not gonna fuckin’ poison you, darlin’. Drink. Celebrate a good fuckin’ run with me.” But I still did not reach for the glass and the grin on his face grew wider. “Shit. You really don’t fuckin’ like me do you, doll? And here I was thinking I’m downright loveable.” 

Reluctantly I grabbed the glass from him and took a little sip of the poignant dark liquid, coughing a little as it spread warmth down my throat. Pacing the room, I spoke to him with disgust. I couldn’t help it. I flitted from revulsion to an almost admiration of him unwillingly.

“Lovable, yeah right. How many people did you kill today on your supply run?” I asked, unsure of whether I really wanted an answer. Negan downed his drink with ease and poured himself another.

“Only two today, so a pretty boring day when you think about it. Came at us guns blazing – stupid fucks.” The smile on his face as he spoke of murdering somebody was utterly sickening. I said nothing, finished my drink and set the glass down. Negan walked round from the other side of the desk and came within a close proximity of where I stood. He always sent shivers down my spine when he moved towards me, let alone being so close.

“Let me ask you something, doll. Remind me, how many of my men was it that you killed? We aint so fuckin’ different now are we.”

“I am not like you,” I spat back at him, outraged at the prospect of being compared to such a monster. “I don’t torture people. I don’t kill the living because it fucking gets me off hearing them scream and suffer like some sort of psychotic maniac. That shit doesn’t even so much as make you fucking uncomfortable.” All the while I verbally attacked him, his wicked smile developed as if turned on by my fury and he slowly advanced on me until my back was pressed firmly against the wall.

His dark eyes looked down into mine and his lips were closer than ever, so much so that I could feel every warm breath of his on my face. He leaned in and I held my breath, sure that his lips were about meet mine, but instead he moved past my face and his mouth placed by my ear as he whispered intimidatingly.

“Rest assured, darlin’.“ He paused and I suddenly felt his soft lips crashing into my neck, teeth grazing my skin ever so lightly. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ “There is nothing I fucking do,” he whispered again in between passionately kissing and playfully biting further and further down my neck, “that makes me feel uncomfortable.”

His touch on my skin felt good, a heated feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time and clearly longed for, as my body involuntarily arched forward into his and a soft moaning exhale left my mouth. Betrayed by my own body. _What is wrong with me? – I hate this man._

As quickly as Negan had started, he stopped and took a few steps backwards, looking down at me with a wicked admiration. His grin showed off his gleaming white teeth as he chuckled a little to himself, revelling in the effect he was having on my body. _This would be so much easier if he didn’t look so good._

He took a few steps back, slipping the leather jacket from his shoulders and lifting his t-shirt from his body, revealing his buff, hairy chest. I watched attentively, nervously - waiting for his next move. He continued to move away from me and towards his bathroom, and I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for some distance between us so I could clear my head.

He stood in the doorway and turned to me once more, glancing over my body, still smiling his devilish and enticing smile. I stood firmly against the wall still, pinned in place by his piercing eyes, not daring to move.

“Now, if you’re done hating my fuckin’ guts, you’re welcome to join me in the shower.” 

I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“Your loss darlin’,” he said with a playful wink and disappeared behind the door.


	13. Invasive Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler chapter here just to get to the next part. Next one will be better ;)

After that night’s embarrassing display, I spent the following day avoiding Negan at all costs. I made a habit of waking late that morning after I’d heard him fumbling around early on, no doubt for his usual prized accessory – Lucille, before slamming the door behind him. I assumed he’d be on another run today, as the moment he opened the door to leave, a few of his men could be heard engaging him in conversation, before their voices and footsteps disappeared with him down the hallway. I felt a sense of relief as he left me to my own devices for the day. The last thing I wanted today was him making sly, egotistical comments about the power his touch was having over me last night and no doubt, he would be revelling in it.

With him out of the compound all day, it made the task fairly easy. I was able to lounge around in his room undisturbed, taking my time to bathe and dress myself, however absencing Negan from my mind was proving more difficult. Throughout the day, thought after thought rushed through my head about that night – his charming, but at the same time sickening demeanour, his wickedly attractive smile and the touch of his lips burning on my flesh. What is it about that man that was so disturbingly captivating? And more importantly how could I make these shameful thoughts get the hell out of my head? _Man, I needed to get back to Daryl._

I’d tried everything to rid myself of these invasive thoughts. I’d perused the books that filled Negan’s room but not one enticed me. I’d even tried a little light exercise, varying between sit ups and push ups, however still this was ineffective. I even made sure I attended all three meal times that day just to have something to do and something else to focus on. Their food was basic like ours in Alexandria, but I supposed it would have to be for the sheer number of mouths they were feeding here. Scrambled eggs, beans and toast for breakfast. A lightly spiced curry featuring an unidentified meat, or an attempt at a vegetable risotto for lunch. A meaty smelling stew with little vegetables mixed in, or a basic stir fry for dinner. Despite the limited food supply we were all on the unfortunate receiving end of these days, they did remarkably well for variety of meals offered, although I doubted everybody in the Sanctuary was suffering as much as the rest of the world out there.

The only moment that provided a decent distraction that day was when Nathan and the same group of friends joined me for a little conversation outside in the yard. I learned a little more about them all - what they’d done before this shitty apocalypse, how they’d ended up with the Saviours and what they actually did around this place. They seemed keen to get to know me too, asking all sorts of questions about my life and even more about Alexandria but I was still far too cautious to divulge anything even remotely interesting to them.

After a lot of chatting and even a few laughs shared between us all, it wasn’t long before the skies grew cool and dark and I was able to scurry back up to Negan’s room making sure I was comfortably settled in his bed, much earlier than usual. I was hell bent on evading him as he returned to his room and turned in for the night. Not after how that played out last time. At the very least, I would pretend to be asleep if he came to find me, but it was a long time before I surrendered to sleep, kept awake by a constant knotting in my stomach and a constant overthinking.

The following morning followed in much the same way, faking a deep sleep well into the morning and evading Negan until he’d left the compound again accompanied by his men. I was able to once again linger in the confines of his room and loiter around the complex most of the day, as I expected a fairly uneventful day just the same.

But this day, I was not so fortunate. This day, I had the displeasure of an infuriating encounter with none other than Dwight.

Dwight, disgusting threats and a bolt aimed at my head.


	14. Dwight's Threats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter. There might be a slight wait for the next one as it's not written yet and I like to get a few done at once, but don't worry I'm still totally committed. Enjoy my lovelies x

After the dinner period had ended, I headed outdoors with a bottle of water, intending on taking a relaxing walk to kill a little time before retreating to Negan’s room again that night, when I was intrigued by a rowdy commotion coming from further round the yard.

My ears led my feet towards the noise and I stood a little out of way as I spied Dwight and a few other Saviours engaging in what looked like some competitive target practice. There were sacks of sand dotted around, leaning against the iron fence with various markings on them, targets I assumed, as well as wooden boards attached at different heights with bullseye’s carved into them. _Foolish_ , and a waste of time, I thought. There was no use practicing on a stationary target, the dead won’t just kindly stand still for you to take your shot. They much preferred scrambling towards you with a ravenous desperation to sink their teeth into your flesh and tear your limbs apart to feat upon. Regardless, the men cheered and booed each other in jest as some either made, or quite shamefully missed their targets. One mediocre shot followed another. How I’d have loved to have had my knives by my side right now. I could almost picture their faces as the slim blade cut through the air between them and pierced the targets with precision. They would turn and gawp in my direction feeling a little intimidated and even emasculated, and I would share no words with them, only a proud grin upon my face. But as much as I longed for the blades I’d come here with, I couldn’t simply reach out for them and that little fantasy would have to wait.

Dwight was amongst the men before me, waiting to take his turn. I couldn’t help but watch him from a distance, the way he stood, the way he asserted himself, taking in every detail about him. I wondered how fearsome he actually was and how would I best take him down, as a million different scenarios ran through my head on how I might one day end his life. Would it be quick and relieving? Or perhaps it would be slow, torturous and somewhat gratifying as I watched the blood pool out of his body and around my feet. My thoughts soon came to a halt as my eyes scanned his figure and my mouth gawped open a little at the infuriating sight before me. I’d noticed he was wielding an all too familiar weapon – Daryl’s crossbow.

As soon as I spied it, I felt my body fill with fury, my fingertips scrunched deep into my palms, fingernails almost cutting into my skin with rage. _How dare he?_ The loathsome little cretin, disgusting in every way. That crossbow belongs in Daryl’s arms, not his. The sight repulsed me to my very core. It was like a rage I had never felt before just to see him parading around smugly with it by his side.  

I watched as Dwight lined up before the targets and took his shot, hitting the mark just off centre. _Of course, he’s not even a fucking good shot with it, is he?_  Dwight however, was satisfied with the result he had earned and boasted cockily to the men around him, as he stepped forward to retrieve the ammo. Not realising how just how obvious I had made my presence, I was alerted as he turned towards me and caught a glimpse of me, observing the scene before me intently.

“What’s the matter, Y/N, you ain’t shy are ya? Why don’t you come show us what ya got?” He called out, showing off in front of all of those men – _pathetic piece of shit._

It took a great deal of will power to stop myself from charging at him and ripping his face to shreds. Instead, I stepped closer to them and perched myself against the brick walls opposite them unable to wipe the scowl from my face.

“A damn better shot than any of you fuckers that’s for sure,” I snapped back.

The men surrounding him laughed at my response and teased me with immature noises, suggesting I was being overly sensitive and touchy, but I didn’t care _. I was right_ , I was a better shot than them. As well as my blades, I’d had plenty of practise with a bow and arrow thus far and Daryl had been showing me how to use his crossbow. It was a great deal heavier than what I was used to, but my aim never faltered and above all, he was a great teacher - albeit lacking patience at times.

Dwight raised the crossbow in the air slightly as if to dangle it before me. “Don’t mind her fellas, she’s just being a bitch cause the last time she saw this was in her dickhead boyfriend’s arms, and now it belongs to me – the guy who shot him down like the piece of shit he is,” he joked to his men with an infuriating arrogance as he closed in on me. “And there’s fuck all you can do about it. Ain’t that right.”

“You know what I might do?” A laugh escaped his mouth before he raised the crossbow to my face this time, placing the cool metal of it into my forehead. It was loaded and ready to take me out with a single shot. My heart pounded hard and I held my breath not wanting to inch into it any further. My own hubris had gotten the best of me. Had I forgotten who had the upper hand here? Had I forgotten where I was and who these men were, or more importantly, what they were capable of?

“Maybe I’ll fuck you whilst you probably cry or scream or somethin’, then I’ll put a bolt through your skull, whilst I make your boyfriend watch.” His words sent a shiver down my spine, sickening and frightening me as I looked into the serious and threatening expression on his half mutilated face. I wanted nothing more but to cry as the words escaped his lips, but my fear and desperation festered into rage almost immediately. What a despicable human being. Words could not describe my hatred for him.

A putrid smile then crept upon his face, turning into a laugh as he lowered the weapon and walked back to his target practice along with the other men. I exhaled as the pressure on me was relieved, and stormed off inside the compound passing a few saviours on my way back up to Negan’s room, slamming every door behind me with force. I paced the room furiously, wanting to tear down every precious little thing from the walls and shelves and destroy everything around me in absolute blind rage. Had I been home in Alexandria, I probably would’ve. I felt a fury towards Dwight like I had never experienced, but possibly even more so – Negan. This was ultimately his doing. He led his men to destroy our group, inciting weakness where it had previously ceased to exist. He smugly waltzed in demanding what as ours and took it without hesitation for himself and his fucked up savagely Saviours. Along with all of our hard earned food, clothes and medicine, he took our life saving weapons from our very hands, including Daryl’s crossbow.

I rubbed my hands over my face exasperatedly, breathing in deeply as I tried to calm myself down and relax. I needed to think clearly before inevitably lashing out and going off on a mad killing spree, I needed to keep my wits about me. I needed to think of a way to take back that bow from Dwight’s filthy hands but all I could see was red. Perhaps I would steal it from him in the dead of night. I was quick on my feet and could move quietly and undetected at the best of times, but in a building full of Saviours? There were bound to be a few patrolling the area, stirring in the night or occupied with one of the women here at the very least. Besides, I didn’t even know where Dwight slept exactly, other than on the floor below us. Would he even have the crossbow by his side, or would he have kept it elsewhere, away from thieving fingers like mine? How would I hide it and get it home to Daryl anyway? Probably more importantly, what would happen to me if I got caught? I doubt Negan would take stealing from his men lightly – he wasn’t exactly known for his forgiving nature, if anything, quite the opposite.

The idea soon fizzled out within my mind as I saw no fool proof way to get what I so badly wanted, and so I climbed into bed as the evening drew on. I hadn’t noticed the lateness of the hour and before long, Negan’s thundering steps ascended the stairwell and down the hallway before they invaded the room. I kept my eyes tightly shut and drew no attention to him as he let out an exhausted sigh and collapsed onto the bed beside me, soon succumbing to sleep.

My blood boiled thinking of him lying so close by, and I contemplated the idea of one of my knives, or better yet, the crossbow, pressed firmly into his forehead. How could I go from lusting to loathing in the space of a day or so.

_Wait a minute… Negan!_

It was so obvious now. The only person who could take the weapon from Dwight’s hands and get away with it was Negan, his fearsome leader who as he so often put it, got what he wanted, when he wanted it. But he didn’t want it, not even a little bit – I wanted it, and above all I wanted it to take home to a man I’d come to love and care for. How exactly would I convince him to give it to me instead?

And then it hit me. Negan likes to make deals, doesn’t he? Well, as long as he would get something he wanted out of it. I could make a deal with him and ask him for it, but what did I have to offer him? What would he possibly want from me?

_Don’t kid yourself, Y/N. You know what he wants from you._

It’s just… how prepared am I to give Negan what he wants?


	15. An Absurd Request

The cafeteria was eerily quiet at this time of morning, with the warming sun not long risen over the Sanctuary. Only the gentle noise in the distance disturbed the peace here, coming from the kitchen workers unpacking equipment and ingredients. I heard faint mumbles as they chatted and laughed amongst themselves, and for a moment I questioned how anyone might be happy here.

I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night after my episode with Dwight, and my stomach remained in turmoil this morning as I considered making such an absurd request of Negan; so I’d come down here early for peace and some sort of clarification. And coffee. The coffee was shit but it always helped, even if it couldn’t fix the world or make my decisions for me. That was all that was on my mind, the decision before me to approach Negan.

What would he ask of me? Perhaps it would be something degrading and humiliating for me, before all of his men as they sneered and watched. Or maybe he would make me fuck him like one of his little wives, catering to his every need for the rest of my stay here. What if he asked me to stay indefinitely? What if he asked me to kill the living for him? As question after question clouded my mind, one thing became apparent – that I’d made my decision to at least ask. I would try to strike a deal with Negan, and best case scenario I would walk out of this place in a few days with a crossbow in my hand, never looking back. 

I grabbed two nearby mugs and placed them before me, filling them with steaming hot, black coffee from the dispenser, before heading back out into the hallways and up the stairwells, back to Negan’s room. To my surprise, I returned to find Negan sat upright in his bed not long awakened. His hair was fluffed up and messy and his eyes a little hazy from that night’s sleep. Truth be told, I found something comforting about seeing him like this, as if in his most natural form. Right now, he wasn’t a leader or a killer, he was just a man like any other waking up to face the day before him. He rubbed his hands over his face paying attention to his coarse beard, before spying me in the doorway and allowing an endearing smile to consume his face.  

“What the fuck is this, room service?” he joked, as he nodded his head at the two coffee cups in my hands. For a moment my eyes were a little too consumed in flitting over his half naked body partially covered by the sheets, but then I moved towards him passing one of the drinks into his hands, and setting the other down on the nearby bedside table. I perched myself by his feet on the bed and looked across to him, struggling to meet his smile as my stomach fluttered with anxiety, and instead lowered my eyes to my hands.

“I need – I want, something from you Negan.”

Negan sipped his coffee before setting it down and reaching his arms out to me suddenly, his hands gripping my wrists before he pulled my body on top of his with ease. He held me close to him and I felt the heat radiating from his body to mine, as he flashed his gleaming teeth up at me with excitement.

“I knew it would only be a matter of time sweetheart,” he sneered, as his hand wrapped around the nape of my neck and ushered me in closer to him. But I was fast enough, and pushed myself away from him and climbed up from his body as I scoffed at his arrogance and audacity.

“For fuck’s sake, not that,” I huffed, but he simply laughed to himself in response as he raised from the bed and began clothing himself, first pulling on some fitted navy jeans, accompanied by a black checkered shirt with rolled up sleeves.

“Enlighten me then darlin’, what is it that you want from me?” he said as he pulled up the zipper on his jeans and turned to face me, now situated well away from him by his desk on the other side of the room.

“I want Dar- Dwight’s crossbow.” Negan raised an eyebrow and listened attentively. “The one he’s parading around the compound with. The one you took from us that night in the woods. It’s not his, it doesn’t belong to him. That’s what I want and I was hoping you could get it for me.”

“Huh. Well, that I was not fuckin’ expecting. But you seem to be a little confused here, you said that this crossbow _isn’t_ his, that it _doesn’t_ belong to Dwight. See, that’s where you lost me. Cause the way I see it, it very fuckin’ much is his. He fuckin’ earned it, didn’t he?”

“If by earned, you mean stole…” I snapped back at him, but was quickly interrupted.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you think earning means. See the thing is darlin’, me and my men – we are _very_ good at taking shit, especially shit that you may or may not think is our shit to take. But giving it back? That… well, that’s a different fucking story now isn’t it. We’re not so good at giving shit back. Especially not highly valuable weapons back to little girls so they can run home and please their fuckin’ boyfriends. We definitely do not do that shit.”

He looked positively astonished by my request and I couldn’t blame him. I could hardly believe I was stood before him, asking him this myself. Never mind the words that were about to come out of my mouth.

“I don’t expect you to just hand it over for free. We can make a deal.”

Negan chucked again as he sipped his coffee, clearly finding this conversation more and more amusing. “A deal? That’s funny, doll. What do you even have to fucking offer me? Those knives you came here with? That doesn’t seem like a very fair trade if you ask me.”

“Not my knives, no.” I hesitated at first, but still managed to blurt out the words I would no doubt later regret. “Whatever you want from me. I can’t kill anyone for you, I won’t. But killing aside, that’s what I have to offer you. If you get me that crossbow, along with its ammo and I get to walk out of here with it in my arms and unharmed, I’ll give you whatever you want.”

At first he didn’t speak, but instead made his way over towards me and closed in on me. I felt the solid wooden desk press into me from behind as I was forced back into it, as Negan placed his hands either side of me on the desk and his body became uncomfortably close to my own. His eyes looked fired up with excitement and his trademark wicked smile washed over his face in an instant, clearly filled with delight from my offer.

“That… is a very interesting, but fucking dangerous deal to make, darlin’.”

_I couldn’t breathe. What had I fucking said?!_

His agenda quickly changed as he pulled his body back from me and walked back to sip his coffee that was more than likely now cold. He then reached out to grab his leather jacket from the nearby chairs, and Lucille who had been propped up in a corner awaiting her next assignment. I watched him getting ready to leave, feeling confused over what had just happened, or more accurately what hadn’t happened. _Was that a yes? A no? Had he even heard me?_ Just as I opened my mouth to speak, I felt a sudden jolting sting from behind as Negan leaned in quickly and allowed his palm to firmly slap my right ass cheek, causing me to jump forward and yelp a little in shock.

Negan of course sniggered with delight. “Don’t worry darlin.’ I’ll think about it.” And with that, he opened up the doors that led out into the hallway and disappeared behind them, rendering me speechless.

I desperately tried to busy myself for the rest of the day, starting by joining the majority of the Saviours in the canteen for breakfast. The room was bustling with people and of course, the serving plates were bare by this point, leaving me with a small bowl of dried cereal to consume. I was relieved as James, one of Nathan’s friends, gestured me to his table and made a place for me to sit. He and the few others sat around me made small talk about the work they had set out for the day ahead of them, complaining about the workload and their good for nothing superiors; but I was somewhat absent from their conversations. My eyes scanned the room for any sight of either Negan or Dwight, looking for some sort of indication on what was going to happen next, but they were nowhere to be seen.

Throughout the day I continued to keep my eyes peeled for either one of them. I wandered aimlessly outdoors in between meal times, walking the perimeter of the compound countless times. I’d even returned to Negan’s room once or twice, ready with some sort of feeble excuse for my presence there should I run into him but again, he was not there. I was battling a constant frustration all day, desperate for some answers. Maybe he wouldn’t even ask Dwight – he clearly thought the idea of me walking out of here with that crossbow was downright laughable. Even if he did, he wouldn’t necessarily ask today. I still had a few days left here, he could draw this out as long as he wanted. Maybe he was biding his time as he thought long and hard about what he wanted from me.

This day felt longer than the rest, as if purposely dragged out to keep me in suspense. For the rest of the evening I sat in the common room on one of the sofas in the corner, flicking through a range of tattered magazines that were scattered around. Most were men’s fitness, tattoo or pornography based and it’s safe to say were less than appealing to me. It didn’t matter either way, as I flicked through the pages barely focusing on the content, eyes glancing upwards whenever someone entered or even passed the room. After some time, I heard heavy footsteps echoing down the hallway outside, and a familiar booming voice yelled out to someone.

“You better be fuckin’ ready tomorrow Anderson, I fuckin’ mean it.”

 _Finally_. Negan’s voice faded away and I heard the nearby doors to the stairwell slam shut behind him, as he retreated upstairs to his quarters. I waited a good ten minutes or so before leaving to find him, not wanting him to think I’d been waiting on him all day. I’m sure he would love the idea of my entire day revolving around him. Plus, I was keen on avoiding any suspicion from the few remaining Saviours in the room, thinking I was running off to be with their fearless leader like some swooning pathetic damsel in distress.

When I did eventually make my way up the stairwells, along the long corridor and before Negan’s door, I felt nervous and frightened. Frightened of what I might find on the other side of this door, about the words we would exchange and whatever might follow. Adrenaline rushed through my body quickening my breath and making the hairs on my arms stand up. It took a moment to calm myself down before I turned the handle in front of me and entered the room. Negan was not immediately visible as I had expected, but instead in his en-suite running himself a shower judging from the sound of heavy water hitting tile.

I stepped forward in his direction, but froze on the spot as I passed the bed and something out of the corner of my eye drew my attention. There, upon the soft quilted sheets piled up over the mattress, lay my answer. I could hardly believe it. Daryl’s crossbow was right there. I gazed upon its strong metal body and moulded fibreglass bow with admiration. A both accurate and powerful weapon with a sleek design. I looked upon the weapon before me with overwhelming gratitude and admiration. This thing had saved me countless times and I owed it, and its rightful owner, my life.

I was suddenly snapped back to reality as Negan cleared his throat a little as he entered the room. His tall, domineering figure appeared in the doorway to the bathroom and he looked upon me with a sinful, impish grin.

Negan had actually gotten me what I had asked for.

And now… it was time to pay for it.


	16. Payment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here goes. This chapter is rated 18+, mature content.   
> Totally nervous about posting this as it's my first attempt at this, hoping it's not too much and not too little to satisfy all your, *ahem* needs. 
> 
> Also if you wanna keep updated with my ramblings on chapters, like how far on I am (and I post lots of Negan/Daryl gifs so what's not to love) you can keep an eye out for that stuff on my tumblr page: thewalkingdeadfanatic.tumblr.com 
> 
> Thanks my lovelies, the comments are awesome and you all rock. 
> 
> ENJOYYYYYYYY xo

He looked like a giant as he towered over me, a giant with gorgeous thick hair and mesmerising eyes, with a husky voice that had an electrifying effect within my body. I tried desperately to convince myself there was no attraction here, but every silver strand accentuating his rugged beard and every dark fleck in his soulful hazel eyes kept me mesmerised.

“You know, I don’t think you understand what the fuck you really asked of me, darlin’.” Negan looked down at me with a naughty smile as his eyes glossed over my body, standing just a few steps away from him. As he spoke, he began pacing around me in circles, much as he had that night in the woods. Once again, my fate lay in his hands.

“You have no fuckin’ idea how fuckin’ hard that was for me, to approach one of my men and say ‘ _Hey, I appreciate all the shit you’re doing here man and I see you got a nice little compensation prize there, but I’m gonna have to take that shit away from you now._ ’ Not cool, not fuckin’ cool at all.  Like that guy hasn’t had enough shit taken from him, poor bastard. Man… he was not happy. You shoulda seen his face, you would’ve liked it.” Negan’s eyes watched my face intently, gauging my reaction to his words. “Yeah, and you can bet your sweet ass he knows where the fuck it’s going after that little display out in the yard the other day. Oh yeah, I heard all about that shit. I know every fucking thing that goes on in this place. Man… you and him have some real beef, don’t you? You guys fuck buddies before all this shit? That what this is? Maybe he treat you real shitty and you’re still a little pissed?”

A stunned expression spread over my face and I was barely able to compose my words after such an unexpected question. “No you- Are you, are you serious? No! We weren’t _fuck buddies_. Ugh.” I had never been so offended in my life, but Negan laughed to himself amused by my disgust, practically delighted by it.

“What the fuck is up with you two then?” he asked as he kicked his boots off to one side.

“Nothing. He’s just crossed my path a few too many times before and been a real asshole every single time. Can’t say he’s my favourite person if I’m honest.”

Negan lowered his head to the ground a little, smiling to himself a little, seemingly even more entertained. He raised his head and looked into my eyes, devilish grin consuming his face.

“Well. We aren’t exactly here to talk about Dwight now are we. ‘Cause right now, you’ve gotten yourself in a little bit of a fuckin’ predicament now haven’t you. What was it you offered me for that thing?”

My heart rate had quickened significantly as he toyed with me, stomach fluttering and nerves all over the place as he continued to circle me one again. But beneath it all, I was gratuitous. He knew what I wanted and why I wanted it, and still, he held up his end of the deal. Whatever he was about to reveal he wanted from me, I was ready for. I could prepare myself for it. As much as I told myself that, it didn’t comfort me as he stopped pacing and invaded the space before me forcing me to hold my breath. Our bodies were almost touching and our faces tantalizingly close. My eyes darted across his face scanning every detail from his hypnotising eyes to his stubbly beard that surrounded his rough looking lips. There was no smile on his face now, he actually looked a little serious and intimidating.

“Oh yeah, how could I forget. Whatever, the fuck, I want. Which means I get to do this, and you won’t fuckin’ dare pull away from me,” he said with a low, grumble in his voice, before leaning closer and wrapping one firm hand around my waist and the other around my neck. His surprisingly soft lips came crashing down into mine with force and the warmth from his touch sent excitement through my body. He pulled his lips back ever so slightly and I felt a smirk across his mouth as his lips met mine again and again, as he parted my lips and let our tongues dance with each other’s, leaving a soft tingle in my mouth. He paused for just a second, his lips detaching from my own leaving me with a longing for their touch again.

“It also means I get to do this, and you’ll fucking comply.” At first I was puzzled, but all became clear as his hands shifted and he gripped the t-shirt that clung to my chest, pulling it up over my head before tossing it carelessly across the room. He leaned in close again without hesitation and this time his lips kissed my neck passionately, teasing my body as just like last time, it arched forward into his. His hands were eager on my body as they explored everywhere from my waist, to rummaging through my hair and roughly grasping my heaving breasts. He playfully grazed his teeth against my skin driving me wild, and he knew it, as soon as my hands had reached forward and gripped onto his manly chest pressing close to me. Again, he slowly came to a stop and stepped back, gazing upon the sight before him with a heated desire. I was ashamed to be enjoying this so much, but his touch lingering on my body was difficult to resist.

Without speaking this time, his fingers lightly skimmed over the jeans that hugged my hips, before he unzipped them and tugged them downwards, kicking them aside as they dropped from my body.  Nerves hit me hard again as I stood before him wearing nothing but some black lace panties, and I couldn’t help but scrunch my arms in close to my body in an attempt to conceal my eager breasts. Negan soon pushed my arms back by my side though, before both hands raised up and grazed my aroused nipples in his fingertips causing a soft moan to escape my lips. His eyes twinkled and he grinned with delight.

Unexpectedly, Negan’s hand then made its way over to my own intertwining our finger tips and pulled me towards his en-suite bathroom, placing me in front of the steaming shower still gazing upon my body with lust and a devilish desire. Still stood close to me he began removing his shirt revealing his muscular chest and broad shoulders, before pulling down the zipper on his jeans.

“Get in,” he commanded, nodding his head towards the shower behind me. I hesitated for a moment. Did I really want to do this? What was I talking about – I didn’t have a choice, this was the deal, this was what he wanted. Besides, there was no denying that a part of me might have actually wanted it, _just a tiny bit_... My fingers slowly reached down and removed the underwear from my body and I turned quickly into the hot stream of water, followed by Negan who stepped into the shower with me and immediately pushed himself against my back, biting my neck as the water ran over both our bodies. His hands wandered and slipped over my breasts massaging them enthusiastically, enticing me with every touch as he continued to bite, kiss and lick my neck furiously. My body squirmed as one hand slowly slid its way south down past my stomach and between my thighs, his fingertips finding their way to my clit. I panicked as I felt a sudden surge of excitement as his fingers began circling slowly, and so I turned to face him placing my hands on his chest. I aimed to look into his gleaming eyes and wicked smile but my eyes darted down as his large, hard cock pressed against me firmly.

Looking back up to meet Negan’s eyes, I was greeted with his quiet chuckle to himself. “Suggest you do something about that doll,” he said as he winked at me. This is what he wants. _This, is what he wants._ I’d gotten carried away in all the excitement, not taking a moment to really see what was going on, what I was doing and above all who I was doing it with. I knew I would come to hate myself for this so why was I so damn turned on? The fleeting thought passed quickly as my hands were placed on his throbbing erection and I gripped it tightly. It felt even bigger than it looked now that it was in my hands, and I wondered if I would even be able to take it on, but I would have to try. I lowered myself onto my knees in the base of the shower and looked up at Negan with my doe-y eyes, anticipating his desires that were all too clear. The soothing pressure of water now rained down my shoulders and back. My lips parted and before I knew it my tongue was slowly licking his firm cock from tip to base, feeling it twitch with pleasure against my tongue. Catching him a little of guard, I widened my mouth a little more as I licked him all over before taking the whole length of him in my mouth, guiding my head up and down with rhythm.

“Fuck,” I heard him groan, as he leaned forward supporting himself with one arm out against the shower wall and allowed the other hand to make its way down to me, burying it in my hair and gripping fiercely. His cock throbbed as it filled my mouth and I continued to lick, suck and tease every inch revelling in the groans coming from his mouth. For once, _I_ was in control. He was at _my_ mercy and I was perhaps enjoying it more than I should’ve been, as I quickened myself and wrapped my tongue tighter around his member. His grip in my hair tensed and he let out an even louder moan as eventually the sweet taste of his cum pumped into my mouth as he gave in and released. The sigh of relief from his lips was more than satisfying. He had loved every minute of my mouth around him.

I raised myself to my feet trying to conceal the smile on my face but it was no use, and Negan looked down at me both happy and bewildered before placing a kiss on my forehead. “You should ask me for stuff more often, darlin’. I could sure get used to that,” he sniggered. I could do nothing but offer a little laugh, feeling a little flattered by his appreciation, before I turned away from him to begin washing myself down.

All of a sudden I was slammed into the tiled wall before me with Negan’s hand pressing me there in place. “You didn’t think I was just gonna let you get away with that, did ya,” he whispered naughtily in my ear. “And no fuckin’ fighting it this time.” His other hand gripped my waist, slid down and grasped my ass before he slapped it, but he didn’t stop there. He moved quickly giving me no time to think as I felt his touch between my legs and his fingers filled me, one followed by another thrusting in and out of me with speed. His other hand reached round and he pinched my nipple between two fingers causing me to moan out loudly with pleasure.

“Yeah, that’s what I fuckin’ thought, doll,” he growled coarsely in my ear again as his fingers moved faster, pressing against my walls and my g-spot making me wetter than ever. His other hand fell from my breast and down to my clit again, only this time I didn’t try to get away as he drew shapes on me, slowing and quickening his rhythm repeatedly making me squirm. My hands were eager to grip onto something as my whole body writhed with pleasure. Just when I thought he couldn’t do anymore, he inserted another finger deep into my slit and pounded me harder, tapping and circling my clit furiously. I was breathing rapid by now and against all my natural urges I tried desperately not to succumb, but at last I began to shake as a wave of ecstasy consumed my entire body and I let out a loud moan that was probably heard throughout the entire compound.

Negan’s fingers slipped out of me as he released me and I heard him laugh to himself with accomplishment as I calmed down from my high. We didn’t speak much for the next few minutes as he lathered up both our bodies and washed us down. Soon after, we were both dried off, semi clothed and beneath the sheets ready to turn in for the night. I’d turned over with my back to Negan as he drifted off into a deep sleep, but my mind ticked over and over.

What had just happened? How could that have been so good… but so very, very bad.

_What had I done._


	17. Like It Or Not

The next morning, I woke early to the sounds of men readying themselves for the day ahead throughout the compound. Initially I awakened a little alerted to find one of Negan’s strong, muscular arms cradled over my body, holding me tightly. The embrace made me feel more than uncomfortable, as images from last night’s ‘event’ flashed through my head causing me to cringe with both embarrassment and shame. Our naked bodies pressing against each other, his being pleasured with every flick of my tongue and mine writhing with pleasure at his touch… I tried to shake the image from my head and shuffled a little in the sheets trying to put a little distance between the two of us, but my gesture soon appeared to have been in vain, as I felt his warm breath against the back of my neck as the man lying beside me let out a little laugh. The feel of it on my skin made the hairs on my neck stand up, as it sent a tingling shiver down my spine.

“You put those sweet fuckin’ lips of yours around my dick last night and now you won’t even fuckin lie next to me?” he grumbled playfully in my ear as his hands wrapped around my waist even tighter. He pulled me in close to his body placing a tender kiss, followed by an enticing nibble on my neck. I denied his touch exciting me, and vaulted myself away from him, sitting upright on the bed. I’d given him what he wanted in exchange for Daryl’s crossbow – there was no need for any replay of our heated antics from the night before or to even speak of them again.

As I dressed myself perched on the end of the bed, faced away from Negan, I struggled to ease the tension in the room. “Another run today?” I asked abruptly.

Had I been looking upon his face I would’ve seen it turn sour, unhappy with the blatant change in conversation. He grumbled a little to himself and rose from the bed, headed to the dresser and picked out some clothes before he began dressing himself.

“Mhm.”

“Can I come with you?” _Stupid question,_ met with a haughty laugh from Negan who had now turned towards me from across the room.

“Not a fuckin’ chance, doll.”

“Why the fuck not?” I questioned with a fiery tone, almost outraged that on some level, he must’ve thought me incompetent and lesser than his team of men that he chooses to face the walkers. I could take down a fucking swarm of them with all this pent up aggression.

“I don’t fuckin’ trust you around me half the time, never mind out there with a fuckin’ weapon in your hand amongst a whole load of my men. You could flick your wrist in a second and take out one of my guys with those knives of yours. I aint gonna risk that shit.”

“Are you serious? I’m good out there, I…” I reiterated, but was cut off sharply with his raised voice.

“Have you lost your fuckin’ mind? Have you forgotten where you are? Have you forgotten who’s in charge here? Cause it sure as shit aint you.” He sighed to himself, clearly frustrated with the conversation as he rummaged around behind his desk for his usual affects that he started the day with. “I said no and that’s that. You can stay here. Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t give a shit, but you ain’t coming out there with me and my guys. End of fuckin’ discussion.”

“Ugh, whatever.” I huffed as I watched him ready himself to leave. Clearly the wrong reaction to have had as his face scrunched up, angered by my words, and he made his way over placing himself within a close proximity of myself. I suddenly felt like a young school girl again, about to be scolded by the strict, mean teacher that nobody liked and was a little afraid of. His fingers gripped my chin and tilted my head up to meet his piercing gaze.

“One more thing. I’m gonna make a little suggestion here darlin’, that you stop with the fuckin’ attitude that you just _cannot_ keep to your fuckin’ self. I get it. You’re pissed after what we did. But hell, I didn’t fuckin’ make you make that deal, did I? You offered… _anything._ You came up with that on your own. And you know what’s fuckin’ funny about this whole thing? I didn’t even hear you say no, not one fuckin’ time. So doll, whether you fuckin’ like it or not, you best come to terms that with the fact that you and that sweet little pussy of yours, loved every fuckin’ thing I did to you in that shower.” And with that, Negan headed towards the door and slammed the door behind him as he disappeared down the hall.

I felt sickened. How can one man’s words send me into such turmoil? I grabbed the top of one of his leather chairs and flung it to the floor in a defeated frustration. I allowed myself at least ten minutes to calm myself down before leaving myself, and heading downstairs to the cafeteria. The room was slowly starting to clear out, but I was able to grab a small plate of cold scrambled eggs and fried toast to tide me over until dinner time. I sat alone and ate, replaying my interaction with Negan this morning. Having pissed him off was not a good feeling. Not guilt or disappointment in myself but more of an awareness of my idiocy. How could I have gone from a feeling of empowerment over him, to this. Unpredictable. I couldn’t wait to get back to Alexandria and my people. I didn’t have to tread with caution amongst them and felt much more at ease with my surroundings. And better yet, this time I was coming back with a prize. _Tomorrow, I’d be going home._

A little after finishing breakfast, I dumped my plate in the dirty dishes basins and headed outside with a hot cup of coffee to enjoy the warm Georgian morning. I was immediately welcomed over to my usual bench spot by Nathan and James and a few others, and I offered them a smile as I made my way over to join them. Around us, men in the yard were congregating by the trucks and by the gates gearing up to head out, hopeful to return with a decent haul of supplies.

“You guys ever do any work around here?” I joked to them, which prompted a playful nudge from Nathan sat beside me.

“Yeah right. You wanna come do maintenance with me today? I’m sure we got some rubber gloves lying around somewhere,” he sneered back as he sipped his coffee.

“No thanks, I don’t scrub toilets _or_ floors for anyone I’m afraid. I’ll think about you guys though when I’m back in Alexandria and you’re doing all this shit.”

We all laughed for a minute amongst ourselves. How could these men belong here with such villains? They seemed nice enough and willing to contribute to their community, they’d be far more useful and valued in Alexandria, although I highly doubted Negan would appreciate me handing out invitations to join me. Not that my people would take them in anyway, not after Abraham.

“You gonna miss me when I’m gone?” I teased.

“Pfft. Wouldn’t go that far…” but he smiled as I spoke and I knew he would.

We all turned towards the trucks as various weapons and supplies were hoisted into the backs of them carelessly, making loud clattering noises that at first startled me. Negan was now amongst the men, talking with a few of his most loyal men whilst he bellowed orders to the others.

“Guess they’re heading out then. How come you guys don’t get to go out on runs then? Scared of walkers?” I mocked.

“Yeah right. Those dead fuckers ain’t got nothing on us,” James sniggered, making me chuckle to myself a little.

“We do go out now and then, just varies. We all got our jobs – patrol, guard post, maintenance, kitchen crew… whatever. That’s how Negan keeps shit running round here and we know better than to fucking contest that. You wishing you were out there with those guys, huh? From what everyone was saying about when you came in here, sounds like you’d be actually valuable out there to ‘em.” Nathan spoke as he gestured towards the men still gearing up, as he noticed my eyes watching them intently.

“Yeah. But why have me out there being actually useful to you all when I can be here, boring you guys to fucking death,” I scoffed and we all laughed amongst ourselves. The men around me soon fell silent and their expressions turned serious, before they stood up from the bench abruptly and kneeled to the ground. For a moment I was confused, although understood as I noticed Negan had waltzed over in our direction. Funnily enough, I did not share their same mark of respect for this man and remained in my place.

I looked over to him wearing a grin on his face as his fingers gripped the base of Lucille tightly, who dangled by his side. He made a gesture with his head indicating for me to jump up from the bench, which I did, taking a few steps away from the others who rose from their feet and resumed their previous positions. Negan seemed to have a cheerful demeanour this time, as opposed to this morning when he was being downright shitty. This man confused me endlessly, flitting from one extreme mood to another.

He spoke to me slightly louder than necessary as he scanned the men around me, making sure to keep them within decent earshot of our conversation. “I’m heading out for a run now darlin’, probably gonna be a bit late tonight so you just keep that fuckin’ bed warm for me, okay doll?” He slipped me a playful wink but my face was nothing but puzzled and unimpressed by his little display. In an instant, he reached forward and pulled me close to him, gripping his hand on the small of my back before leaning into my face, parting my soft lips with his and kissing me passionately. He pulled away and allowed that sinful grin to consume his face again, as he perched Lucille upon his shoulder in a most menacing manner, and sauntered off back to his men.

I knew what he was doing, although I was still stunned by it. Did he actually just so arrogantly mark his territory in front of all of these men? He couldn’t have made it any more fucking obvious. He might as well have pissed a circle around me. My bewilderment developed into amusement, as I processed this all in my head. Did he actually feel threatened by these men that he deemed beneath himself? The very idea was laughable, that I was even his to claim territory over. I told him from the very beginning, I was no-ones.

Nauseatingly, his words and actions had the desired effect that he had intended upon, as I heard one of the men behind me chime in.

“Well, I guess you’re his then.”


	18. The Road Home

The hour was late when Negan returned to his room that night. The compound was quiet and very few men were stirring, and I was blissfully in the midst of a deep sleep, dreaming of Alexandria and my journey home the following day. It had only been a week away from my family, but that was one week too many and I missed them all deeply. I worried for everyone there, wondering what they were going through in this last week. How was everyone coping after Abraham? How were they managing with the now limited supplies and more demanding runs? Would I come back to the same number of people as when I left? A sickening thought, but I knew all too well that life these days can be fragile and fleeting. One wrong move on a trip out of the walls and someone might not be making it back to the comfort of their own home.

The next morning, I woke early as the warm sun crept through a small gap in the curtains and softly lit the room around me. For once, I jolted up out of bed with a smile on my face feeling excited for the day ahead. Negan stirred beside me beneath the sheets, before rubbing his hands over his eyes and face, rousing himself up a little.

“What the fuck are you doing up? It’s early,” he grumbled at me, but I refused to let him bring me down today. I had my eyes on the prize and was feeling uplifted and motivated.

“I’m just eager, that’s all,” I chirped back with a cheerful demeanour.

“Dare I fuckin’ ask for what?”

“Going back home, to Alexandria. It’s been a week…” I spoke a little cautiously now, he hadn’t forgotten had he? Although, he wasn’t the one hanging on to this one glimmer of hope for the last seven days.

Negan scoffed audibly, slumping back down into bed and turning on his side away from me. “Spare me the fuckin’ fairy tale ending, doll.”

And I did. I didn’t give a shit about whatever game he wanted to play today, what shitty mood he’d obviously make us all feel the wrath of, I only cared about the long drive home, walking through those gates and being welcomed home by those I love. With excitement still buzzing through my body, I sprang into action throwing on some nearby high waisted jeans and a light grey tank top, slipping on some socks and high ankle worn-down trainers. I gave a quick glance in the mirror as I washed my face, and pulled my hair up into a messy bun, pulling a few strands down by either side of my face. Usually I didn’t give so much thought to my appearance, it’s not like it made much difference anymore, but truth be told I wanted to look nice for when I first saw Daryl again.

I left the room giving no thought to Negan still lying there, and headed downstairs to the canteen with a spring in my step, actually smiling to some of the Saviours as I passed them in the halls. The room was full with the usual chatter from the men and few women that inhabited these grounds as they conversed over breakfast about whatever shit antics they’d be up to today. It wasn’t long before I’d wolfed down a small portion of beans and toast, and was pouring myself a hot cup of coffee – hopefully my last from this place. I skipped outside to my usual spot on a nearby bench and took a seat, observing everyone and everything around me. This would be the last time I sat here and stared up at those miserable metal fences caging me in here, longing to be outside in the real world. Soon enough I would be staring up at Alexandria’s metal fences, happy to see them and the familiar faces that are housed within them. More than anyone, I was desperate to see Daryl.

My cheerful and admittedly smug attitude came to a crashing halt and I felt as if my heart had stopped beating for a moment. Daryl. Guilt. I had betrayed him. Everything I’d done, everything Negan had done to me, he would never forgive me for that. And as much as I hated to admit it, Negan was right, I hadn’t said no, I hadn’t even tried to stop him. Worst of all, I really did enjoy it. How could I ever tell him? Perhaps I could just… _omit_ that little detail? I kept telling myself that all of that wasn’t personal, we made a deal – it was just business. _Ugh, how could I have been so stupid._ I’ll be lucky if he’s even happy to see me after our fight before I left. Surely he would’ve had enough time to cool off by now? My heart ached. I missed his tough exterior, knowing full well deep down he housed a protective, caring nature. I missed the way his long dark hair fell before his piercing eyes, the way they looked at me with an intensity. I missed the way the corners of his mouth would turn upwards just a little whenever I teased him. I missed him more than anything.

About an hour had passed by now, which I’d spent frivolously dawdling around the compound and briefly chatting with Nathan who was on his way to work. He said a brief goodbye and wished me luck back home, and said he hoped he’d see me again one day under better circumstances. An attempt at some sort of comforting words I assumed, even if the very idea did make me anxious. I’d been watching the large clock on one of walls incessantly, itching to leave this place for good, when finally, Negan burst through the doors of the building like a bull, heading straight to the loaded trucks by the gates and began booming orders at various men. I leapt from the bench and practically ran towards him, noticing him roll his eyes out of frustration as I approached.

“Alright, I get it. We’re going,” he said, before raising his voice and yelling out – “Dwight!” At his command, sure enough Dwight appeared within a few seconds by his side waiting for Negan’s next instruction. “Dwight’s gonna take you up to my room so you can get your shit, then we’ll go. Your knives are on the bed, hurry the fuck up.” He spoke very abruptly and dismissed us both immediately. _Who shit on his cornflakes?_ Whatever, I wasn’t exactly expecting a warm send off from this place. I turned towards the building behind us and made my way back through hallways and corridors up to the top floor for the last time, with Dwight keeping a close distance between the two of us.

“You coming back then?” Dwight spoke a little unexpectedly, but with his usual bitter tone.

“Nope. Not a fucking chance,” I replied, very firm with my answer.

“Ain’t so bad here. Negan seems to like you around, I think,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

By this point we had reached the door to Negan’s room, and with a cocky smile spread across my face, I turned my back on it to face Dwight. I saw in detail every wrinkle on his face caused by the gruesome burn that had been inflicted upon him. I saw his deceitful blue eyes and his dirty blonde hair tucked behind his ears. What did that woman ever see in this man?

“Shit Dwight, it almost sounds as if you’re tryna get me to stay. Why’s that I wonder?” The grin on my face spreader further, as I stepped closer to him revelling in the words that were about to leave my mouth. “Maybe it’s because the second I leave this place, he’ll be right back to fucking your girl Sherry.” Dwight’s face practically reddened with anger and I felt nothing but a smug arrogance, loving how my words had gotten under his skin.

In hindsight, perhaps I ought to have concealed just how smug I was feeling at this glorious moment, as in an instant, Dwight’s hand raised up high and I felt the back of it smack into my face with force. The blow knocked me a little, and I felt a heated, painful sensation spread in the area around my brow bone. I raised my fingers to my forehead and gazed upon them as they were met with blood. Instead of feeling fearful and full of regret, I felt nothing. I looked back at Dwight, still seething with rage and I laughed. Perhaps I had spent too much time with Negan. If I could’ve seen myself from an outsider’s perspective, I was practically behaving like an extension of him.

“You know what’s kinda funny about this whole thing, Dwight? Daryl told me about when he first met you. He was gonna bring you back to Alexandria with us. Maybe if you had, you’d still have her in your bed… instead of Negan’s.”

Dwight gritted his teeth, irritated by every word that left my mouth, before he returned to his usual miserable, bitter expression and spoke. “What, like the same way Daryl has you? Yeah… didn’t think so. Go get your fucking shit.”

His not so subtle dig brought me down from my high, and so I turned back to the doors behind me and entered Negan’s lavishly decorated room. I scanned the bed for my knives, right where he said they’d be, and tucked them into my belt without hesitation. The familiar feeling filled me with warmth for a moment, before I grabbed the crossbow laid by them and headed back out the door, refusing to make eye contact with Dwight.

His eyes scanned me as I passed him in the doorway, spotting the weapon in my hand causing him to scoff out loud. “Fucking knew it.” I’d forgotten all about that for a moment, the fact that I’d practically taken this out of his very hands. I’d all but confirmed it now. We walked back down the halls and stairwells and outside into the yard in silence, before he delivered me to Negan who was waiting impatiently in one of the trucks.

I pulled myself up into the seat beside him and laid down the crossbow beside me, before looking out onto the road before us, awaiting the start of our journey. Negan looked over to me with a puzzled expression, and for a second I had forgotten why.

“The fuck happened to your face?” he growled.

“I tripped.” A blatant lie, I’m sure he knew too, but he didn’t press me any further. Instead he started up the engine to the truck, and led the rest of the men behind us on the long road ahead to Alexandria. The journey felt like it lasted at least an extra five hours, not helped by the quiet tension between Negan and I as we remained silent in each other’s company, although in comparison to his earlier pissier mood, this was bliss. I spent the entire time twiddling with Daryl’s crossbow in my hands. I hoped at the very least that coming back with this would be some sort of consolation to him, that maybe it would be a gesture on my part to show just how much I really did care for him.

The journey was boring and uneventful, but some hours later the truck began slowing and the road before us became pleasantly recognisable. A little down the way was a warming sight. The gates to my home. We were approaching Alexandria and within minutes I’d see all the people I loved again. I felt a flood of emotions, everything from anxiety to excitement, but one thing was clear and it was just how much I had missed them all. How much I had missed _Daryl_. Everything I felt for him, it was overwhelming and consuming. The way he sacrificed himself for me, the countless times he risked his life to save my own, his best efforts to keep me safe… a true man that protected and loved me more than anybody else in this world. I couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around him and tell him how I truly felt about him once and for all.   


	19. A Warm Welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really wanted to release this chapter early for you guys since it was in pretty high demand on here and other sites I post on. I've got some busy shit going on these next few days so might be a week or so until the next chapter, but I post updates and stuff on tumblr if you guys wanna keep in the know (thewalkingdeadfanatic.tumblr.com) :) Hope you like this you wonderful things you xo

We were really here. Just a matter of feet away were Alexandria’s large, secure metal fences, built to keep the likes of these perilous men out and to keep a serene haven inside safe. I could hardly believe I’d lasted a week with those awful men and their formidable leader, but true to his word, I was brought home safe and _relatively_ unharmed. The moment I set my eyes upon those gates, I was overcome with an impatient longing to run inside and turn my back on these men forever. And so as soon as the rusty truck we rode in came to a rolling stop, I leapt from the seat out onto the pavement almost immediately, both excited and anxious as my heart pounded with every step forward. Once the trucks and motorcycles following us had also come to a stop, a tense and unnerving silence fell upon the area. It was almost as if nobody from Alexandria was home, and the area around it devoid of life. Either that or no one was eager to greet Negan with open arms, which I assumed applied to the majority of those who knew him.

Negan strode forward to the gates and gazed upon their uninviting status, running his hand over his face in an unimpressed manner and twirling Lucille upon his shoulder.

_So, if someone... knocks on your door... you let us in. We own that door. You try to stop us and we will knock it down._

“C’mon shitheads. Haven’t got all day.” Negan’s voice boomed out impatiently as he began banging Lucille slowly and menacingly against the barred gates before us, the noise rattling through the woods around us.

My feet buried into the ground as I waited anxiously, but it was only for a moment that my nerves ran wild, as I soon spotted a familiar face emerge atop the fence on one of the guard posts. Rosita, with her hair loosely tied back and her usual not-to-be-messed-with expression that she pulled off so well. She was scanning the men before her, no doubt looking to see if I had been returned safely, whilst cautiously gripping the gun in her hands. When her eyes fell down to me she allowed herself to grin with excitement, as did I, before she became undeniably giddy, shouting down to Eugene to hurry up and open the gates. She practically ran down from her post and darted through the gates as soon as a big enough gap appeared, almost knocking me to the ground as she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. I never wanted to let go, my sister and my best friend. Nothing could quite beat the feeling of joy and happiness that we found in each other’s company.

“God I’ve missed you,” I mumbled in her ear.

She eventually released her grip on me and smiled widely. “Ugh, I’ve missed you too. It’s been quiet without you here.” We both laughed as I nudged her arm a little.

“Yeah right, they didn’t get rid of you too did they?” I joked back, walking side by side with her past the gates and up the main road that ran through the village. Eugene was stood nearby but kept his distance once again, due to the uncomfortable amount of Saviours perusing the area. I saw Aaron and Spencer wave and smile from their porches as I passed by, but I was thrilled to see Rick just a little out of the way with his usual warm smile spread across his face, the kind that always comforted me, as he approached me with his arms outstretched and brought me in for a hug.

“Man, it’s nice to see you again, Y/N,” he said with a sigh of relief before releasing me. “You doing okay?” His face grimaced as he looked over me and spotted a lightly bruised temple and now fresh wound upon my brow.

“Yeah I’m fine, don’t worry about me. How is everyone? Everyone okay here?”

“They’ve been worried, about you of course. But yeah, we’re doing fine here. Everyone will be glad to see you home safe.”

Rick’s words calmed me and put me at ease instantly. It felt so refreshing to be around him, after the less than delightful company of Negan and his brash Saviours. He was an admiral man capable of reassuring people of safety in the unsafest of worlds. He was a leader, a fighter, a protector, but to me – he was a friend, he was family.  

As I chatted with him, as well as Michonne and Carl who soon appeared by his side all ecstatic to see me, Negan began shouting orders to his men behind us. He directed them into houses, into stock rooms and the infirmary. He gave them clear instructions to ‘turn the fucking houses upside down and find all the shit we were hiding.’ This wasn’t his first raid, and definitely wouldn’t be his last. After a few minutes of his commands filling the air, the commotion died down as the men moved out without hesitation, and instead of following them into buildings, Negan kept his presence just a few steps behind me. Was his intention to not so subtly eavesdrop, or was it to just make people even more uncomfortable? Whatever it was, I paid him no attention, as my eyes darted up to the house I lived in just off in the distance. Daryl had been sat on the steps of the porch smoking a cigarette, watching the men pour into the streets before him, before he rose to his feet and began storming down towards us. He looked pissed. He always looked pissed, but this time so much more so. I thought he might have smiled, or maybe even ran to me the moment he saw me, like the others, _you know, the ones who were actually happy to see me_? Instead, as he got closer and closer throwing his cigarette to the side, I swallowed my tongue dreading what he would have to say, gripping the crossbow in my hands so tightly now my fingertips hurt from pressing into the hard metal.

He stood tall and serious before me for a moment, looking me up and down, with the occasional glance towards Negan. He didn’t hug me like the others did and admittedly there was a little tension between us, which I guessed was to be expected after the way we left things. Instead I just looked back to him and tried my best to hide a smile that was fighting its way onto my face. I was relieved to see he was looking much better now – clearly the medication had worked. He was much steadier on his feet than before and his complexion was brighter and full of life. His arm was even free from a sling, with only a small bandage wrapped around his shoulder now.

“Ya hurt?” he questioned with his husky voice, as he gestured with his hand to where the cut lay on my face. I’d forgotten about that husky voice of his.

“No. No I’m fine, really.” I tried to reassure him with a small smile but he made no attempts to reciprocate. Instead, any look of concern he expressed on his face abruptly reverted back to anger and confusion, as his eyes fell low and spotted his crossbow in my hands.

Daryl’s voice raised this time, angry and in disbelief. “The fuck’s this? Why you got that?!”

“I..”

But really, I never stood a chance. Whatever bullshit way I was going to spin this, whatever way I would somehow placate him, however I was possibly going to make this right… I didn’t even get a chance to get two measly words out before Negan’s presence dominated the space before me as he pushed his way past, and stood beside Daryl and I. I can only imagine the look upon my face was something of desperation and horror as I saw this moment I had longed for about to go horribly wrong.

“Awh man, I fuckin’ love this story. Can I tell it?” Negan had the biggest, shit-eating, maniacal grin on his face ever, as he spoke up and looked between us both practically radiating with glee.

Panic spread throughout my body, I felt shaky and frantic and desperate. I threw myself forward and grabbed his arm, looking hopelessly into his eyes. “Please Negan…“ I pleaded, but he set me back as he whipped Lucille down from his shoulders and pointed it in my face, drawing his fingers to his mouth and making a silencing gesture. I stood frozen as I looked between Negan who had begun to chuckle and laugh out loud to himself, to Daryl who looked confused and unimpressed, waiting on his every word.

“Your girl here…” he began addressing Daryl.

_Fuck, no. Shit, shit shit shit. This is not happening. This is not fucking happening!_

“Negan!”

“She has good intentions; I’ll give her that. Yeah, she’s definitely one of the good’ns aint she.” He paused as he turned to face me, with a devilish grin and his big eyes gleaming with delight.

“She comes over to me, soaking through her little panties no doubt as she bats her sweet fuckin’ eyelashes, and she looks up at me all doe eyed, ‘Pretty please Negan, will you get me that crossbow? Will you get it for me please? We can make a deal.’” His smile was spread wide across his face as he turned between the two of us as he mimicked me, before turning back to Daryl who was looking pissed as ever gritting his teeth, as Negan leaned in close to him this time.

“Negan please! Don’t do this!” I begged him, pleaded with him as tears began to fall from my heavy eyes – anything to get him to stop, but he just kept talking.

“’I’ll do anything’ she says to me. Man, _anything_. You know how fuckin’ tempting that shit was for me. Well… I could not fuckin’ resist such an offer. Tell you something, I had no idea she had it fuckin’ in her. It’s always the good girls though, ain’t it? Yeah, she worked _real_ hard to earn that back for you. The things she did. The things _we_ did. That girl has a real fuckin’ talent with that tongue of hers. But you know, right?” Negan winked, and patted Daryl on the shoulder as he laughed to himself and sauntered off behind him in the direction of his men. The damage was done, and he must be so fucking happy with himself right now I thought. He just loved to rip people to shreds, to cause chaos and pain for anyone he could, all for his own fucking amusement.

I felt numb and lost for words. All I could do was stare into Daryl’s eyes, he looked beyond hurt – like I had never seen before. I’d seen people walk out on him and leave him, I’d seen him lose loved ones, I’d seen him defeated, but I had never seen him like this. Tears flooded my face and I struggled to find the words, any words that might somehow fix this mess. This stupid fucking mess that I had created.

“Daryl, I…” but it was no use, as he turned his back on me the second I spoke and stormed off back to the house. I chased after him overcome with desperation and regret, clutching at his sleeves as I begged him to stop for a moment and listen to me.

“I had to Daryl, I’m sorry. Dwight had it and I couldn’t stand to see him with it. It belongs with you, I had to get it back for you. I had to do something to show you… I didn’t want to; it was just…”  _It was just what, exactly?_ I didn’t even know myself.

He snapped. He snatched his arm away from me almost pulling me forward, sickened and infuriated by every one of my words. “I don’t give a shit, whatever bullshit excuse you got. Fuckin’ told ya didn’t I, don’t want nothin’ from you an’ I definitely don’t want nothin’ from him.” He shouted down at me, pointing his finger at me aggressively as he spoke.  

“Daryl I got this to make it up to you for leaving in the first place. I did it because I care about you and I…”

“Yeah well I don’t want it,” he yelled back as he brashly grabbed the weapon from my hand and carelessly threw it aside onto a nearby patch of grass. “I didn’t fuckin’ ask ya for it, didn’t ask ya to do that. Ya have fun crawlin’ into fuckin’ bed with him? Like a fuckin’ whore?”

“Hey! I…” As he grew angrier, his words became spiteful and nasty. He was hurt and lashing out, but calling me that? _Fuckin’ whore?_ We’d fought before like cat and dog but he’d never called me names. He’d have killed anyone who dared to call me that; but I guess that was before. And just as I thought he wasn’t capable of spilling anything worse from his mouth, he delivered one last blow to really hit home. 

“Real nice, Y/N! That prick, he fuckin’ _murders_ one of us in front of our fuckin’ eyes and you drop your fuckin’ pants before Abraham hits the fuckin’ ground.”

I stood before him in shock, unable to move, speechless and in disbelief at the poisonous words that leaked from his lips. Did he actually just say that?! My stomach dropped, like the heavy anchor of a ship suddenly hitting the ocean floor. I wanted to crumble to my knees at his words – nothing cut deeper. I couldn’t believe he’d ‘welcomed’ me back like this. I didn’t expect us to romantically run to each other in slow motion before meeting each other in a sweet embrace – but this? _Fucking hell. How dare he?!_

“God you’re a fucking prick, you know that?” I said, as I repeatedly shoved his chest away from me in anger, distraught by what he’d said as tears continued to stream down my face.  

“Yeah, that’s more like it. ‘Cause you one a’ them now ain’t cha. What the fuck you even doin’ back here, Y/N? What, you think we fuckin’ wanted you back here? We don’t fuckin need you here no more. Go on, fuck off. Go back with ya fuckin’ boyfriend. Ya dumb fuckin’ bitch, back where ya fuckin’ belong.” He stopped yelling, his face pulsing and red with absolute rage, before turning his back on me again and storming off for good this time.

“Screw you Dixon you fucking asshole!” I yelled out to him as he reached the door to our house ready to enter it, but not before flipping me off with his middle finger as he disappeared behind closed doors. I wiped away the last of my tears and felt how sore my face now felt from them. It was always a rule of mine, not to cry. There’s always something to do, someone to protect or some way to be helpful. _You don’t get to cry anymore, Y/N._ At least that’s what I had told myself, but Daryl had a way to get through all that, a way to break down my walls and turn my life upside down. A way of making me look like a weak fucking idiot.

I stared for a moment at the closed door Daryl had just enthusiastically slammed before me, becoming more and more irate as everything I wish I’d said or done differently rushed through my head. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream and call him an endless list of less than flattering names for the vile words that left his mouth. I wanted to punch him or hurt him for this, just as he had hurt me. I spun on my heels and turned away from the row of houses, in the direction of the others standing a little way down the road. Rick and Michonne swapped uncomfortable glances having heard everything, whilst Rosita stood with pursed lips and an agitated look on her face after no doubt uncomfortable with Daryl’s slurs. A little behind them Carl stood with young Judith in his arms, who had begun to softly whine, and to the side of him stood Negan again, watching me with a slight smile as I stormed towards them. _What the fuck was he looking at, prick._

They all drew closer as I approached the few of them, all but Negan, expecting me to stop before them in need of consoling, but I had seen red and anger was clouding my judgment. Furiously, I paced right through them and headed straight to the trucks by the gates that Saviours were now finishing loading up. If Daryl really thought that I was just one of Negan’s _whores_ now, then what the fuck was I doing back here? I’d fucking show him who needs who around here.

“What’s she doing?” I heard Carl naively mumble in the distance. I wasn’t even sure myself – how on earth could this be a good idea? Rick soon came to realise my intentions and he chased after me in a panic, yelling my name before he caught up and paced alongside me, with Rosita following a short way behind.

“Y/N. You’re going back there?! No, don’t do this. You just got here.” He pleaded with me, putting his arms before me desperately trying to get me to reconsider, but I continued to march forward. “He’s just mad, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’ll calm down. Just… let me talk to him. We can fix this, we’ll work this out. It’ll be okay.”

“Thanks Rick, but right now I don’t wanna be anywhere near that asshole any more than he wants to be anywhere near me,” I said dismissive of his pleas, as I reached the dirty black truck I had arrived in, opened up the door and hoisted myself up into the passenger seat once again, slamming the door behind me furiously. “He’s gotten what he fucking wanted.”

Rick turned back to Rosita with an exasperated sigh, raising his hands in a gesture for her to do something, to persuade me otherwise from the stupid fucking decision I was making. She looked up at me through the window of the truck and shook her head, infuriated by what Daryl had caused me to do. She knew me well enough by this point that I had no intention of removing myself from the truck. I was stubborn, not unlike Daryl, and once my mind was made up, that was it. She didn’t try to bargain with me or plead like Rick had, she just gave me a slight nod and turned her back on us, storming away towards the houses.

“Ugh. Fucking asshole, I swear to fucking god…” I heard her mutter as she strode away, ready to give Daryl an earful. I ‘d hate to be on the receiving end of Rosita’s wrath. She had a fiery temper that knew no limits, especially when someone she loved was involved. Whatever she had in store for him, he fucking deserved.

Still stood a little way up the road with the others, Negan chuckled to himself with amusement as he perched Lucille back atop his broad shoulders and made his way back to the vehicles and his men, ready to leave, not before stopping by Rick’s side to offer a smug, departing comment. “Well, I’d love to stay and do this some more, but I got shit to do. So, same time next week I guess.”

“Negan no, c’mon. This wasn’t part of the deal.” Rick tried to reason with him but his attempts were useless as he was met with Negan laughing and shaking his head, immediately dismissing his pleas.

“You see me beat her and shove her in that truck, Rick? You see me point a fuckin’ gun, or better yet my girl Lucille, to her fuckin’ head? See, you should know that I’m a man of my word. She came back to her people, just like I fuckin’ promised, and one of your guys – fucked it up! And whilst I can’t exactly deny how thrilled I am about that prospect, I didn’t even ask for this shit. Oh, and before I fucking forget - I’ll remind you not to fuckin’ overstep your mark like this again. Especially when that girl is in my care. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to her now, would you?”

“Same time, next week.”


	20. Stand-Off

_Fuckin’ whore._

_He fuckin’ murders one of us…_

With my lips pursed tightly and my jaw clenched, I stared bitterly down the long road before us, as I heard the loud clashing of gates slamming shut behind us. Everything I had hoped for, everything I had longed for in this past week, it was all for nothing. You can’t rely on people anymore, so why the fuck did I? Why the fuck was I so dependent on that one man, who cut me to shreds so easily and walked away from me as if I was nothing.

_You drop your fuckin’ pants before Abraham hits the fuckin’ ground…_

Daryl’s revolting words reeled off in my head again and again, only fuelling the resentment that was all too consuming. I tried numerous times to shake the thoughts from my head, distracting myself with road signs and anything even remotely notable that we passed, but such fine details had become so unimportant these days that I pretty much skimmed by them unknowingly. The silent tension between Negan and I didn’t help, although I was sure if one word did happen to slip from his mouth then I might find my hands wrapped tightly around his neck. He sat beside me with one hand on the wheel and the other shifting between the gears and his lap, grinning away to himself as he glanced over in my direction every minute or so. How I would love to wipe that smirk from his face.

“You okay, sweetie?” He said in his usual condescending manner, as one of his rough hands found its way over onto my thigh. As soon as I felt his warm yet disgusting touch on my leg, I instinctively slapped my own hand down and smacked it away violently.

“Fuck off. Don’t fucking touch me.” I snapped at him with ferocity. An interesting choice of words that would’ve usually angered him and inspired either some heinous punishment or scolding at the very least, but I was far too irritable to think clearly before speaking. Despite my outburst, Negan responded only by raising an eyebrow in my direction, before letting out an amused chuckle to himself. As if he couldn’t irritate me any further.

“Why’d you do it? Why’d you fucking tell him Negan? You didn’t have to do that.” I spoke through gritted teeth, staring out into the road ahead avoiding his gaze.

“Sorry doll, couldn’t fuckin’ help myself. That shit was pretty fun.”

Oh, it appeared he _could_ irritate me further, as I began mumbling to myself out of anger from his words. _Of course it was funny. Fucking hilarious even. What an asshole._

“What’s that?” _Woops_ …

“I said you’re a fucking asshole.”

Perhaps I had succeeded in pissing him off this time. Instead of retorting with a usual witty, loathsome remark, his hands were both placed on the leather steering wheel before him as he gripped it tightly. Thankfully, the next five minutes or so in the truck fell silent, and in my head I recalled the scene in Alexandria repeatedly. Daryl’s piercing eyes and his face scrunched up with anger. Rick’s undeniable desperation. Rosita’s fiery persona. A part of me actually felt bad for leaving, not for Daryl’s sake – he could go to hell, but for the others. They’d done nothing wrong. They were actually pleased to see me and tried to help when things turned bad. I should’ve stayed, contributed and provided for the group.

Both my thoughts and the quiet air between us were disturbed only a moment later as Negan cleared his throat and spoke with a gruff voice. “Man. That fucker really likes you doesn’t he? Either that or he _really_ fuckin’ hates you.”

_Is he seriously going to try talk to me about this?_

“Likes me, yeah sure. Which part gave it away, the ‘fucking whore’ bit or the ‘fuck off, I don’t want you here’ bit?” I snapped back at him, as he smiled towards me with amusement. He paused for a moment before opting for a change of subject.

“You mind telling me why you’re in my fuckin’ truck right now, doll? I mean, I’m not usually one to complain, but I wasn’t exactly expecting any more of our fuckin’ sleepovers.”

“I didn’t see much point staying there,” I said unsurely as I turned to face him, but as soon as our eyes met, he turned his face to the road and an ominous, brooding expression consumed his face. Clearly he was pissed. Great. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I hadn’t asked to go back with Negan or been invited by him either.

“Pull over,” I demanded. I didn’t want to spend a moment longer in his presence if all that lay ahead was a week of misery and hell. To my surprise Negan slowed the vehicle down and swerved it gently to the side of the road, prompting the rest of his men to pull up a short distance behind us. As soon as the truck came to a stop, I lifted myself from the seats and out onto the roadside, slamming the heavy door behind me and storming off across the nearby field.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Negan yelled out from the distance as he followed me.

“What does it look like, leaving.”

“You wanna try your luck out there against a dead fuckin’ army than with me?”

He had a point, but I continued marching forward, stubborn and defiant as always. Two of my many flaws. “Yeah, maybe. I’ll take my chances,” I shouted back. Negan soon quickened his strides, almost breaking into a run and barged his way in front of me, looking displeased to say the least, after having to chase after me. Once again, he didn’t hesitate to swing Lucille down from his shoulders and thrusting her repeatedly towards my face, causing my feet to stumble and come to an abrupt stop.

He took a few menacing steps forward until he was standing almost too close, peering down at me in the most intimidating manner. “Get back in the fucking truck. You said you were coming with me, so you’re coming with me. I’m not having that dark and moody archer back there come after my fuckin’ head when I go back next week without you.”

I glared at him and he glared back, as I dug my heels further into the ground and kept my lips tightly shut. What was I thinking? What exactly possessed me to have a stand-off with Negan, in the middle of nowhere? He wasn’t exactly a patient and forgiving man, no doubt I would pay for this later. Or perhaps I would pay for it right now, I thought, as he lessened the distance between us even more and positioned Lucille beneath my chin, using her tip to tilt my head upwards meeting his stare. I felt the cold, sharp metal sting my skin as he pressed it in to my flesh just enough for me to feel it, but not enough to draw blood.

“Do not, fucking test me, doll. I asked nicely once, I’m not gonna ask nicely again. Get, in the, god damn, fucking truck.” He looked down at me with a spine-chilling intensity as commanded, asserting his fearsome dominance.

“ _Fuck you_.”

Negan’s eyes practically glistened now, as he let out an arrogant laugh loud enough to be heard by his men all the way back at the roadside. Was my hatred and defiance towards him really that amusing? Clearly not very, as the smirk washed away from his face as soon as it had appeared, and he lurched forward placing a tight grip on my forearm, fingers digging painfully deep into my skin, before dragging me back in the direction of the truck, as if I were some tantruming toddler in need of a time out. I yanked at his hand and tried desperately to prize his fingers from me, pushing myself from him and struggling under his hold, but he barely even flinched as I kicked and screamed my way back with him.

As soon as our feet hit the pavement, his other arm extended out for the truck’s handle, opened the door and threw me haphazardly across the seats inside, before climbing in himself. I shuffled as far away from him as possible and proceeded to sit in deafening silence, huffing to myself like a petty teenager as I stared out the window for the rest of the journey, back to the _beloved_ Sanctuary.

Perhaps this wasn’t the smartest of ideas.


	21. Tell Her, Daryl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little note - There's a tiny little remark in here by Rosita - hijo de puta, which as far as I'm aware means son of a bitch/motherfucker. She's used the term before in the series in the same way and I tried to incorporate here, so here's hoping I've used it correctly. Enjoy xo

A thick cloud of tension lay over Alexandria that afternoon, as the rest of its inhabitants were left astonished and swarmed with conflicting emotions after Y/N’s departure. They lingered in the streets in stunned silence as the trucks rolled out of their guarded gates and any trace of Negan and his men ever being here slowly diminished. One clear noise sure to break the silence however, was the quick thud of Rosita’s khaki boots as she stormed with haste up towards to houses, hunting out Daryl like he was her prey, ready to rain down hell on him for the events that his words had inevitably led to. Once she reached the porch of the house he and Y/N shared, without hesitation she rapped on the door loudly with her fist, unrelenting and driven by fury.

“Daryl!” She yelled out as she continued to knock hard on the surface before her. “Daryl you _hijo de puta_ , get out here!” Rosita’s colourful Spanish tongue always slipped out when she was riled up. Just as the words left her mouth, the door before her flung open and Daryl stood tall in the doorway and he looked down at her, irritated by her very presence before him.

“Lay off, Rosita,” he grunted.

“What the fuck were you thinking? Is this what you wanted? Are you happy now?”

“The hell you talkin’ ‘bout?”  

“Y/N. She’s gone back with him, with Negan and those assholes ‘cause you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.”

In an instant, alarm spread throughout his body and his face turned a sickly white. He barged past Rosita in the doorway, knocking her to the side before he looked out into the village towards the gates, hoping more than anything that there would still be unwelcome men loitering around and trucks littering the entrance, and somewhere amongst them, Y/N would still be there. But Alexandria was much emptier than he had hoped and overcome with an eerie silence – Y/N was gone again. He was too late.

Daryl shifted uncomfortably on the spot for a moment, as he processed the consequences of his actions. He was torn between anger, sadness and betrayal, wanting nothing more than to shut out this cruel world and everyone in it that inevitably came to hurt him. He knew of only one way to handle things when life got this ‘difficult.’ Daryl once again stormed into the house past Rosita, who stood with her arms folded and an eyebrow raised as she watched him move about erratically. He quickly grabbed his weathered jacket slung over one of the kitchen chairs, and rummaged through some drawers in the living area, spilling the contents of them and slamming them shut until he had gathered a handful of hand crafted wooden bolts. He then stormed outside into the street, moving towards a spot of dirt close to the lake and he reached down, grabbing his once beloved crossbow that he had so angrily slung down into the earth, before he headed down towards the gates of Alexandria and disappeared behind them. 

Carl stood nearby, watching Daryl intently as he cradled Judith in his arms, whose chubby little hands grasped playfully onto the hat atop his head as she giggled. He motioned to his father and Michonne who stood alongside him, both with looks of deep concern upon their faces, having witnessed Daryl storm off in some sort of vengeful rage.

“Shouldn’t one of us go after him?” Carl questioned as he looked up to his father.

“I don’t know if we should get in the middle of all that. You saw Daryl’s face just then. We’ll be lucky if he doesn’t come back covered in blood,” Michonne replied, shrugging uncertainly. Rick ran his hand over his coarse greying beard, with one hand on his hip and his feet fidgeting as he processed what do next.

“I’ll go. I’ve gotta do something.” He nodded to the others, as he contemplated the dangers that lay behind their walls, allowing his hand to lower and graze his gun tucked beneath his belt, as well as the red-handled machete by his side.

Meanwhile, Daryl was busy pushing his way behind branch after branch within the wooded area around Alexandria, with the sound of his own irate breaths masking the shuffle of leaves at his feet. He trudged forward with one heavy step following another, giving no attention to his surroundings, until he heard an unnerving groan in the distance which stopped him in his tracks and prompted him to raise his crossbow up to eye level. This is what he came for. This is what he was good at. As he darted amongst the trees, guided by the distressed grumbles before him, he spotted a figure moving aimlessly throughout the trees. As the lifeless being came into focus, Daryl noticed it’s long, tattered hair and gangly body resembling a woman’s figure. Its skin was murky with a layer of grime and dirt across it, with blood smeared across its chest around a gaping, rotting bite wound on its shoulder. This one seemed to have decayed less than others he had come across, perhaps she had turned only recently, he thought. If someone had lasted this long, they were probably a valuable asset and had not such an unfortunate fate befallen upon the being, Daryl might have scouted her back to Alexandria with him. Or perhaps she might’ve worked for Negan, perhaps she was one of his wives or spies, perhaps she even killed and tortured for him. As the invading thoughts filled his mind and his face felt hot with rage, he involuntarily gritted his teeth and pulled the trigger on his crossbow, feeling the sharp release of a bolt fly through the air and pierce the corpse’s softened skull. It fell to the dry earth with a thud in an instant, and Daryl stood up straight releasing tension from his shoulders as he gazed down at the now still body before him.

“Nice shot.” Daryl flung himself round to the voice that echoed from behind, loading another bolt into his crossbow as he did, until he noticed the figure that had been following him was in fact Rick. He lowered the weapon to his side and rolled his eyes, before turning back to walk away from him.

“What ya doing here, Rick?” Daryl asked hoarsely, knowing very well the answer to his question.

“Came to talk about what happened, back in Alexandria.”

“Ya heard that, huh?”

“Yeah, well, you guys weren’t exactly discreet about it.” Rick stood firm, with a tired expression on his face as he spoke in a toneless manner to his brother. He tried his best to conceal his dissatisfaction and above all annoyance with Daryl, but it was proving difficult given the current stresses of leadership and the strain on resources now hindered by Y/N’s absence.

“Go home. Don’t wanna talk ‘bout it,” Daryl replied dismissively.  

“Yeah I know, but we’re gonna. Looks like things got heated back there. A lot of things got said that shouldn’t have. I get it. But you messed up Daryl and we gotta set things straight.”

Daryl turned towards Rick, blood boiling as he felt himself becoming defences over Rick’s attack. “Me? The hell did I do?!” he snapped back with his voice raised and his arms gesturing violently. “What about her?! She’s the one sleepin’ with the damn enemy here. I didn’t do shit!”

“No, you didn’t. You just called her every god damn name under the sun, called her worse than shit. And you even threw her friend’s death in her face! C’mon Daryl, you know better than that.” Rick argued back, before stopping a moment to catch his breath as he ran his fingers over his face. “You just gave that guy exactly what he wanted. You drove Y/N right into his god damn arms. Hell I can’t even say I blame her after what she came back to.”

“What?! Bitch deserved it after what she did. And don’t go actin’ like she didn’t have a choice in all this, she didn’t have t’ walk out those damn gates but she did.”

“Yeah and who made her feel like that was even an option? Daryl, you told her she wasn’t wanted here. She chose them over her family, and that’s on you. What she did – yeah, I’m not saying that was exactly smart, but she ain’t thinking straight, neither of you are. In her head, she had an agenda… a motive to get what she wanted, and she did. And what she got wasn’t for Alexandria, it wasn’t for herself, it was for you. You and I both know why she did that.”

Rick and Daryl stood close to one another amongst the trees, chests heaving from their screams and yells toward one another as they both fell silent, taken aback by the intensity of their argument. Rick was right, and Daryl knew it. His eyes fell to the floor as he thought about Y/N and felt the weight of his actions on his shoulders. What would she be doing right now? Was she safe? Would she ever come back to him?

“Didn’t ask her to do that,” Daryl muttered in a softer tone, glancing up at Rick almost apologetically.

“I know, but she did anyway,” Rick nodded towards him and spoke a little gentler now, as they both began slowly walking side by side back in the direction of Alexandria. “You’re my brother Daryl, and I would never tell you what to do or how to handle your business, but now you gotta listen to me. You gotta figure all of this out, and you better hope to God that she makes it another week with them. She got lucky once, she might not get so lucky again.”

Daryl squinted past the long hair that partially covered his face, offering just a slight nod as his eyes filled with sorrow and a sombre expression consumed his face at the thought of losing her. In an attempt to distract himself, he reached into his deep pockets and pulled out a cigarette, fumbling with a lighter until it caught fire, before drawing it to his lips and finally letting out a sigh of relief.

“When she gets back, you better tell her what’s going on here, before it’s too late. We can’t have you both like this, at each other’s throats, screaming at each other in the middle of the street. You and her, you’re our two best hunters and you’re both damn good fighters too. You’re a team, you’re good together. We need you both here. And you need each other.”

“Pfft. Don’t matter anymore. Ain’t no way she’s gonna come back now, and even if she does she sure as hell ain’t gonna talk to me,” Daryl huffed out loud.

“She will,” Rick reassured him, as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Just give her time. Maybe lay off the name calling this time.”

Both men scoffed and shared a laugh amongst themselves as Rick jested, and they strode forward towards Alexandria’s tall gates. Before entering, Rick turned to Daryl one last time and spoke with a stern, commanding tone.

“I mean it Daryl. You gotta do something about this. You gotta say something to her.”

“Mhm.”


	22. Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter has taken so long. I was really late in starting it and then rewrote it about ten times! I'm self employed and have a lot of clients at the moment which is totally time consuming so chapters are taking a little longer at the moment, but I'm glad you're all invested in the fic and have stuck it out this long! As always, thank you so much for the feedback and comments, it makes the world of difference and I read your comments about fifteen times each! Love you guys and I hope you like this chapter (it's a tad long....) xo

As soon as I set foot onto Saviour territory that night, my feet guided me in a defeated rage through the narrow grey corridors of the compound and up to the top floor, slamming doors behind me and enclosing myself in Negan’s quarters. Negan had manhandled me like a bratty teenager back into his truck in a less than dignified manner and I was furious. I paced the room repeatedly as I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists, mentally battling with myself over the day’s events. It was hard to decipher amongst all the ranting and rambling going on in my head who I was actually angriest with. Had Daryl shown his true colours and let slip what he _really_ thought of me? How could he be so spiteful and cruel? How much I cared for him, how I’d come to love him and thought somehow, he might feel the same… how could I have been so fucking deluded? And Negan, a class A fucking asshole incapable of keeping his mouth shut and mustering up one tiny little shred of decency deep within him. How could I have been so fucking stupid to have come back here with him? I scoffed aloud to myself -  perhaps I ought to re-evaluate the men I choose to surround myself with. Eventually my thoughts dwindled away and my feet grew tired from endless wandering around the room and I was able to retire myself to the bed, with its comforting padded mattress and thick, luxurious sheets inviting me into a deep sleep almost instantly.

As the sun rose the next morning signally the start of a new day, I was suddenly awakened by a loud thud and battering noise within the room, causing me to gasp a little as I jumped upright from where I lay. As I rubbed my eyes into focus I was met with Negan’s unfortunate presence dominating the room as he slammed cupboard doors and rummaged carelessly around the nearby drawers of clothes as he readied himself for the day. Any chance I had of avoiding interaction with him that day was soon squashed, the moment he glanced towards me and allowed the corners of his mouth to turn up ever so slightly in their usual sickening manner.

“Mornin’ darlin,” he said gruffly, pausing a moment for a response, but I offered him none and simply folded my arms before me, rolling my eyes as he spoke. “What, you ain’t gonna talk to me now sweetie? I suggest you fuckin’ rectify that shit right now.”

“Unlike _you_ ¸ I have nothing to say,” I responded with cold sarcasm, still pissed about his little outburst back in Alexandria. Of course my blatant discontent with him was disregarded as he simply chucked to himself with amusement.

“You still hung up on that shit?” My lips remained tightly shut as I refused to engage him, although the thoughts in my head were currently in overdrive. _That shit?_ As If it was nothing to me, as if his words hadn’t had such poisonous intent to drive a wedge between me and Daryl for his own pathetic entertainment. But realistically, what was I expecting? A parting letter as I left this place; _Dear Y/N, thanks for the great time we had, have a nice life?_ Of course something would go down the second Negan got anywhere near Daryl. How could he resist, Negan lives for that shit, he thrives on it.

“You getting up?” he said as he motioned to me still beneath the sheets.

“Nope.”

“The fuck do you mean, _nope?_ Go get some food or coffee or shit.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said sharply shutting him down. Negan was clearly becoming irritated with my noncompliance, as I saw his jaw cock to the side and his fingers grip onto the edge of the desk he now stood by. His eyes were fixated on mine in the most assertive and menacing manner, as he took a few steps forward and stopped just before me.

“Ah, I see. So this is your fuckin’ game today then, is it? You’re gonna hole your pretty ass up here all fuckin’ day on some pathetic little hunger strike, all to spite me, is that it?”

“Pretty much.”

“Well, sorry to burst your fuckin’ bubble darlin, but here’s the thing. I don’t care enough about you to stop this little self-righteous war path you’re on, so you can go right ahead and fucking starve yourself to death, that shit doesn’t affect me one fucking bit. Just make sure that when you feel yourself finally start to turn into one of those dead fuckers that you love so much to sink your knives into, that you very fuckin’ respectfully take that shit outside.”

“Great. Will do.” My bitterness was poorly concealed in my short, sharp responses and Negan inevitably grew frustrated that his fearsome demeanour appeared to have so little effect on me. Truth is, I was always a little afraid of him. Afraid of what was going on in his mind, and what he was capable of doing, but I’d be damned if I let him know that. His face turned sour and disgruntled, before he hastily turned away from me to grab his usual leather jacket and Lucille, before slamming the large doors to the hallway behind him and disappearing behind them. Finally, I was met with a comforting silence as I was left to my own devices for the day.

For the first hour or so of the day, I chose to spend my time reading comfortably in bed with one of the books that had been haphazardly thrown onto Negan’s bookshelves. My fingers lightly traced the spines of various hardback books, skimming the titles of various classics, even coming across a few _surprising_ titles. Of all the books I would expect to find stowed away in Negan’s private collection, Little Women was not one of them. The idea of him up into the early hours of the morning, so engrossed in every page of this book was enough to leave a lasting smile upon my face. I made a mental reminder to quiz him about that later, or even tease him about it if I dared to. Eventually I settled on a book titled The Woman in White and retired to the sheets, but as much as I tried, I struggled to lose myself in the pages before me. Instead, I returned to the shelves housing the many books and placed it amongst them, before shifting them around and attempting to organise them in some way. I was desperate to keep myself busy if I was to be alone for the whole day and I supposed this would kill some time, although I didn’t exactly relish doing Negan any favours right now. Perhaps this small act would be to his detriment, he obviously much preferred living amongst this organised chaos and would no doubt have something to say about it.

A little while later, after I’d finished the task of composing Negan’s library and just after I’d just dressed myself with a pair of dark leggings and a long, distressed grey shirt, I heard a set of alarming heavy footsteps growing louder down the hallway leading to the very room I hid away in. Immediately I thought of Dwight’s unwelcome presence entering the room, sent on Negan’s orders to drag me kicking and screaming from the room after our little spat that morning. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d sent one of his _dogs_ to do his work. But to my surprise, it was Negan that had returned booming through the doors and making very little eye contact, with a tray of food in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. He settled down the tray and bottle on the large dining table situated in the corner of his quarters before walking off to his desk and rummaging amongst the many papers that littered it. I couldn’t believe my eyes, had he actually delivered food to me, after all of that this morning?

“Eat,” he commanded, in his usual assertive manner.

“I thought you didn’t care enough to stop me from starving to death. Besides, I told you I’m not hungry.”

“And I told you who the fucking fuck was in charge around here, didn’t I? I sure as shit don’t remember saying your fucking name, so when I fucking tell you to do something, you do it.” His tone had grown irate and impatient as I challenged him, but as he grew quiet again he let out a sigh and I was able to hear him grumble between gritted teeth. “Eat. Please.”

For a second I doubted I’d heard him correctly, and felt slightly dumfounded that the word please would ever escape Negan’s foul mouth, whose favourite words seemed to be along the lines of _fuckety fuck_ and _shit_. Perhaps he’d just caught me off guard or more likely it was due to the low grumble in the pit of my stomach that was growing stronger and stronger, but I soon found myself unwilling to fight him anymore and wanting nothing more than to consume the tempting dish he had laid down before me. 

“Fine. Suppose I shouldn’t give you the satisfaction of dying within your care.” He scoffed with derision from the other side of the room and he glanced in my direction once or twice, as I tucked into the plate of stew and vegetables that was becoming cooler and cooler every second that it spent not being digested. It wasn’t much, but it was a god damn delicacy in this day and age. An uncomfortable silence fell amongst us both until I had cleared the plate and shifted my eyes up towards him again.

“So, another supply run today?”

“Nope, not today doll. Gotta stick around this place today, show my face every now and then. People gotta know who’s running this fuckin’ place,” he grumbled back at me as he rose from his seat and walked over to where I had been eating, motioning towards the dirty plate. “Done?” I nodded and barely got to confirm my answer before he’d lifted it away and made his way towards the door.

“Thanks,” I said hurriedly, before he disappeared from sight once again.

Two hours passed of Negan showing no sign of returning, and I found myself dawdling around the room and resting myself on one of the thick window ledge, feeling nothing but sheer boredom as I stared out to the yard below me. A laughable thought – boredom. As Beth once so rightly said, if you’re safe enough to be bored, you’re lucky. From this height I could see clearly the open space around the compound and its main entrance, heaving with men bustling in and out, going about their daily duties. Some carried vast amounts of weapons into vehicles, before gearing up themselves and disappearing out of the gates and into the distance. Others took on much more menial tasks, attending to the grounds ensuring their cleanliness and upkeep. I even watched as the same men returned to the compound, met with mighty cheers at the sight of their blood stained clothing and weapons covered in torn up flesh, unclear if they’d been fighting the living or the dead. _How had I ended up back here?_ These men were barbaric. I could’ve been living comfortably and a hell of a lot more freely back in Alexandria, had I just taken one minute to stop and think. And yet here I was again, trapped here like a prisoner, exchanging many an uncomfortable interaction with the enemy. What about Daryl? No doubt he was probably still spouting all the vile words he could muster up about me and making everybody’s life a living hell right now. I still couldn’t shake it – why he said what he did. What I did, it hurt him bad, I get it… but there is nothing he could do or say that would cause me to attack him like that. Every word haunted me and I saw no foreseeable end to the torment going on in my head.

It wasn’t until the smell of dinner wafting throughout the building caught my attention that I allowed myself to be distracted from my thoughts. Like the most vivid bout of de ja vú I’d ever experienced, I once again heard those same heavy footsteps pounding towards the room and through the wooden double doors, Negan appeared with an amused grin upon his face. _Surely not?_ I thought, as I glanced upon his figure as he entered the room, this time carrying two plates in his hands. He made no attempt to call my name, or even speak for that matter, but instead whistled in my direction and nudged his head in the direction of his dining table where he placed the meals down opposite one another. He took a seat before one of them and began shovelling food into his mouth as I sat myself down at the same table. This evening they’d served pasta with a few vegetables thrown in, along with a peppered sauce to mask the otherwise bland dish.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a waiter before all of this,” I toyed with him, who was clearly unimpressed with the remark as he rolled his eyes up towards me and glared in my direction. I soon wiped the small smirk from my face and buried my head down as I began consuming the dish laid before me.

“You know; I can be left on my own. You don’t have to bring me food and stay here with me,” I grumbled.

“My company not good enough for you, doll?” he teased, as he left the table and made his way over to the cabinet in the corner of the room that housed his liquor. From it, he pulled two basic glasses and a bottle of red wine, filling them both generously and returning them to the table.  “I got an idea. A fucking brilliant idea. Why don’t we play truth or dare, minus the dares? Something tells me you won’t be too willing to cooperate with the dares I have in my mind. And since you seem to be enjoying the Sanctuary as your own fuckin’ personal holiday home, wouldn’t hurt to get to know you better.”

As I finished off the last bite of my food and pushed the plate to the side, I sipped the fruitful wine handed to me and tilted my eyes up to Negan’s, doubtful of this almost innocent intentions.

“Seriously? You want to get to know me? You wanna find out about my favourite colour and what kind of music I’m in to? As it stands, you know very little about me and I’d like to keep it that way if you don’t mind.”

Negan’s eyes flitted downwards as a devilish grin washed over his face and he leaned in closer, lowering his voice to a barely audible level. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Y/F/N Y/L/N. I know a lot more about you than you think. You think the first time I saw you was in that fuckin’ line up? You think I had no fuckin’ clue who you all were? Give me some credit.”

“Y-you’ve been watching us,” I stammered, only to be met with him nodding and smiling in response.

“You didn’t think we’d fuckin’ go in blind did you? We’d have to be some kinda stupid to take you guys on without acquiring some fuckin’ intel first. And whilst most of the idiots in this place quite frankly are that fuckin’ stupid, I most certainly am not. I found out enough shit about you all before I even so much as thought about making a move.”

“What about me… what’d you find out about me?”

“We found out just how fuckin’ good you are at hunting and killing. That was always what we needed to find out, before anything else, if you were killers. Hell, I’m surprised you didn’t find any of us a couple of times, but we’re fuckin’ good at what we do. Watched you take out a few walkers, you and the Latina back there. You can hunt, you can gut animals, you can kill. You examine the bodies of the walkers you kill, look at who they were for some stupid fuckin’ reason. You tie your hair up when you’re concentrating…“

“You know about how I wear my hair?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow sceptically.

“Like I said, we’re thorough. Then there’s the few things you’ve already told us about yourself.” He paused for a moment, and a wicked grin consumed his face, flashing his teeth before me. “And let’s not forget the newest of revelations we have about you. That you really are fuckin’ talented with your tongue, and what you sound like when you…”

“Okay! I get it. I’ll play your stupid game if that’s what it takes to shut you up, but I get to ask questions too,” I interrupted, as I walked away from the table and perched myself on one of his red, velvety loveseats surrounding a small coffee table. My abrupt response prompted him to laugh aloud with glee as he filled both our glasses with wine again and followed me to the seated area.

“Sure thing, sweetie. So tell me, when are you gonna come to your senses and stay with us here at the Sanctuary?” As the words left his mouth, the absurdity of his first caught me off guard, and I spluttered on the warm red liquid trailing down my throat. _Is he for real?_ Did he really think that me spending the rest of my life here was even remotely possible?

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Here I was, chatting with the evillest human being possibly left on this earth, asking questions and playing games as if we were friends of some sort, and I was just to accept that there was no agenda or ulterior motive at work? That this was just light hearted conversation steered in the direction of getting to know one another? I pursed my lips and scanned his face for a moment, noticing every small fleck of hair that made up his coarse beard, and every defining line within his skin. Use this opportunity to find a flaw, a weakness in him, I reiterated to myself. _Don’t get sucked in, Y/N. Be careful._

“I’m _not,_ ” I grunted. “When are you gonna come to your senses and stop being such an asshole?” He laughed at such a colourful compliment and I was sure I’d seen a twinkle in those deep hazel eyes of his.

“The day that shit stops workin’ on women,” he said so arrogantly as his eyes offered a playful wink. “And why not? What’s wrong with the Sanctuary that it can’t compete with your precious little Alexandria?”  

“Why won’t I stay here? Let’s see… you murdered my friend, you’ve threatened and tortured my family, you’re putting them through hell. You run this place like a prison, the only thing that’s missing is some hideous orange jump suits. I’ve actually stayed in a prison since all of this and believe me, that was a luxury compared to this place. Oh and let’s not forget your army of animals that you’ve trained to absolute perfection by the way, that is to kill like it’s some kind of sport. And god forbid someone steps out of line, you what? Take an iron to their face? Burn the flesh from their skin? And that’s just to name a few reasons, so forgive me if this place isn’t my own little piece of heaven.”

I paused for a moment after my brief little outburst, realising how heated our conversation had gotten in such a short space of time. Negan said nothing in response, but continued to stare at me intently as he sat just across from me on the detailed velour couches, and I reminded myself again and again not to let him get to me, to stay on track and focus on unravelling him.

“You’re their leader here. Why? Why you?” I said after collecting myself.

“If you have to ask, maybe I’m not doing my fuckin’ job right, doll. But I guess ‘cause I’m the only fuckin’ person in this place with half a fuckin’ brain and a set of balls to protect this many people. Ain’t easy running this place, keeping this many people alive. Especially when most of them are dumb as shit and are pretty much just walkin’ talkin’ walker bait. We’ve got men here who couldn’t hurt a fuckin’ fly never mind one of those dead fuckers out there. Like some of those men you spend your time flirting with out in the yard. Plenty of women and children here too, they need protecting otherwise what happens to them? It’s a dirty job. It ain’t pretty, but someone’s gotta do it, and that person’s me.”

The sincerity in Negan’s tone was unnerving, and much of what he said resonated with my own circumstances. Rick was undeniably the leader of our group back home, a fine one at that, and he did all that he could to protect us, along with the women and children in our community who lacked the basic survival instincts to make it outside of our walls. In some instances, the two were somewhat alike, sharing the same principles of survival, just vastly differing on their moral code.

“Why them? Why those people back there? You could go it alone if everything we’ve seen so far is true, so why stick with those people back there?” He questioned, and a warm smile spread across my face as I pictured each and every one of them in my mind.

“Why does anybody do it? Because it sure as hell sucks to be on your own in all this shit. And you don’t know them. You think you do, with everything you’ve found out from watching us, but you don’t. Not even a little bit. You don’t know what they’re capable of. You don’t know who’s the one you go to if you’re feeling low and need a kick up the ass or to be inspired to go out there and make it through another day. You don’t know who you go to when you need to smile, because you can’t imagine smiling in a world like this, but you do. You don’t know who’s the loving one, the helpful one, the protective one, the courageous one. Those people back there, they just work together, and they’re good for each other. We all are. We came together and we just… work. We’re a family.”

Once again I’d gotten carried away with my response, as I was filled with warmth as I thought about those dearest to me. We’d been through so very much together, surviving hell itself, and yet here we were, living as a family that we had come together to create against all odds. I didn’t expect Negan to understand that, with such a different set up here in comparison to Alexandria.

_Snap out of it, Y/N!_

“So… why don’t you tell me why you want me here Negan. Have you figured it out yet?” I questioned him, trying desperately to divert the attention back to him.

His eyes bore into mine with an intensity, before they darted up and down my body and a smirk spread across his face.

“What makes you think I fuckin’ want you here?” he said, still smiling.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me.”  

“And I’ve seen the way you look at me, doll. Shit, you think I don’t see the way you stare at me?”

 _How arrogant and conceited could one man get?!_ I gritted my teeth hard and fought back the instinct to argue with him, not wanting to feed his ego and give him what he wanted. All that I had ever looked at him with was nothing more than utter contempt and disgust, pure hatred for the man that stood empowered before me. _That’s not true though, is it?_ I had stared into his eyes as he continued to warm my skin with the touch of his soft lips, his straggly black and silver beard grazing against my flesh. I had found my eyes fixated on him as he stood before me many a time with nothing but the hairs on his chest covering his upper half. And I had gazed upon his naked body with the tiniest inkling of lust as his fingers traced the curves of my body before giving in to sweet desire.

“Nothing to fuckin’ say darlin’? Alright. You can deny that shit all you want, but let me ask you this. If you hated me that much and I was just imagining things… then why the fuck was it so easy for you to come back here with me?”

“It wasn’t fucking easy. I was just mad. I didn’t… I.. I don’t know. ” _Fuck._


	23. Yet Here You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mega long wait, hit a huge rut figuring out where the fic was going. Hopefully inspiration kicks in and I can keep going at a steady rate. Enjoy x

The following morning was much like the last, with the gentle heat of the sun slowly warming and lighting up the room around us, and the clatter and boisterous chatting of busy bodies on the floors below. I’d opted for an easier day today as opposed to fighting Negan on every living thing he said or did, _as fun as that_ was… and rather than confining myself to the four walls of his room, I’d hurried down the stairs of the compound for fresh coffee and food. I’d foolishly committed to this place for the next few days, the least I could do was make this as painless and easy as possible.

As usual, I held my head low as I was served a small portion of omelette and poured myself a steaming cup of black coffee, before I perched myself at one of the benches nearby. As I piled up each mouthful of food onto the fork and consumed it, my thoughts were drawn back to Negan. Our little _game_ , last night had given me a lot to think about. I felt more torn and confused than I had ever been, as if I wasn’t in control of my own mind, body or feelings anymore, incapable of seeing right from wrong. Here I was, in love with an idiot who appeared to be absolutely clueless of my feelings towards him - a fairy tale as Negan once put it, never likely to come true. And to make matters worse, it appeared I was developing the most dangerous love hate relationship, _or whatever this was,_ with possibly the most feared man still roaming this Earth. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ And more importantly, _what the hell am I going to do about all of this?_

I consumed the food within minutes of sitting down in a far too crowded cafeteria, and began clearing away the dirty dishes as soon as possible. The men and few women around me paid very little attention to me thankfully, with only one or two even noticing I had returned at all. It wasn’t until I ventured out into the yard after tidying away that I was met with a few familiar faces – ones that didn’t instinctively omit a sense of fear or even make my insides wretch. Upon the usual bench I’d taken to loitering around now that I was rapidly becoming a part of this corrupted community, sat James, Nathan and Ian, possibly the only friendly faces I would encounter inside these walls. As I walked towards them, Ian’s softened eyes caught sight of me heading their way and he nudged the others, who raised their heads displaying varying looks of confusion upon their faces.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon, Y/N. Let me guess, Negan didn’t let you leave?” Nathan scoffed as I sat down by his side.

“No, he did. I just ran into a few... complications, back home. So I guess you’re stuck with my miserable face for another week, then I will be out of your hair for good – I promise.”

“Good, ’cause honestly we’re sick to death of all the beautiful women around here,” James jested and we all laughed amongst ourselves for a moment, but truth be told the playful compliment unnerved me slightly. Once their laughter faded into silence, Nathan drew his attention back to me and offered a concerned look as he spoke.

“How’s it going with him then? He treating you okay? He’s not exactly known for his kind and gentle personality, but he seems to treat his women okay at least.”

“Yeah, and by that he means he takes all the good ones and keeps them for himself,” Ian piped up, clearly vexed by the way Negan took precedence over the women here, _not that it was any of my business_. But who could blame him; with a predominantly male community and the sheer volume of testosterone they exerted, I imagined women were in high demand to relieve tensions. I’d only seen a few during my stay, some working in the kitchens and one or two of Negan’s wives in passing. In fact, I hadn’t really given his wives much though since the alarming yet brief conversation I had with Sherry upon arrival. They had all been more than distant during my stay here, perhaps Negan has commanded it so, however I wondered what was currently running through their minds. Were they longing to be back in Negan’s protective arms, catering to his every need? Perhaps they were even grateful of the break from his company, as now they could finally get together for that wives of Negan book club they’d always dreamed of. Negan’s ladies of leisure – I laughed to myself.

“He’s treating me like Negan treats people, I guess,” I shrugged, as I snapped myself back to reality.

After a short while, the men I had been surrounded with said their goodbyes for the day and disappeared in various directions, embarking upon their daily duties involving whatever mediocre tasks Negan had assigned to them. Whilst I didn’t exactly envy the prospect of scrubbing floors or serving food for these men, I at the very least wished for a little more… _activity_ , during my stay here. I was useful and resourceful, Negan knew that, and would find me a valuable asset if he just dared to utilize my skills. I was used to being out in the open almost every day, in the thick of the action, facing fear and danger with almost every move I made, not aimlessly wandering in safe zones guarded by men I didn’t even know. I felt a bitterness within me, growing in strength throughout the day as I watched vehicles repeatedly enter and leave the compound, one of which Negan himself had eagerly driven out into the distance, as if their sole purpose today had been to taunt me with their freedom, or more accurately my lack of it.

Of course like everything I said or did these days, I would come to regret that desire for something to ease the boredom. I’d given up on spending the day outside tortured by the large metal gates before me and I’d spent some time instead in the cafeteria, having lunch with the other members here before spending the rest of the evening lounging in the rec room. I spent as little time in there as possible, feeling a little out of place and even unwelcome at times being the only non-Saviour there. I kept to myself and retreated to the back of the room, slumping myself down into one of the slouchy leather sofas, perusing a few magazines that had been lazily scattered around them. And then, unexpectedly, an unwelcome figure with his scarred face and straw-like hair threw himself down into the seat beside me.

Dwight. _Fan-fucking-tastic._ The combination of an agitated and puzzled expression upon his face was enough to tell me that he, like the others, had been unaware of my return to this _wonderful_ base he called home. _Don’t worry Dwight, I’m not exactly thrilled to see you either._

“The hell are you doing back here?” his coarse voice asked brashly, as I buried my face further into the magazine that lay in my palms. However, it was a feeble attempt at avoiding this less than pleasant interaction, as he reached out and snatched the glossy papers from my hands and tossed them aside.

“Thought you dragged your sorry ass out of this place and back to your little lover boy? Trouble in paradise?”

“That’s none of your damn business, Dwight,” I spat back.

“Right, right. I’m guessing good old Negan couldn’t keep his mouth shut about whatever it is the two of you have been getting up to, huh?”

“We haven’t been getting up to anything,” I said before letting out an exasperated sigh. “But yeah, something like that. I should’ve known I guess.”

“Yeah, you should’ve. So what, you’re here for good now then?”

“Nope. Things are just fucked up at home. I’m going back though, for real this time.”

“I don’t think Negan would like that very much,” he scoffed.

“Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what you think. And I don’t think Negan would take too well to hearing you’re poking around in his business, but here you are anyway. Why the fuck are you even here talking to me right now, Dwight? Missing Sherry are we?” It was a low blow, bringing up Sherry again, but It was all I had and every word that left Dwight’s filthy mouth just encouraged a festering anger deep within me.

At the mention of her name, he gritted his teeth and cocked his jaw to the side, but was able to coax himself out of retaliating. Instead, a cocky grin appeared, much like Negan’s, only more disturbing and sickening. “Yeah, that’s why I’m here. Filling the fucking void. You gonna climb into bed with me too? Sure could use a good fuck. You must be good at somethin’ if he let you come back here. Shame about Daryl though…”

The very suggestion Dwight made was enough to cause my fists to clench, feeling just as infuriated by him as ever, and the way he managed to get under my skin with his sly, loathsome words irritated me to no end. It took all of my willpower not to tear him limb from limb in that moment but thankfully, the voice of reason within convinced me to compose myself, before I leaned in close to Dwight and spoke at a volume that could only be heard by the two of us.

“Let’s get something straight here, Dwight. You are a loathsome, disgusting human being, that for some fucking reason has been granted the gift of life by whatever shit almighty power is running the world these days, meanwhile all the good and deserving people out there either rot in the ground or roam lifelessly above it. Why the fuck someone as abhorrent as you had to survive this shit is beyond me, yet here you are. That doesn’t make you a good man who’s credible or actually worthy of something though, no. You’re a scumbag, you’re foul, and you have no honour. And believe me when I say that the only time I would ever be caught crawling into your bed, would be to slit your throat whilst you slept, and I promise you the day will come where I won’t hesitate to do that. For everything you’ve done to my friends and family – that is the least you deserve. So here’s an idea; why don’t you leave me the fuck alone, before I get any bright ideas about evening up the other side of your face. If not me, I’m sure Negan could always be persuaded.”

I stared into his dark eyes and he stared back, as the tension lay thick and heavy in the air and neither of us relished in showing the other defeat. But Dwight’s arrogant expression had diminished at the sharpness of my tongue and I knew that I had won, with the sincerity of my threats all too real and unnerving for him. Moments later, he had risen to his feet and turned his back to where I sat as he hurriedly made his way out of the room, shoving past a young man as he passed him in the doorway and disappearing out of sight – and what a relief that was.   

In all the commotion I hadn’t realised how much time had passed and how much the room had emptied around me, and so I too left the room heading for the top floor, feeling a little too exhausted and deflated for my liking. It was hard enough dealing with Negan, let alone watching my back from the Saviours all day and my now least enthusiastic fan, Dwight. Would I ever get the chance to kill him? Would I make it quick and painless, or make him regret ever so slowly every painful thing he had done to my people? Perhaps the honour of killing him should go to Daryl. This time he wouldn’t hesitate to end his life.

“Hey,” Negan’s husky, low voice called out almost startling me as I turned the brass doorknob to his quarters and closed the doors behind me.

“Hi.”

I offered a forced smile as I caught his gaze, noticing that his eyes looked heavier than usual and his face seemed weary from a long day. Despite his blatant exhaustion, his tone was genuine and almost caring, or as caring as he could possibly be, and he still managed to muster up a little conversation before the day ended.

“Haven’t seen you around much. Dare I fucking ask how your day’s been?”

“Uneventful, as usual,” I shrugged. “Yours?”

“Sorry to hear that, doll. And fucking unsuccessful, that’s how. Been looking for something out there and who fucking knows when we’ll find it.”

“What’re you looking for?”

Negan smirked, never letting his eyes stray from my own, before he spoke in a condescending tone that had become second nature to him. “Don’t you worry about that, sweetie. Saviour business. My men are just sick and tired of looking. Never heard so much whining from a bunch of grown ass men. Bunch of pussies, the lot of ‘em.”

“Maybe you should take me then?” I suggested, in an innocent tone that had zero effect on Negan, as my absurd suggestion was met with an outburst of laughter.

“Funny, doll. Real funny.”


	24. Free

Another beautiful morning fell upon the Sanctuary, like many of the others, with the gentle sun gradually warming the land and the grass at our feet still glistening with fresh dew. Beyond the fences, the scene was almost idyllic – a calming thicket of trees only disturbed by the occasional bird chirping a cheerful tune, with not a walker in sight. And yet, despite the serenity of this morning, I was unable to be taken in by its comforts, as my mind ticked over and over, agitated and on edge.

There they go again, I thought to myself. That was at least the second time this morning that I’d passed somebody in the halls or caught them from across the yard, staring in my direction and muttering something amongst themselves. What could they possibly have to say about me? I’d been up for an hour at this point, maybe even less, and couldn’t recount any scandalous acts that would warrant such attention. I’d been laying rather low around here lately, apart from the incident with Dwight yesterday, but even then I had made sure that during our conversation there was the upmost discretion. These people didn’t know me, most had never even uttered a word in my direction and now all of a sudden, seemed to have more than enough to say. I reassured myself repeatedly that I was just my own paranoia getting the better of me, no doubt fuelled by the lack of coffee that morning after arriving far too late for breakfast, but nope... there they went again, whispering _again…_

“Is there something on my face?” I interrupted the men around me, who had been engrossed in the gripping adventures of Ian during his trip to Europe back in ’92, which in case you were wondering, involved nothing more than getting wasted in every major city and staggering back to a rundown youth hostel with an equally intoxicated young female. The men looked puzzled by my outburst, but shook their head in response.

“So no green spots or huge basketball sized lump anywhere?” I questioned, as I made glances across the open yard to a group of men whose eyes I had met a few times now.

“What’re you talking about?” Nathan asked.

“That’s like the third time I’ve seen someone staring at me and whispering just this morning. I’m fairly sure I haven’t done anything, and you say there’s nothing on my face, so what the hell are they looking at?” It was obvious I was becoming more and more irate by their quick glances and murmuring lips as my fingernails scraped into the wooden bench we sat at. The looks Nathan, Ian and the few others exchanged amongst themselves however, were enough to confirm my suspicions.

“I, uh, might have heard a few guys saying something while taking a piss this morning. People are just talking ‘cause you’re back. They’re a little unsure what your role is here; nobody knows if you’re one of Negan’s wives or y…” Ian admitted shiftily, looking over his shoulder as he spoke, but he was soon cut off.

“Negan’s wife?! No, no fucking way. Not a chance in hell.”

“Okay, well, it’s just ‘cause he hasn’t exactly said you’re _free_ I guess,” he replied uncomfortably.

“ _Free_? Care to explain what the hell that means?” I demanded, looking between the two of them for some sort of clarification, before Nathan’s lips parted to speak.

“Well, you know about his wives. They’re off limits. You so much as look at one of them, never mind talk to or have the balls to touch one of them – you’re as good as dead. But the women he declares ‘free’ are for the rest of us. They work around the compound too but they’re here for us when we need them I guess. That’s if you don’t mind sharing with a hundred other men.”

“Wow, and here I was thinking free meant actually being free,” I retorted with sarcasm.

“Just keep an eye out I guess. The men are just keeping a watchful eye on you, seeing what happens next with all of that. They’ll be biding their time until they know more and then it’ll be a race to see who makes the first move.”

I let out a sigh, whether it was out of disgust or contempt for this place and its way of rule, I was unsure.

“I feel sorry for whoever that son of a bitch will be then.” We all shared a laugh as I joked about it, but the idea of these men behaving like that towards women and having those same intentions for myself was utterly disgusting. I could only imagine what the people back home would think of this place, and how sorry these men would be if they ever tried this bullshit on the women from Alexandria.  

Had I not been so focused on the idle gossip and chit chat of the low life men in this place, I would have heard the sound of heavy footsteps across the asphalt, as they approached from behind and came to a stop not far from where the few of us loitered. The others however, had not been so oblivious, and had immediately scrambled up from where they sat. As a mark of respect, they kneeled to the hard ground with their heads bowed, awaiting further instruction.

“Haven’t you all got somewhere to be? Fuck off, I need to talk to the girl.” Negan’s arrogant and commanding voice from behind sent a tingle down my spine, although I refrained from turning to gaze upon the figure that lay just out of my sight. As expected, he was met with various ‘yes sir’ responses from the Saviours around us, who promptly rose to their feet once again and scurried away indoors, out of sight until the two of us were alone. A smart move, I came to realise, as Negan’s impressively intimidating presence sauntered around the bench until he stood before me, with Lucille perched proudly upon his leather clad shoulders, and a wicked albeit handsome grin upon his face.

“You still ain’t kneelin’?”

“Nope,” I replied quickly, with an all too defiant smugness in my tone.

“Huh, that’s funny…,” he said as he stood firm before me, running his bare hand through his silver flecked facial hair, massaging the skin beneath it. “As I recall, last week you fucking _liked_ kneeling before me. I like my women kneeling before me, it’s a fucking pretty sight.”

Negan carefully placed Lucille down onto the bench before me as he lowered himself down to my height, sitting just opposite myself at the bench as he continued to stare me down with his dark, enticing eyes.

“I guess it’s just as well I’m not one of your women then, isn’t it?” I said as I smiled coyly, causing a small chuckle to escape from his mouth.

“Man, I do like you. You’re fucking feisty, I’ll give you that. What d’those pricks want with you anyway? Can’t seem to fucking stay away from you.”

_Do I detect a hint of jealousy?_

“I don’t think they _want_ anything. They’re just being… nice.” I almost let out a scoff as the words left my mouth – the idea of a Saviour actually having a shred of decency, enough to come across as nice and approachable, well, that was a laughable concept. But I had to give them some credit, they had been nothing but nice and welcoming since I arrived here, and seemed to be the only genuine, good-willed characters in the Sanctuary. Despite my own judge of character for these men, Negan seemed to be in disagreement as his face looked vexed and overly discontent.

“What, you don’t like me talking to your men?” If I hadn’t seemed smug before, I certainly did now as a smile crept upon my face, entertained by the prospect of a jealous Negan. I shouldn’t have been so thoroughly amused by such a concept though, and I should’ve known that of all people, Negan would not take too well to any amusement at his expense. That was evident from the brash tone that he proceeded to speak in.

“As a matter of fact, I fucking don’t. I didn’t bring you here to flirt with those fuckers. They’ve got enough shit to do around here without the likes of you sat here fuckin’ distracting them.”

“Well, first of all you didn’t bring me here this time, I came here on my own, remember? And if you don’t want me talking to those guys, maybe you should let me out of these walls once in a while. Otherwise… I might have to go find even more of your men to talk to.”

“Is that so?” Negan said, as a smirk crept upon his face and one eyebrow raised, leaning in closer across the bench processing my suggestion.

“Fine. Go get your shit and be back out here in an hour. We’re going on a run.”

All of a sudden, my eyes widened and a large grin that hadn’t graced my face in such a long time was spread across it almost instantly.

“Really? You’re serious?!”

“Did I fucking stutter, doll? Go. And don’t keep me fucking waiting.”

 “Yes, Sir”, I said humouring him, with the slyest smile as I practically jolted from the bench and skipped indoors to get ready.  

 _This was happening, finally!_ Just a brief break from these shitty walls and the seemingly never ending feeling of being one their prisoners. It was time for a taste of reality.


	25. Into The Fire

Within minutes of leaving Negan’s company, I had scrambled up through the compound, almost tripping on each of the steps leading to the top floor, before stumbling through the doors to his room. I could practically feel the excitement buzzing through my veins, as I mentally prepared for the day ahead. The blood and the sweat, and the thin film of dirt that coated my skin after a day out in the open – there was nothing better. No greater satisfaction than knowing you had provided for people you loved and rid the world of one, if not more, life threatening walking corpses.

Frantically, I searched the room around me, hurriedly searching for the necessary _shit_ , as Negan called it, for a run with him and his boys. My hands rifled through the set of drawers, tossing clothes in all directions until I came across a long sleeved charcoal t-shirt that I decided upon wearing - instead of the thin, what used to be white, tank top I currently adorned. It seemed like the more practical choice, and no doubt Negan would object to the outing if I wasn’t adequately covered up amongst all of his men. Next, I changed from the thin, plimsoll like flats currently on my feet into the sturdy combat boots that I had arrived here in, still covered in a layer of grime from trudging through a muddy field away from Negan, which he quickly dragged me back through and back to his truck. And finally, I collected my long flowing hair together and tied it up securely into a bun atop my head, with bangs flowing down either side of my face – the way I always wore my hair when I needed the upmost concentration out on supply runs.

Not lingering for a moment longer, I darted from the room, practically skipping down the halls as I made my way through the building. Who’d have thought the prospect of being so up close and personal with those groaning, carnivorous monsters ready to devour anything that dared cross their path, would be such an exhilarating feeling? Let’s not forget the accompanying putrid smell of decaying flesh that burned through your nostrils as soon as you got too close to one of those lifeless beings. Despite the less than pleasant associations I had with the living dead out there, my excitement didn’t waver – although I did wonder who exactly I would be fighting alongside. Lord help me if it was Dwight. I wasn’t sure how easy it would be not to throw him to the mercy of a walker should I get the chance.  

As I tumbled through the doors of the compound leading out into the yard, I saw various trucks and cars rallied by the entrance to the premises, which I chose to wait eagerly alongside until we left. A few of the men loitering in the area seemed surprised at my presence amongst them, although none approached and merely awaited Negan’s instruction. No sign of the most favoured mutated resident Dwight though, which I supposed was both a blessing and a curse not having him out there. I wondered what Negan might tell his men. Surely he would spare them the conversation just before his offering, where I so coyly teased and threatened flirting with his men whilst he was away. A jealous Negan was an entertaining one, and I would be thoroughly entertained by that moment for as long as I remembered it. Just as thoughts of him infiltrated my mind, his presence became apparent as the doors to the building smashed open and out he boomed, exuding confidence as he strode forward with a mean, ready-to-do-business look upon his face and his blood thirsty girl, Lucille, swaying by his side.

As he approached where we had all congregated, he came to a halt by one of the men towards the back. His figure was lean, and his hair dark sparse upon his head, but my eyes were drawn to the mean and merciless look upon his face somewhat equal to Negan’s. He appeared to be Negan’s right hand, his chosen commander and go to guy – a noteworthy observation, for future reference. The two of them conversed for a moment as he no doubt briefed the man for the run ahead, as well as gestured towards me with a gradual smirk upon his face. After their short conversation, Negan made his way over towards me, eyes gleaming as he set his sights upon me and we exchanged glances.

“You ready, doll?” I nodded my head, before attempting some form of audible confirmation.

“Yes, yeah. I’m ready.”

For a moment, he stood towering before me in the most intimidating manner, peering down at me intensely, before setting down the barbed bat he cherished so dearly against the body of the truck just to the side of us. He turned back to the man who stood just a little behind him with a few others, and reached out for a tightly wrapped cloth held in his hands, turning my attention to it as he revealed the contents. My knives. Suddenly, I was overcome with a wave of relief and reassurance as I set my sights upon the shining metal before me. Not only was I actually being granted the gift of freedom during this little field trip of theirs, but I was to be armed and trusted with a weapon in my hands, capable of defending myself and the lives of others. ‘ _The lives of others’_ was open to interpretation, I scoffed silently to myself. I certainly wouldn’t be risking my life for the likes of these criminals. It was as if Negan had heard that sly comment in my head just a moment ago, or perhaps he was simply testing those levels of trust between us, as the second my hands outstretched for the blades, fingers yearning to grip them once more in my palms, he sharply drew them back out of my reach.

“Now before I hand these over to you, let’s got one thing crystal fucking clear.” His tone was fierce and commanding, but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at yet another one of Negan’s charismatic lectures.

“I’m not pussying around here when I fucking say that you better think very, fucking, hard, about how you choose to use these. You so much as fucking step towards one of my men with one of those blades in your hand, and you will come to fucking regret it. You understand? It will be very fucking difficult to spare your precious little life if you decide to try and off one of my men. I fucking mean it, doll. No fucking funny business whilst we’re out there, or so help me God, each and every one of my men will put a fucking bullet in your skull.”

I nodded slightly in response, but his arrogance today rang loud and clear as he almost whimsically placed a hand to his ear, and an expectant look upon his face commanded a verbal response.

“Speak up, doll. You fucking understand me?”

“Yes. I understand you, Negan.”

What a way to put a dampener on an otherwise exciting day ahead. _Typical fucking Negan._ With my submission, he released the knives from his clutch and offered them forward once again, allowing me to take them for myself. As I reached out for them, he took a step closer and lessened the distance between us, lowering his voice to a volume that could only be heard by the two of us. The corners of his mouth curled upwards, and he flashed his gleaming teeth like a wolf staring upon his prey.

“You’re not gonna sink one of those into my fucking skin now, are you darlin’?”

Trying my best to conceal a smirk that so desperately wanted to make an appearance upon my face, my eyes widened and I looked up to the man before me, and in the most innocent tone I could must up, “No sir, not today.”

Negan chuckled quietly to himself before turning his back from me towards the rusty, battered truck behind him and almost in a gentleman like fashion, swung open the door and gestured for me to enter. As per his command, I made my way to where he stood and tossed my knives inside, just across the passenger side seats. Just as I began hoisting myself upwards to take my place in the vehicle, I felt the firm grasp of two strong hands placed upon my thighs, slightly cupping my behind as they guided me upwards and into the seat. My cheeks blushed a shade of crimson, as the notion of his fingertips dangerously close to being between my thighs sent an instant tingle down my spine and weakness throughout my legs, but I’d be damned if I gave him the satisfaction of knowing just what effect his mere fingers could have upon me. His ego certainly needed no more encouragement, that was for sure.

“I got it,” I warned him, whilst rolling my eyes.

“Oh, I know you do doll.”

It wasn’t long before we, accompanied by the numerous cars and trucks trailing us, were driving down the long, outstretched, desolate roads that led away from the Sanctuary’s safe walls, with the sunlight fading the further we delved into the wild and in its place, a thick layer of fog developed. Each turn upon the route we took led to a road looking more ominous and forbidding than the last. The sinister and daunting effect each path gave off was only aided by the occasional groaning walker lurking in the trees or dawdling aimlessly into the road, suddenly alerted by the heavy roaring of vehicles passing by. I counted fourteen by the time we arrived – fourteen helpless corpses that I could’ve easily sunk into the ground, ending what was left of their pathetic lives left to roam upon this planet.

But arrive we did, after an hour or so of Negan’s incessant teasing and flirting, just upon the outskirts of a small village, not too dissimilar from Alexandria. It sported a row of tall white houses, no more than ten lined side by side and a small convenience store towards the end. To my surprise, it looked to be one of the few places upon this earth that had not yet been ransacked and stripped bare of all necessary supplies. As exciting as that prospect was in terms of looting anything of value, the reality was that any number of threats could be lurking in this unsuspecting street. Whether it would be a few straggling walkers lingering between the houses, or the occupants of these homes holed up indoors hoping desperately to go unnoticed, there was sure to be some form of hidden danger praying upon our arrival.

“Alright men,” Negan’s voice carelessly called out, as we abandoned our vehicles and the men collected around him, loading their weapons and preparing for the raid ahead as he began dishing out commands. “Let’s set up a perimeter. I want at least a dozen of you spread out along here and another dozen round the back of these houses. Michael and Roy, you take your guys and make sure we got this shit covered. You so much as see a flicker of movement out there, you radio it in and then you shut that shit down, immediately. I don’t wanna haul our asses out of these houses unless there’s a serious fucking herd of walkers on our asses. Oh, and as usual, you fuckers see anyone alive out there, you come find me and hand them over to me. We fucking clear? Everyone got their walkies?”

The crowd around him mumbled and nodded their heads in confirmation, before approximately half of them dispersed from the group and began scattering themselves around the outskirts of the neighbourhood, periodically changing directions as they anticipated any incoming threats.

“The rest of us are gonna head inside the houses. Liam, Craig, Andrew and Jameson you can take the first house. Simon, Ryan and Jay you’re with me and the girl. We’ll take the second house, then whoever gets done first, move on to the next until we’ve cleared ‘em all. This goes without saying but I’m going to fuckin’ say it anyway. Anything even remotely valuable, whether we fucking need it or not, we take that shit. That’s how we keep things running back home. Don’t assume we can do without, or the only thing we _will_ do without is your sorry ass on the next fuckin’ run. As for even making it back home and even out again on the next run, it goes without saying - be fucking careful. Don’t get scratched, don’t get bit. Don’t. Fucking. Die. There could be plenty of those dead fuckers in those houses just waiting to sink their teeth in, expect it – but don’t give those assholes the fucking pleasure. You see anyone alive in there, you be ready for a fight, but otherwise keep those fuckers alive. They have a choice to make. Everyone clear on that? Or do I need to fucking repeat anything?”

The men around me shouted and nodded in response, but I just watched intently, in a state of awe and admiration it seemed, as every powerfully assertive word left Negan’s mouth and instructed the men before him as they delved into yet another do or die situation. Their lives hung on Negan’s every word, his ability to inspire and encourage them through the darkest of outcomes, bringing them out the other side accomplished and victorious. Only a few evenings ago I questioned his position within the Sanctuary, wondering what qualities other than his arrogance and brutal nature made him, above all others, fit to lead such a mass of survivors. And yet here I stood amongst those very men, hit by such a revelation. Negan wasn’t just some average joe who’d modestly taken the role upon himself. He’d built something here. Built something from nothing, and transformed that into an army, an empire of sorts.

 _Pfft, if Negan could hear me now.._.

“The rest of you guys, stay here by the cars and guard our shit,” his coarse voice boomed out once again. “The last thing we need is somethin’ happening to our ride home. Anyone gets close, cut their fucking heads off.”

Negan gave one last nod to a few of the men to his side, and once again they dispersed as they followed their commands, standing watch of the vehicles for unsuspecting predators with both knives and an assortment of guns at the ready.

“Alright men. Now that we’re all fucking set up here, it’s time to get a little bloody.”

Negan looked away from the remaining men, and with a grin creeping across his face he turned to face me, looking down into my wide eyes with an amused expression upon his face.

“You ready, doll?”

_Time to play._


	26. A Date With Danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm super sorry for how late this chapter has been, but its about three times the length of the usual chapters and its just got soooo much going on in it. It's been really difficult to get done, and to top things off I'm sort of on a break from writing at the minute (so probs a wait for the next one too) because I'm visiting my best friend in hospital in Central London, 300+ miles away! Also, for this chapter I just really wanted to bring walkers back into the story a bit rather than them barely seeming like a threat anymore. It wouldn't be the walking dead without walkers! SO, lots of love to my beautiful followers and subscribers, thank you so much for being so patient with me! x

_“You ready, doll?”_

The village and wooded area around us remained deadly quiet and the once warming sunlight had all but completely dwindled away, allowing the thick blanket of fog to set upon the ground. The only disruption echoing down the narrow street came from the sound of heavy footsteps scraping over the gravel, and the low muttering of the men’s voices as they departed to embark upon their assigned roles. Soon enough, a number of men sparsely surrounded the target area, and the remaining men deemed capable enough of raiding the homes and fighting off walkers equipped themselves with large duffle bags and an assortment of weapons. Negan himself hoisted up a bag that had been dumped in the dirt, and slung it into my arms as he gestured with the tip of Lucille to follow a small group of men, who were already making their way towards the second building upon the row of neat looking houses. The three men had marched on in an almost militaristic fashion, followed by myself and then Negan who sauntered leisurely behind, barely phased by the task ahead. _Probably below his paygrade_ , I scoffed to myself. They passed effortlessly through the white picket fences surrounding the house and trudged across its overgrown lawn, until they reached the panelled door that they soon broke inwards, granting them entry. The house was eerily silent, apart from the sound of my own heavy breathing and the deep thumping of my adrenaline fuelled heartbeat that rang loud in my ears.

“Clear,” Negan’s right hand man called out, as he allowed his shoulders to relax and dumped his bag carelessly upon a nearby lounge chair. The rest of the men dispersed and hunted through each of the rooms, ransacking drawers and flipping furniture in search of precious valuables and necessary resources. Negan however, began perusing the living room with a seeming lack of enthusiasm as he lazily twirled Lucille in his fingertips, coming to a stop before a small collection of hardback books mounted to the wall. His eyes searched the titles intently, only breaking his gaze as the noise of creaking floorboards beneath my feet distracted him, and I left him alone as I crept upstairs.   

Reaching the top floor, I peered down into a long hallway that featured a few doors and felt hopeful that behind one of these doors, might be a welcome discovery. The first door I came across and prised open with caution, always prepared for something to be lurking in the shadows, led to nothing other than a basic linen closet. _No valuables in there_ , I doubted to myself. And so I swiftly moved on to the next room, which led to a master bedroom decorated in elegant purple hues, with a large four poster bed and luxurious draping curtains, a room quite similar to my own before the world turned. The room appeared to be empty. A large chest of drawers positioned in the corner of the room was my first port of call, but as I approached them I noticed a few of the drawers askew, having already been rummaged through somewhat frantically. It appeared someone had beaten me to them, having already found and taken for themselves whatever worthwhile gem lay hidden beneath these layers. I searched the drawers regardless, fumbling through the garments housed inside, but wasn’t surprised when all I stumbled upon was an assortment of clothing and underwear. Slamming them closed in defeat, I directed my attention towards a bedside table instead, decorated with a few ornate photo frames and small lamp. I began to search its contents and despite my best efforts, all I happened upon this time was a few half empty packets of aspirin and a battered, brown labelled asthma inhaler. I couldn’t help but let out an exasperated sigh, as I tossed the items into the bag I had dumped nearby, before I made my way further down the hallway towards the door opposite.

The next room was a bathroom, clean, with white tiles covering the floor and walls. There _had_ to be something worthwhile in here, surely. As I entered, my eyes flitted around the room in an over analysing manner, covering every surface and crevice until they landed upon a mirrored medicine cabinet just above the sink. From inside, I was able to scavenge an almost full tube of spearmint toothpaste, a few acne creams and four unused razor heads. This was soon turning out to be the most pathetic raid I’d ever been a part of, scavenging for the very basics that once upon a time I had so naively taken for granted. Amongst a range of less useful items scattered about the room, I collected a pack of unopened toilet rolls and a few bottles of cleaning products, before tossing all of my findings into the duffel bag, once again feeling defeated. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, just something of worth, anything that might even have been considered an _impressive_ find, that’s all I wanted. Just one little thing to report back to Negan, proving my worth and value amongst the men on this trip. Hopefully my luck so far wouldn’t be an indication for the following houses we had left to raid. Otherwise I might as well have spared myself the trouble and stayed put in the Sanctuary, with nothing to do but rile Dwight up for my own petty amusement.

_Note to self: Must remember to rile Dwight up for petty amusement._

As I wandered towards the last room at the end of the hall and reached for its brass handle, I paused, dead still with a sudden lump developing in my throat. Placed at eye level upon the door was a small, hand crafted plaque, that in patchwork pastel blue letters spelled out the name ‘Dylan.’ I had come across many a child’s bedroom during runs with my people, but nevertheless, each one came with its own difficulties. I gulped hard as I slowly twisted the cool metal handle in my palm and eased the door open, unaware in that moment that it would reveal the gravest of horrors. The room itself was beautifully decorated in blues and cream, with a range of baby furniture and soft furnishings throughout and an abundance of soft toys laid upon them, as well as an array of loving family photographs adorning the walls. This room had belonged to a young boy, who one day might have played in the very spot that I stood, happy and carefree.

But it was not just the disturbing notion of such a young and innocent life lost in this world, so young that they would have been blissfully unaware of the cruelty of living and of the walking horrors that now occupied every town and city upon this miserable planet. No, that was not the most disturbing feature of this room. _It was the blood._ The masses blood and decaying flesh that attracted the number of flies currently buzzing throughout the room and crawling insects around the sources. There were pools of crimson splattered upon every surface, first staining the soft grey carpet at my feet, where the body of a young man lay limp and decaying, emitting the most putrid stench. And what better way to express the torment that this man had suffered, than with a gaping hole just beneath his chin that signified the path of a bullet that had recklessly torn through his skull. His outstretched arms held a loose grip upon a shining silver revolver, small and discreet, but effective in its purpose. But the tale before me had yet to darken, as I gazed across the room to find that just a short way away lay the other half of the scene, with even more blood that could depict only the harshest twists of fate. In the corner of the room, amongst the saturated walls and furnishings, sat the body of a young mother resting in the comforts of a nursing chair. So loving she appeared, with her head bowed and tucked tightly in, as she embraced the body of another. Her sweet, young son, _Dylan_ , still cradled in her desperately devoted arms, still clutching at his small body wrapped up in her touch. Both gone from this world by the same means of the man at my feet, unable to face its cruel horrors, they lay still with one another in peace. That man, that woman and that young boy – they were no longer tormented by their pain. They had been set free from their suffering. And the living? We suffered on.

Just for a moment, I was unable to move, unable to drag my eyes away from the graphic reality that lay before me. A helpless, underserving family without the means of survival, wiped out from this planet like so many others, including those that I had come to love and lose myself. It was as if I _needed_ to see their helpless bodies, to be reminded of what it meant to be alive and to still have people by my side that I loved. Pulling the door tightly shut behind me, I rested my back upon it and took a few deep breaths, feeling the air from my lungs slowly escaping my body. And... _oh no, not that feeling…_ a rising sensation deep within my stomach threatening to force stomach acid upwards through my body.

_Pull yourself together, Y/N. You can do this._

I shook my head briefly and took a few more deep breaths as the sensation dissolved and I was able to let out a brief sigh of relief. For a few more seconds I stood by that door, unable to shake the gravity of what I had come to witness, and unwilling to say goodbye to those who had been failed. I stood with my fingertips clinging to my mouth and my eyes shut tightly, until the sound of heavy footsteps approached from the staircase and one the Saviours from within the house appeared at the end of the hallway, catching sight of my startling pale complexion and obvious unsteadiness.

“You alright?” he asked with caution.

I rubbed my hands over my face and through my hair as I mustered up one last attempt to pull myself together, and offered the man a nod as I gathered up the duffle bag at my feet.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“What’s in there?” he proceeded to ask, as he gestured towards the end of the hallway.

“Nothing,” I muttered, as I passed by him and made my way down the stairs, with him following closely behind.

 _A lie,_ I thought to myself _._ A family, deceased, and a dead man’s revolver dropped upon the floor. That is what’s in there.

The men downstairs had begun assembling themselves and their collected resources around Negan, who stood unimpressed in the middle of the lounge room with nothing but a few books and a tarnished gold watch in his hands. He scanned each of us before him, taking note of any worthwhile finds the men had stumbled across, until his eyes landed on my own and his face displayed shared the same expression as the Saviour upstairs, however he was quick to dismiss any expressions of concern.

“We good here, doll?”

“Yeah, all good.” I replied in an attempt to seem nonchalant, shifting my eyes towards the floor.

“Good. Next house boys.”

I was glad of the fresh air, breathing it in as soon as we left the confines of that house, even if I only had a few brief minutes to enjoy it. I was even more glad of the opportunity to put that brutal sight I had witnessed to the back of me, although I was sure it would be one that would haunt me for the rest of my life. But it was time to focus on the task at hand, as I followed Negan’s lead to the fourth house in the street, with the other group of Saviours having moved on to the one just before it.

In the same manner as before, the men before us approached the premises with little caution or hesitation, breaking in the door with the littlest of concerns for anything that might inhabit it. These men exuded arrogance. They truly believed they were unstoppable, as if they were Gods upon men, invincible even. But I knew in my mind that they were anything but, and they were to be sharply reminded of that as we delved further into the house. Sure enough, they were soon welcomed in by a groan and crashing motion that came from a small closet under the staircase, which had remained silent until we rudely disturbed it. Out tumbled a walker, with its overpowering smell of decay and its decomposed body that was missing a limb or two, still determined as it fought its way towards its nearest prey. As its long, skeletal fingers outstretched for the clothing of the man just ahead of me, I held my breath and instinctively lurched forward into the path of the beast and with the length of my arm, slammed the body hard against the nearby wall as I plunged one of my shining eager blades deep through the corpse’s eye socket, until the blade dug into the plastered wall behind it. The body was drained of any remaining life, and it fell to the floor leaving a dark, fleshy trail down the wall behind it.

As I proceeded to wipe the blade clean on the rags clothing the body at my feet, the men stood amongst themselves gawping and exchanging looks of sheer embarrassment as they realised that had it not been for me, one of them may very well have been fighting for their life right now, possibly even dead as pools of blood flooded from their body. _Not even a thanks. What fucking idiots._ But Negan, after witnessing the entire occurrence with a front row seat, was even less appreciative of their hubris, as he shook his head in disbelief and reached out, shoving the man in front of me as he proceeded to compliment him with the most colourful of profanities. I counted at least two uses of the word _fuck_. Then it was back to business as the five of us split up once again and searched each room of what once was some loving family’s home, with myself heading for the kitchen in hopes of acquiring some more desirable rewards this time around.

“Jackpot,” I mumbled to myself, with a wide grin spreading across my face. After a few minutes I had begun searching the drawers of the kitchen units and to my delight, stumbled upon an assortment of kitchen utensils mixed in with a variety of sharpened knives. Just below them, I revelled in perhaps the even more welcome sight of an almost fully stocked cupboard that hid dozens of tinned and jarred items, as well as a few dried food goods. From baked beans and tinned tomatoes to dried pasta and rice, these cupboards were a gold mine and I wasted no time clearing them of their contents, spreading my haul across the lino floor at my feet. The fridge however, was possibly one of the more gruesome sights to be revealed, as I mindlessly delved in and pulled the sealed door open, soon overcome with an overwhelming smell of rotting food originating from the entirety of its contents now covered in an unsightly green fuzz. Despite the sickly smell that had spread to my taste buds and caused me to grimace, this room had been a triumph in terms of resources. A few boxes of cereal, an entire rack of herbs and spices and even an unopened jar of frothy hot chocolate mix were only a few of the better finds to come out of that room. Even Negan himself looked overly impressed, as he stood watchful and silent in the doorway as he scanned the vast amount of items I had collected.

Once the men had cleared the rest of the house out of any other necessary supplies and Negan gave his order, we lugged our haul outdoors and back to one of the trucks, where the combination of items scavenged by both our team and the other had sure enough mounted up into a decent load. After Negan had checked in with a few Saviours trusted with keeping guard, we made our way towards the neighbouring house, and I strode alongside them feeling pretty damn pleased with the turn of events. But then, as we passed through another weathered picket fence and approached the porch, Negan decided upon the most unexpected of strategies.

“Let Y/N take this one, boys,” he commanded to the men leading us forward, who all turned towards him with looks of their faces that expressed their confusions. Who could blame them, as even I was in somewhat disbelief that I had heard him correctly.

“Sir..” the blonde haired man towards the front began.

“Really?” I queried, furrowing my brows as I doubted his intentions.

“Did I tell the girl to fucking cut my head off or something? No, I sure as fuck did not, so once again… Y/N is going to lead us on this one. So doll, I suggest you fucking hurry up,” Negan snapped back and gestured impatiently towards the house before us. _Time to shine._

Following his command, I stepped ahead of the Saviours who stood still looking somewhat bewildered, and stopped upon the porch just before the door, as I inhaled deeply and banged my fist repeatedly against it. And whilst I listened carefully for the sound of movement indoors, all I could hear was the sound of Negan stood behind me, enjoying a breathy chuckle to himself, clearly amused at my precautious nature. His face, and the others, were soon wiped clean of any scepticism, as soon as a rattling groan in the distance grew closer until it was accompanied by a clatter against the other side of the door. Bracing myself, I gripped the handle of one of my knives in one hand, holding it high and steady, with the handle of the door tightly gripped in my other palm. I could feel each and every one of them with their eyes focused on me and watching intently, and so I readied myself to put on a show. I’d show these Saviours how us Alexandrians handled the dead. Turning the handle slowly in my hand, I pushed the door inwards, wedging it open slightly until the face of a deteriorating corpse forced its way between the door and the frame, snarling as its mouth jarred open and shut with a wild hunger, and a vacant look in its eyes that locked on to my own. The pause in the doorway lasted only a moment, as I brutally dragged the knife through the crevice and sunk it into the top of its skull until the body grew limp, falling to a mess upon the floor.

Suddenly the door yanked open further, and from the depths of the house another rotting corpse stumbled outwards, hurtling towards us at a great speed with even more of a carnivorous desire than the last. As I leaned into the corpse with its arms outstretched erratically trying to grasp onto my tender flesh, I raised my knee tightly to my chest and booted the body away from me with great force, before lunging forward and delving my knife deep into its soft skull. After the thud of the mass falling to the floor and accompanying the other, the rest of the house fell silent and appeared to be clear of any further threats.

“Well I’ll be fucking damned. The little lady does know that the fuck she’s doing after all. Guess you were right doll, should’ve brought you out here sooner. You men just gonna let her put you to fucking shame like that? Man…” Negan sniggered, as he teased his team of men who had begun dispersing throughout the house once more.

“What can I say, guess I’m more than just a pretty face,” I jested back with a proud smile upon my face as I wiped the blades clean again.

This time I took it upon myself to cover the lounge area, although it was apparent after only a few moments of searching that there was very little of use in there. Amongst the basic furnishings, I was able to find nothing more than a few misplaced dvds and a collection of books scattered amongst a shelf. Hardly the necessities that one needed to survive the impending apocalypse, but perhaps they would be appreciated assets to the rec room back at the Sanctuary for those unfortunate enough to be stuck behind its walls twenty-four seven. Hell, I’m sure a few of us back home wouldn’t have minded a few additions to our own collections, but now seemed the wrong time to negotiate trade. I tossed the items into the duffel bag, scoured the room one last time, even emptying any tv remotes of their batteries, and dragged the bag back to where Negan stood observant in the hallway. A few minutes later the rest of the team stood alongside us, and judging by the mostly empty luggage they all carried, it appeared that we had all unfortunately suffered a disappointing haul. Nevertheless, there were still more a few more buildings left to raid and Negan wasted no time in directing us outside to the next objective.

Moving along the row of houses, we made our way to the last upon this street with the other team occupying the neighbouring home. But just as we reached the garden opening of our second-to-last stop, Negan strode ahead and turned on his feet, lowering Lucille from his shoulders and outstretching the length of her across my body, creating a barrier of sorts that halted me in my tracks.

“The fuck?” I argued, with my brows furrowed and a disgruntled look upon my face, as I realise his intent was to stop me from wandering further towards the house.  He glanced carelessly in my direction as I contested his move, but quickly turned towards his men and issued them the last of their commands.

“Simon! You three take this last house, get the other guys if you need to. Then I want you all to head back to the trucks, load up all out shit and be ready to head the fuck out. Me and the little lady are gonna take the store over there.”

“Yes Sir,” he replied immediately, before he and the other men made their way forward towards the house and Negan guided me by his side towards the small convenience store just a few hundred yards away. As we walked alone alongside one another, I couldn’t help but notice his dark eyes watching intently with every step, and the amused grin upon his face that flashed his wolfy teeth.

“What’s going on Negan? You taking me in there to kill me?” I questioned, with a slight tone of irritation in my voice that was met with a burst of laughter.

“I don’t know; guess we’ll just have to fucking see. You having fun, doll?” he said with one eyebrow raised, still smiling down at me.

“Sure.”

“You’re good at this. Colour me fucking impressed. I haven’t had to swing Lucille once.”

“Shit, do I detect a hint of admiration? Besides, I _told_ you I was good at this. Why the tone of surprise?”

I winked in his direction, and we both shared a brief laugh amongst ourselves, until we had soon approached the storefront of the last building in this somewhat desolate street. The two of us simultaneously leaned forward and peered through its murky glass, laying our eyes upon the small congregation of walkers ambling their way in and out of the store shelves. I spotted at least six or seven of them just in that room alone, and they soon spotted us as their attention was drawn to the two moving figures just beyond their reach, causing them to swarm collectively towards us, ramming up against the glass that was sure to give way any moment now if they persisted.

“Think you can handle a few more, darlin? Wouldn’t want you to break a sweat now,” Negan said as he looked down at me with excitement, licking his lips and gripping Lucille tightly in his leather gloved hand. I rolled my eyes instinctively but nodded in his direction and followed closely behind him as he stood before the beasts, pressing themselves against the pane of glass as he stood for a moment, staring at them with the wickedest of looks in his eyes. In an instant, Negan had raised Lucille up high, before raining her down upon the glass ahead of him, shattering it into a thousand pieces that fell upon the concrete. As soon as that shatter pierced the air, the ravenous walkers indoors stumbled towards us, and we entered the building hastily through the fractured doorframe with Negan booting the first corpse backwards with an impressive force.

The second I set foot indoors, a tight, bony grip attached itself to my arm dragging me towards the hollow living dead with a lustrous hunger in its eyes. My hand swung into action and caught the rotting flesh of its neck, cupping its face upwards as its jaw snapped and spluttered and it writhed desperately under my hold. With my other hand I raised the blade high into the air and slammed it down into the fleshy mess of its skull with the upmost of ease. Negan to my side could be heard as he swung Lucille down effortlessly, pounding her down with brute force as he crushed and tore into the skull of one, then another walker, ripping the flesh from their bones and tearing them to shreds. Watching him in action was almost mesmerising and enthralling. It appeared from the smirk upon his face and the way he moved with such passion and precision, that he too enjoyed the release that came from ending their pathetic, putrid lives.

There was no time to stop and swoon as Negan plunged the tip of the barbed bat into yet another lurking monster as a loud rasping groan in my ear signalled the imminent danger of yet another corpse headed my way. Before it could even come within a meter’s distance, the other knife tucked safely in my belt was released and flung through the air with absolute flawless accuracy, before it landed firmly between the eyes of the walker. An impressive shot, even by my standards. I reached down for my knives and wiped the repulsive brown stickiness from both blades on the clothing of one of the nearby bodies, laying limp and defeated in a pile upon the floor. Turning back to Negan, I watched with focus as his weapon of choice came smashing down as he finished off the last corpse, bashing its head in repeatedly where it lay, until the fleshy mess splattered across the floor could no longer be identified. He stood tall and barely out of breath after such an ordeal, gazing upon Lucille with undeniable pride and possibly even lust as she oozed and dripped alarming amounts of blood. Just as he let out a heavy sigh, he turned his attention over to where I stood and smirked to himself as he realised that all this time, my eyes had been fixated on his body as I took in his every move and now there I stood, like a deer in the headlights with the rosiest shade of pink flushed upon my cheeks.

“You enjoying the show doll? I guess you could say I’m pretty fucking good at this too. Oh yeah. Me and my girl Lucille like to get _real_ dirty.”

“Yeah, you’re alright,” I shrugged, as I tried so very hard to maintain a serious expression, that within seconds faltered and the corners of my mouth turned upwards as the two of us, high from the adrenaline, erupted into laughter. Right then, the two of us shared a moment. A moment of admiration and appreciation of one another, with not one word leaving our lips and for once, no need to tease or taunt one another or continue this constant battle that we’d taken upon ourselves from day one. Instead, we stood alone with nothing but affection for one another upon our faces, our lips curled upwards into soft smiles and Negan’s eyes gave off a twinkle from across the room. But as all good things in this world come crashing to a halt, so did this, when the sweetness of the moment turned sour and I spied a shadow just beyond Negan’s tall frame coming into focus.

 “NEGAN!” I screamed in a shrill and panicked voice, as I quickly shoved him aside and threw myself forward towards one last remaining corpse that had emerged from the darkest corner of the room. Its broad, towering figure loomed towards me and for a minute, I struggled under the weight of it wrestling over me as its teeth rasped violently and came terrifyingly close to ripping in to my flesh. Had I really just sacrificed myself for a man no more than two weeks ago, I considered my gravest enemy? Had I _seriously_ just thrown myself into the belly of the beast, for him? No, this couldn’t be my defeat. This wouldn’t be how I would go down. I mustered up all the strength I had and fought off the disfigured, rotting walker, pushing it back against a wall and pinning it in place until finally, I dug my knife deep into the putrescent flesh upon its head. The walker’s eyes dimmed and its limbs became flaccid as it fell to the floor with a thud, and any threat the monster at my feet once posed had been eliminated.

The adrenaline consumed me, and left my body trembling as I caught my breath and tried desperately to steady myself. I turned to Negan who had been stood watching the entire struggle with wide eyes and eyebrows raised, his mouth now slightly ajar and a look of utter and complete shock upon his face.

“Fuck. You are fucking full of surprises aren’t you, doll,” he said between breaths, clearly shaken from the whole ordeal. This time, his voice lacked its usual condescending tone and there was no playfulness to it that I had become so used to, but instead he seemed awestruck and direct. And yet what happened next, I could never have predicted.

Lucille, still caked in human flesh, hit the floor with a loud thump and Negan quickly charged towards me with the wildest of looks in his dark, enticing eyes. His abrupt movement caught me off guard and I stumbled backwards until my lower back met the sharp edge of the store counter, all the while holding my breath. At first it crossed my mind that he might be angry, furious even that I had dared to assume he would ever need help from the likes of me. But then as he neared, I caught sight of his lustful, animalistic nature in his eyes, and in an instant one of his hands wrapped itself tightly around my waist as the other cupped my cheek firmly and his lips came crashing down onto my own. The touch of his lips was both passionate and rough, controlling my own as his tongue tasted mine causing it to tingle. I was weak. My entire body craved his every touch upon my skin. Our lips were hot on each other, consumed by the others rough and heated fight for dominance, until he lowered his to my neck and began trailing his kisses down to my collarbone, biting my flesh as he moved. My hands tugged tightly on his shirt pulling him closer into me, whilst his had moved from my waist only to ravish my body further, gripping every curve and soft spot on my body, squeezing my heaving breasts that yearned for the touch of his tongue. His fingers trailed down my body sending a tingle through my spine as they landed at my hips and he yanked eagerly at the belt looped into my jeans and unbuttoned them as he did. By this point, I was putty in his hands. My heavy breathing in his ear just spurred him on more, as I was truly ignited by the heat of this moment.  My hands had followed his lead and fallen from his chest down to where his denim jeans rubbed against my own and I could feel his hard erection pressing into my hip. I forced my lips against his again and took control of his tongue, as I gripped him tightly over the fabric of his jeans and felt myself become wetter as he groaned into the kiss. As soon as he felt my hands upon him, his own hand brushed against my stomach and pushed its way down through my underwear, until his tempting fingertips had reached the entrance between my legs. With his lips still colliding roughly against mine, his fingers refused to wait any longer and he gave no warning as he pushed straight through the wetness and thrust deep into my core. A soft moan left my lips and played right into his ear, which only spurred him to go faster and rougher with his fingers thrusting deep inside of me.

I was lost in how much I wanted him in that moment, and how much he wanted me as we both gave in to our yearning desires for one another. The heat and the exhilarating passion was more pleasurable than I had ever imagined.

How stupid. How… _idiotic_. How utterly foolish we had been, to not have heard approaching footsteps from deeper within the building.

But then, we did hear something. The unmistakable gut wrenching sound of a gun being cocked as its sight was aimed upon the two of us. The two of us jumped away from one another completely startled by the noise, and even more so to turn and see a hooded figure stood before us with the fate of our lives outstretched in his hands.

“Sorry to interrupt, Negan.” 


	27. Blood and Sweat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as usual, thank you all for the wait for this chapter and I hope it really does pay off that it's another long one. Just a warning though, there's a variation of adult content throughout this chapter so... 18+! You've been warned! Love you all, and love the comments! Thank you xo

The air around our heaving bodies had fallen cold and tense, and a deafening silence fell upon the room for what would possibly become my last few moments on this Earth. And how exactly had I chosen to spend those precious last moments? Wrapped in Negan’s burly arms, a despicably brutal killer who I had thus far devoted so much time and energy into hating, and yet he was not the one on the other side of that gun. He was not the one, _currently,_ threatening to end my life. Instead, Negan had jumped back from my body as soon as the man’s cold voice cut through the air, and he now stood frozen alongside me as we stared down the barrel of the gun awaiting our untimely end. All I could think of in that moment was of how much I still had left to do in this world, and the things I wished I would’ve said sooner to my loved ones. I would’ve told them not to be afraid, but to have courage in this cruel world. I would’ve told them to take pleasure in the little joys left in this life. Above all I would have told them all how much I loved each and every one of them, appreciated them and valued their presence in my life. It was quite possible I would never get the chance to speak those words again.

Once again, I was stood frozen and powerless before one single man who would ultimately decide upon my fate. The person stood only a few steps away from us, with his long brown hair tied neatly behind his ears and his dark coloured clothing adorned with a light layer of protective armour that covered his chest and legs, all dusted in a thin film of dirt. In fact, his attire wasn’t too dissimilar to much of what the Saviours wore the first night I met them. He couldn’t be one of them, _could he_?

“The fuck are you doing here, Kyle?” Negan finally addressed him in his usual harsh tone as he let out a disgruntled sigh, with his hands still laid before him in surrender. I could only stare at Negan with the upmost confusion as I watched the scene before me unravel.

“You know why I’m here,” he replied as he tightened his grip on the gun in his hand. “You think you can just get away with nearly killing my brother? I told you the day you beat him that I’d kill you, and here we are. I’ve waited a long time for this. I finally get to bring down the infamous Negan. It almost makes all the shit you put us through sorta worth it. _Almost._ ”

Negan scoffed to himself and I swear I saw the corners of his mouth peak upwards, showcasing his usual devil-may-care attitude.

“Oh yeah, that what you’re gonna do? Sounds like a fuckin’ stupid idea if you ask me. You know how many of my fucking men are out there? How the fuck, exactly did you plan to get out of here alive?”

The man’s jaw tensed as he gritted his teeth, and it appeared by the wavering of his once focused pupils that Negan’s words were having an effect on him, but instead of succumbing to the pressure of Negan’s questions, he instead diverted his attention towards me and pointed the gun in my direction as he gestured.  

“Who’s she? One of your wives? You must be into double digits by now.” But before Negan could open his mouth to speak, words fell from my own as I forced a little tremble and stuttered a response.

“N-no. No I’m not, I’m not one of his wives. He... kidnapped me, from my people.” His gun lowered ever so slightly, and he stood firmly ahead staring into my eyes as he tried to conceive my sincerity.

“Huh,” he said, barely raising any eyebrow. “Well, from the looks of it, you seem to be enjoying yourself in his company. Just like all the rest of them. What do they call it… Stockholm Syndrome? Yeah, I think so. Poor girl. You have no idea what he’s capable of, but it doesn’t matter now I guess.” And with that his arm raised sharply again as he centred the gun on my face and his finger grazed the trigger, threatening to send a bullet piercing through my skull.

“Wait!” Negan yelled out from beside me, with sheer desperation radiating throughout his raised voice. “Think about it Kyle. I already told you, you won’t make it out of here alive. My men won’t just fucking kill you, they’ll torture you. Fucking slaughter you. You and your brother, who I’m willing to bet is hidden away somewhere in this very fucking store, am I right? They’ll make it as slow and fucking painful as humanly possible. By the end of it, you’ll be wishing you pulled that gun on your brother and put him out of his god damn misery, before sending another right through your own fucking dimwitted brain.”

Negan’s words had ignited a fury deep within the man before us as his face practically contorted with rage, returning his aim back to Negan almost immediately after he spoke. This was it. This was how Negan was going to die. At the hands of some disgruntled acquaintance who seemed to share the same hatred towards the leader of the Saviours that pretty much anyone within a fifty mile radius also possessed. And was Negan scared? Was he trembling with fear and quaking in his boots at the prospect of his life about to come to a crashing halt? _Was he hell._ He didn’t so much as stutter or stumble on his words. In fact, in comparison to me he seemed calm, even cool and collected.

“Look,” he spoke up again. “Why don’t you just go. Get the fuck out of here, you and Alex, wherever he is, and I’ll radio my guys and give them the okay for you to walk out of here unharmed. Sounds like a pretty fair fucking deal to me. You know, in exchange for my life. And the girl’s.”

Silence, once again. Kyle’s lips pursed tightly shut and his eyes remained focused on Negan’s as he appeared to be contemplating his options. Surely he wouldn’t trust Negan’s word. He was currently holding a gun to Negan’s head and had been for at least the last ten minutes now. There’s no way you walk away from that alive. And yet after what felt like a lifetime of tension and nothing but the sound of our hearts beating furiously through our chests,, his eyes darted towards an exit behind him and his feet shuffled backwards by a few inches.

“Wait…” I said in the feeblest tone I could produce. His eyes sharply locked onto mine, gun still tightly clutched in his hand.

“T-take me with you. Please. Take me back to my people. We have a camp, we have food and water and electricity…”

“Are you fucking kidding m-“ Negan interrupted as he turned to me, brows furrowed in anger and furious in his tone as he could hardly believe I was bartering with the man before us, let alone for my release. But before I could even shoot a warning glare in his direction, he was cut off by a sudden ear shattering sound that rattled through the air, as a bullet was fired almost instantly at Negan’s feet. I couldn’t help but let out an involuntary yelp, as Negan faltered backwards, almost stumbling on one of the lifeless walkers piled upon the floor. After a second he regained his footing and held his hands high once again reiterating his surrender, an action that no doubt made him uncomfortable to his very core.

“Why?” Kyle questioned with caution once the room had fallen silent again, and he directed his attention back to me as I stood shaking before him.

“His men, his men beat me. Dwight, and a few others, I’ve got bruises all over my body. They try to touch me. And he’s never gonna let me go. Please, I’ve got a family, a baby. I have to get back to them,” I pleaded with absolute desperation in my tone. He was going to pull the trigger on one of regardless, _I knew that._ I'm pretty sure Negan knew that too, but he was trying at least - as was I.  I would tell every lie it took to spare my life and just get back to Alexandria, back to my people, and I would tell those lies well it seemed.

“You’re not with him, you’re not his wife?” he asked once more and I shook my head. His eyes all of a sudden seemed cloudy with uncertainty, and from the expression upon his face it was obvious that he was untrusting of me. And so he should be. He would be an idiot not to see through such a blatant façade.

_But please, please. Just take the bait…_

“Fine,” he sighed, as he lowered the gun and motioned for me to take my place behind him. I could hardly believe it. I was a stranger to him. He didn’t even know my name. You flutter your eyelashes and look real sad, mention a baby and a family, and people practically become putty in your hands. Was he really that naïve?

 _Was Negan_? From my position, almost hidden behind Kyle’s frame, I was able to gaze directly into Negan’s dark and brooding eyes that had been locked on my own all the while Id spoke. I’d seen that look far too many times for my liking. _Betrayal._ Only a minute ago, Negan had been negotiating terms to spare not only his own, but my life also. And yet here I stood before him, alongside his enemy, ready to walk out the door with not so much as a thank you or goodbye. Of course his face held a sombre expression, but not for one minute did he seem surprised.

“I guess it’s every man for himself, huh doll?” he spoke quietly, as a saddened smile crept upon his face. It felt like his soulful and unforgiving eyes had been staring me down for a lifetime at this point, as I continued to evade eye contact and instead simply shuffled on the spot.

But just as I had begun to relish the lack of any immediate danger looming over me, I was brought swiftly back to reality as just ahead of me, Kyle swung his arms up once more and aimed the gun once more on Negan’s temple, only this time I was certain that he intended once and for all to end a life.

“I’m sorry Negan…” he muttered, at a barely audible level, as his finger slid from the grip of the gun and covered the trigger, ready to clutch it inwards and send a bullet flying through the air. I didn’t have time to think. I didn’t have time to process what was happening, or what I was doing. It just… happened - my natural instincts had kicked in. Adrenaline had rushed through my veins and my breathing became rapid as I sprang into action, all from the sight of that gun directed right between Negan’s eyes. In that moment, I twisted my arm behind my back to where the last of my knives lay deeply tucked into my jeans, released it from where it had been snuggly hidden away out of sight, and lurched forward wrapping my arm around the man’s body as I pressed the cool metal of the blade against the flesh of his neck.

“Drop it. Drop the gun,” I commanded.

Negan, in typical Negan fashion, shook his head in disbelief at the scene before him, before letting out an amused chuckle to himself and clasping his hands together in delight as he continued to watch on intently. But Kyle’s hands still remained prized to the gun, and for a moment I doubted he would dare to release his grip, allowing the gun to fall to the floor. What would I do then? What if he killed Negan anyway? Kill him? Deliver him to the Saviours? _Let him go_? But after a moment’s hesitation, his hands began to tremble and he complied, as the loud thud of metal hitting the floor signalled his defeat and that I, ultimately, had won. I was in control, and he was at my mercy.

“Stupid whore,” he spat. “You aren’t gonna kill me, you…”

_Idiot. It didn't have to be like this._

In one swift motion I twisted the knife skilfully in my palm and felt the pressure on my fingertips as I scored the blade deep into his pulsing skin, severing his jugular vein as I glided the metal through his tender flesh and let his thick blood pour from the cut, soaking his body and mine. As the life left his body, he spluttered and coughed, consumed in his own blood and desperately gasping for his last few breaths of air, before his body fell to the floor hard, collapsing by my feet.

All was silent for a moment, as the pool of blood collecting around my boots and staining the tiles beneath me grew greater and greater, until all that could be seen was an unsettling shade of crimson. That is, until a loud boom erupted from the back of the room as a closet door flung open and out stumbled a young man with fear swept over his face. He scampered out hastily, his body flailing as he climbed over the contents that had spilled at his feet, and made a quick escape for a nearby door leading out of the building. Just as Negan had anticipated, the man who I could only presume was Kyle’s brother, had been lurking in the darkest corners of the room and was now running for his life.

“Simon?” Negan’s voice broke the silence as he raised the radio clipped to his belt and questioned assertively through the static. “Just had a little run in with Kyle. No sight of the guns. Little prick Alex has just run out the back of the store, you better fucking tell me you got that little bastard.”

There was a pause, followed by a confirmation.

“Yeah, sir. We got him.” Negan let out a sigh of relief, and finally turned back to where I stood.  

“What the fucking fuck, darlin’. I didn’t fucking think you had it in you,” he said with a hearty grin that I was unable to reciprocate. His smile lasted only a moment though, before it was wiped from his face and his tone turned serious once more as he sensed that I was far from a lighthearted mood.

“What the fuck was that Negan? Who were those guys?” I demanded an answer from him, an explanation that would justify the life that I had just brutally ended. _But did it really matter?_ It was done.

“Kyle and Alex Diggins,” he said with another sigh, as he ran a tired hand over his face. “Took those fuckers in a while ago when we found them swarmed with rotters out on a run, holed up in some shitty little cabin. Took their shit, and let them stay with us and work for us – but that never sat right with them. Guess they didn’t exactly… _approve_ of the way I run things and handle business. So one day, when I catch that sorry fuck Alex there, who just ran out of here like he shit his fucking pants, stealing from my men? Well, he had to be fucking punished. I beat the holy shit out of that kid, and his brother Kyle was not best fucking pleased. Next thing I know, those bastards had not only taken off from the Sanctuary, leaving without so much as a goodbye note, but they left with a whole fucking load of our guns and ammo too. You remember I said me and the guys had been out here looking for some something? Yeah, well. We just fucking found it, doll. That shit, I will not fucking tolerate.”

Suddenly it all seemed to make sense. Today, a brother and a thief seeking vengeance for a loved one, had unfortunately pulled a gun on the wrong girl, and now he lay as nothing but a stained mess upon the floor. I simply offered a smile, accompanied by an understanding nod towards Negan.

“C’mon. Let’s get out of here. You need a fucking shower after all of that shit,” he jested, with a wide grin upon his face. _Charming as ever,_ I thought. But Negan was right. I hadn’t noticed just how badly I’d been covered in another man’s blood until now, when I looked down to my once clean clothing that had now become so heavily saturated that they were clinging uncomfortably to my body. Drenched in red, I was a perfect depiction of a horror movie scene.

I nodded, and the two of us began readying ourselves to leave. He searched around and grabbed his leather jacket from the floor that I had so eagerly slipped from his body, and searched for Lucille who had been slung to the ground prior to the almost embarrassing teenage make-out session we had been consumed in before all this mess. As he did so, I gathered the remainder of my knives and tucked them into my side safely, whilst scanning the room for any resources we had initially hoped to find. And then I was reminded of the most valuable asset in the room once more, as it caught my sights from where it had fallen upon the ground. I leaned down to the floor where the dead man’s gun still lay and retrieved it for myself, admiring it as I tucked it tightly into the denim around my hips. But it seemed that my actions had not gone unnoticed, as Negan had taken a few steps towards me and watched with his eyebrows raised sceptically and an amused grin upon his face. Without uttering a word, he outstretched his arm and held his gloved hand open as he so smugly demanded the weapon for himself.

“Finders keepers,” I said playfully, all the while looking up at him with what I hoped were doe-like innocent eyes.

“I don’t fucking think so, doll,” he laughed back. So cocky and arrogant, and yet it worked so well for him. I took a few steps closer to him and lessened the distance between our bodies, before eyeing his figure up and down and smiling in a both sweet and seductive manner as I spoke.

“A minute ago, these hands of yours were writhing away at my jeans, pushing their way eagerly inside of me, and now you’re worried that if I have a gun, I might kill you? You give me too much credit, Negan.”

 

 

The sky was dark and the hour late by the time we set foot on common soil, all of us tired and weary from an exhausting raid, desperate to rest our aching bodies. The yard was fairly vacant at this time, with only the men standing guard to greet us and a few lingering bodies that stared in our direction as we made our way inwards. What a sight we must’ve made as we trudged through the gates of the Sanctuary, lugging the fruits of our labour behind us, looking beaten down and covered in human remains from the many walkers slaughtered during our ventures. I in particular seemed to leave a few of the men standing speechless, with their mouths agape and eyes fretful as they feasted their eyes on my blood stained attire. But Negan wasted no time at all ushering me through the compound and up the stairs to his quarters, where I made quick on his suggestion of a steaming hot shower.

As I stepped into the warm stream of water that rained down on me, my shoulders seemed heavy from the weight of a long, burdened day resting upon them, and I was all too relieved to rid my body of the soaked garments and cleanse the blood and dirt from my skin. What a luxury it was to rid your body of the toxins of the day. I must’ve stayed under that steady stream of water for almost an hour, feeling every drop glide over my tender skin. Eventually, I pulled myself from the pressured water and wrapped myself in a towel as I dried off my body, before changing into an oversized t-shirt Negan had left out for me.

Back in his room, Negan loitered around his desk where he had carefully been cleaning Lucille, stripping down to just his t-shirt and jeans whilst he waited and watched intently as I made my way through the room once more. I stopped before the large discoloured mirror just by his set of drawers, and stared at the reflection before me vacantly as I dried the ends of my dripping hair. It was always hardest, facing yourself, after a day like today. But I always made a habit of it.

 _Look yourself in the eyes, Y/N. Remember who you are._ _You are a fighter, a survivor._

But my thoughts were soon interrupted, and my eyes broke from their trance as I spotted Negan’s figure approaching in the mirror, soon feeling the warmth from his body radiating onto mine from behind. His rough hands reached up and carefully placed upon my shoulders, caressing their way down my arms until they made their way to my hips and gripped gently. Then, I felt the hot breath from his lips warm the flesh on my neck as his mouth neared my skin, raising hairs and sending shivers down my spine. His lips met my skin as he kissed the crook of my neck passionately, and for a moment my entire body began to feel weak. But almost instinctively, I snapped my neck away from him and darted my eyes towards the floor. I don’t know why I did it. My body yearned for him. His lips, his tongue, his hands, his… and yet I just couldn’t stop myself from raising my defences. Negan’s face shifted as he grew tired and irritated with my evasion.

“Alright doll. Let's have it. What the fuck is going on with you?” he questioned in a raised voice, barely masking the irritation in his tone as he turned my body to face him and menacingly peered down into my eyes.

“One minute you hate me, fucking despise me as you once put it. You’re threatening to kill me and tear my sorry ass limb from fucking limb. And the next? Fuck. You’re staring and watching me in that way you do, can barely keep your eyes off me, and we’re fucking hitting it off all of a sudden. Your pretty little lips are all over me and hell, I’m all over you too. And I can see you fucking want it, yeah, I’m fucking sure of it. Just today you stopped a walker from turning me into a fucking three course meal, just to end up with my fingers deep in your pussy and your hand rubbing my cock like you couldn’t fucking wait for another taste, and then – you go and save my fucking ass _again_ from some maniac with a fucking death wish. But what’s that? Then it’s back to fucking hating me again, ready to spit venom in my face like you can’t fucking stand to set your eyes on me anymore or even be in the same room as me. So what the fuck is going on, doll? Which is it? Cause it started out real fucking cute, but you’re giving me some serious fucking blue balls here.”

“I…” I stumbled, caught speechless after Negan’s outburst and unable to put any words together that would form any credible sentence. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to do any of this. I keep telling myself how wrong this is, but… I like you, for some stupid fucking reason that I can’t even make sense of. But god damn, I fucking hate you too. Hate you with every fibre of my being. And I don’t know why the fuck I’m drawn to you, but I am. I shouldn’t be, but I am.”

Negan remained unusually silent for a moment, before the most wicked grin developed on his face as he relished every word I had uttered in his favour.

“Well, what can I say sweetheart. I truly am fucking irresistible. You practically said so yourself,” he boasted with the upmost arrogance, still grinning away to himself. “But what about Da-“

“Don’t.” I cut him off abruptly, and swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat as I tried my best to dismiss that which I was all too aware of. “I know what you’re going to say. And the answer is… I don’t know what’s happening with him. I guess I’ll see when I get back there.” Negan’s smirk faltered, and for a moment was replaced with a disappointed frown.

“I’m still going back there, Negan,” I asserted. “No matter what’s happened so far, or what happens in these next few days. You’ve got your wives, and I’ve got my family. That much hasn’t changed.”

“Okay,” he said whilst nodding briefly.

“Okay…?”

“That’s what I fucking said, doll. So…” Negan’s mischievous smile had begun to develop once more, as he flashed his dashingly white teeth and his eyes twinkled, as he took a few slow steps towards me and stopped mere inches from my body. His hands raised up to my face which he held firmly between his fingers, and he pulled my lips into a warm, passionate kiss that sent my legs trembling. “Now that we’ve established that you _do_ in fact fucking want me, and pretty badly as a matter of fact. How about we…” he said cockily, allowing his words to trail off once again as his lips came crashing down onto my skin as he softly caressed my flesh, nibbling playfully as he made his way down my neck while  his hands draped down from my face, grazing my collar and rested at my chest where he began to grope and tease my already eager breasts.

“You…” I laughed breathily, struggling to concentrate on my words as his touch sent electrifying sparks shooting through my body. “You, are relentless, Negan.”

“C’mon doll. Let’s enjoy each other’s company while it lasts.”

I stared into his inviting dark eyes for a moment, biting my lower lip as I took in the sight of his ruffled thick hair, gorgeously handsome smile and salt and pepper beard, but there was no denying just how turned on I was and before long, I had given in once and for all, pushing myself forward and allowing our lips to collide and ravage one another’s. Like two animals, our bodies wrestled for dominance until his impressive frame persisted and roughly slammed my back into the cold, hard wall as he closed his figure in on me. His hands became wild and full of burning desire as they fell to my hips, slid under my t-shirt and gripped the curves of my body excitedly, whilst he prized the garment upwards from my body and began to remove his own, kicking off his dark denim jeans eagerly. The sight of my almost naked body before his once more released the most primal of instincts within him. His eyes filled with a lustful hunger and his lips began darting all over my body as if in overdrive, causing a gentle moan to escape my lips and my body to tingle and arch forward at every soft touch of his lips on my sensitive skin. Every inch of my being ached and trembled for him, and the wetness between my legs was becoming unbearable.

His hands began to slick their way down my body, leaving a trail of goose bumps as he moved, until his fingers reached between my legs and delicately grazed the folds between my thighs. With the smirk on his face pressing hot against my skin, he delicately pulled the sheer, silky fabric of my underwear to one side and skilfully slid two fingers through the wetness and deep inside my walls where he began thrusting vigorously and leaving my breathless.

“Fuck. You are so fucking wet for me doll,” he grumbled as he tore his lips away from my tender flesh, and my fingers dug deep into his broad shoulders. His deeply masculine voice drove me wild at the best of times, but in that moment I was unable to resist and soon found my own hands exploring for themselves. They started around his neck, gripping him tightly, until they drifted downwards as I lightly grazed my nails through his rugged chest hair, and finally landed at his waist where they prized their way between the fabric of his underwear and gripped Negan’s bulging erection that had been digging into my thigh. Negan let out a husky groan as my fingers wrapped around him and slid back and forth massaging his shaft, driving him to thrust his fingers even more furiously in and out of me as he bit down on my flesh.

After a minute, the fullness inside driving me wild slowly disappeared as Negan removed his soaking wet fingers and left me feeling empty, craving him back inside of me. His hands gripped my hips as he proceeded to guide my body to his nearby bed where I soon fell back upon and stared up at him towering over me. With an endearing smile plastered across his face, he raised his fingers to his mouth and tantalisingly licked the juices from his skin, before throwing his body on top of mine and crashing his lips into my own, with his tongue darting in and out of my mouth eager for another taste.

His lusciously soft lips caressed my own, before leaving them wanting as he trailed them down the slender column of my neck and down to my longing breasts where he circled each pert nipple with his wet tongue sending my body into overdrive, tugging and teasing them as my body squirmed with pleasure. His hands lightly grazed them as he slid them down to my waist and lowered himself down to my damp, quivering thighs, playfully kissing his way down until his tongue met my entrance now pooling with desire. In an instant his tongue pushed firmly against me, sliding its way through my folds and dipping in and out of my opening as he savoured the taste of my pleasure. As his hands reached under my thighs and lifted one up, propping it over his muscle-bound shoulders, his tongue darted upwards to my clit where the tip teased and circled, sending ripples of pleasure surging through my body.

My fingers gripped the sheets beneath me, tightly scrunching the fabric between my fingers as my body writhed from the powerful sensation that threatened to consume me, and I let out a whimpering moan.

“Negan..” I panted.

At the desperate sound of my voice Negan removed himself from between my shaking thighs and pulled himself on top of me, as he grabbed his impressive manhood in his hands and poised the tip at my entrance, circling it as he teased my eager lips apart.

“Let me fucking hear you say it doll. What do you want me to do?” he growled lowly in my ear.

This time, barely a second passed before I wrapped one hand around his neck, dug my nails into his skin and dragged him closer to me as I begged and pleaded for him.

“I want it Negan. Please, just fuck me.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, Negan jammed himself into me with a forceful thrust, barely giving me a chance to adjust to his massive cock that filled me to the hilt. I moaned out loudly, gasping for breath as he thrust himself in and out of me with the most pleasurable rhythm and he looked down at me with the greatest of satisfactions. As he drove his hips forward fast and hard, practically slamming me down into the mattress with one euphoric motion after another, my body closed tightly around him and I threw back my head as I neared the edge, consumed in profound pleasure. His lips pushed down on mine once more and his tongue tingled against mine whilst I continued to moan into his lips, spurred on as I felt the warmth of his firm grip placed around my neck. Shocking waves of pleasure sizzled within me as an exciting pressure built up and released, causing my vision to blur white as I was corrupted by a shattering climax. I groaned loudly in Negan’s ear and let out a sharp cry as my tight walls convulsed around him, still lost in my senses as his motions sped up and his cock still furiously pounding in and out of my wet core hardened. Through gritted teeth he groaned with pleasure into my neck, as his thick member stiffened and throbbed deep within me, spilling his hot mess inside me as he finally found release.

After a moment, Negan untangled himself from between my legs and threw himself down beside me as we both laid there, breathing still ragged as we came down from an exhilaratingly euphoric high. Beads of sweat glistened over our bodies and I had become sensitive to the touch, jumping slightly when Negan’s hands gently placed themselves around my hips and his body pressed up against mine, turning us both onto our side. His warm lips pecked at the delicate flesh on my shoulders and I felt the motion of a smile creeping over his face against my skin.

“Fucking hell, sweetheart. We are definitely doing that again.”


	28. Good Morning, Negan

The following morning approached fast, and it wasn’t long before the rustling and bustling of Saviours on the floors below, with their raised voices and heavy equipment being dragged across the floor disturbed me from an all too desirable sleep. My eyes slowly prized themselves open and flitted around the room as I adjusted to my surroundings that were now absorbed in vast amounts of light. We must’ve been nearing midday, as the room was well lit by now from the bright sun shining through the curtains, warming the space around us. Our aching bodies were truly exhausted from the previous day’s events and it appeared that the two of us had overslept marginally.

I tried desperately to roll back over and fall into a comforting sleep, alongside Negan who lay still and silent beside me, but with every growing noise beneath us I became more and more alert and soon gave up on getting in an extra hour’s slumber. I tossed and I turned and couldn’t help but stir, but just as I lifted my body from the mattress, I felt Negan’s warm arms wrap tightly around my body, pulling me closely towards him.

“Hey,” he grumbled sleepily. “Stay for a bit.” His heavy hands caressed their way up from my hips, running up the curve of my waist and stopped when they eventually reached my neck, parting the hair that had messily fallen around it and exposing my soft skin for his taking. His hot breath heightened the hairs on my skin as he began slowly and passionately pressing kisses on the tender nape of my neck and down my bare shoulder, and his hands once more dropped down to my hips with his fingertips eagerly encroaching inwards.

“Haven’t you got big bad Negan things to do?” I laughed, but couldn’t help lightly pressing my body backwards into him as his touch ignited a desire within me.

“It can wait,” he mumbled with a smirk upon his face, wasting no time as with his firm hands he twisted my body towards him and leaned over me, taking in the raw sight beneath him as his eyes gave off an alluring twinkle. Seeing Negan like this was almost a privilege, and I doubt many had such fortune to witness it. He didn’t at all give off the fearsome, menacing persona that he had adopted oh so well these days, but instead seemed honest and sincere, even pleasant to be around. He even looked different, with his fluffy and dishevelled hair from the previous night’s sleep, the gentle and inviting smile on his lips and his eyes still low and hazy as they squinted in the daylight. I’d even say he looked… beautiful.

_Beautiful? Yeuck, can you hear yourself Y/N?!_

_[GIF OF NEGAN KISSING, SEE BDAY IMAGINE]_

Thankfully my thoughts were interrupted, as Negan’s warm body pressed against my own before he captured my mouth with his lips as he enjoyed every sweet taste of my tongue on his. He darted his way downwards, kissing his way past the sweet spot just under my jawline and nibbling his way playfully down my neck, as my body arched beneath him eagerly.

“Negan…” I fake protested, although even then it was obviously unconvincing.

“C’mon doll, don’t pretend you didn’t like it. You fucking _loved_ it. Couldn’t stop squirming underneath me whilst you moaned my fucking name. Now _that_ – is a fucking sound I’d like to hear again. What d’ya say?” he growled, gripping his fingertips across my breasts as he passed them, all the while leaving a trail of tender kisses down my body as he neared my waistline.

“I’ll have you screaming my fucking name in no time,” he whispered, as he gently led a finger over my soft skin until it rested between my thighs, delicately teasing through the thin fabric of my underwear. “All I have to do is -“

_THUD, THUD, THUD._

All of a sudden I jumped from the sheets startled, when the most thunderous knock rang out across the room as it pounded down upon Negan’s door proving an effective interruption. His eyes rolled back as he let out a frustrated sigh and with an almighty raised voice, he yelled out aggressively.

“What the fucking fuck is it?! This better be god damn fucking important!”

“It’s P-Paul, sir,” came a feeble stuttering voice from behind the door. “It’s twelve, the meeting… everyone’s ready for you, sir.” Negan’s head dipped and rested against my waist that he had been so hopefully cradling in his hands, as he let out a loud irritable sigh and muttered a profanity under his breath.

“Alright. Tell ‘em to sit tight, I’m on my way,” he called out, and the trembling voice behind the door dwindled away as we heard the sound of footsteps disappearing down the long hallway. As he propped himself up and perched himself upon the edge of the bed, I watched the disgruntled expression upon his face intently while he quickly began clothing himself.

“Everything okay?” I dared to question.

“Everything’s fine,” he said abruptly dismissing me, as he rummaged for his precious Lucille, gripping her tightly as he came into contact with her thick wooden base, before adorning his figure with his usual smart leather jacket and throwing on his slick black boots. Everything certainly was _not_ fine, that much was clear from his abrupt change of mood that now seemed irate and sour.

“What’s going on Negan?”

“Nothing. Don’t ask fucking questions,” he snapped, and made his way towards the door. “I’ll find you later.” And with that, he slammed the heavy door behind him and left me alone, wondering what on earth had come over him that caused his mood to turn foul so quickly. _Reality check, Y/N –_ this is Negan we’re talking about. He lives in fucked up little Negan-land, where temperatures run hot and cold sporadically, all because he fucking says so.

I quickly brushed the thought from my head, not wishing to dwell on it a moment longer and instead, busied myself with getting dressed and making myself somewhat presentable for another day ahead in the Sanctuary, hopefully a little less eventful than yesterday’s graphic adventures. From the nearby mahogany drawers, I pulled out a pair of tight stonewashed denim jeans and a khaki green tank top, throwing them on along with the pair of dark army boots scattered at the foot of the bed. I quickly freshened up my face with a quick splash of cool water, brushed through my long tousled hair and exited Negan’s room, making my way down through the compound.

No sign of his royal highness. _Probably for the best,_ I thought to myself, as I scampered down the flight of stairs and made a beeline for the cafeteria where kitchen workers hummed while they eagerly prepped for dinner. How had I gotten this far through the day without a fix of coffee? _Oh yeah_ , I had Negan to thank for that. After a few minutes, and with a steaming cup of hot black coffee warming the palms of my hands, I headed outside away from the dimly lit walls and uninviting interiors of the Sanctuary. The intoxicating smell of fresh air and the wooded area that encased us filled my lungs, and I let out the deepest sigh of satisfaction as I strode over to a nearby bench for another day’s intriguing session of people watching.  

To my delight, I’d spent most of the day pleasantly uninterrupted, watching the usual members of the Sanctuary, a few of whose faces were becoming uncomfortably familiar for my liking, as they hustled on with their daily duties. There was the thin, thickly haired man who raked the endless amounts of leaves scattering the yard, minding his own business as he avoided interaction from those who passed by him. He looked far too timid and nervous for a place as demanding as this. Then there were the men, _Negan’s men._ They strode through the yard with their abhorrent sense of privilege and ownership, degrading anyone they deemed beneath them that dared cross their path as they boisterously readied themselves and left for yet another collection. And finally, there were the few men who patrolled the perimeter, focused as they watched on at all times, their bodies secured with an impressive amount of shielding and weapons that would deter even the bravest of opponents.

Like I said, another _exhilarating_ day ahead. And while yesterday had been a welcome break from these seemingly mundane days, finally allowing me to release a wealth of built up frustration - a small part of me was thankful that I had only a few more days such as these left on the horizon. As I thought more and more of my time here, and my encroaching departure, it dawned upon me that while I didn’t relish the idea of staying on here and becoming more and more accustom to their brutish ways and savage means of survival, I wasn’t entirely excited about returning home. How could I be? I was worried, and almost fearful of what I would be returning to. The prospect of picking things up from the more than messy way things had been left was, well… off-putting, to say the least.

But that was an issue I preffered to deal with as it approached, and instead I banished the thought from my head and locked eyes onto the few men I’d actually become somewhat acquaintances with during my stay here. On the other side of the yard, sat Nathan and Ian tucked into a picnic bench, conversing as they snacked away on whatever treasures they’d purchased with their precious points-based currency.

“Hey, Y/N,” Nathan called over between bites of his food as he caught sight of me approaching.

“Hey. You guys doing okay?” I asked with a smile as I sat alongside Nathan.

“Better than you from the looks of it,” Ian said with a concerned tone, as he gestured towards me with one eyebrow raised, and motioned towards my neck with his hands. “You get scratched or something?”

“What?” I questioned cluelessly, but then it dawned on me what exactly Ian was drawing attention to. _Shit._ Negan had left his mark upon me with a series of small love bites detailing one side of my neck, which I quickly disguised as I pulled a few long strands of hair forward concealing any evidence of our heated encounter. Both of the men watched on as I became flustered under pressure and thought fast for an adequate lie to excuse the reddened blotches upon my skin.

“Oh uh, no. It’s just an anxiety rash. I get them sometimes when I get stressed or whatever. Must be from this place…”

“Yeah I’ll bet,” Nathan said as he laughed off my response. “Nothing to do with that run you went on yesterday, huh?”

“You guys heard about that?”

“Heard you kicked some ass more like it,” Ian responded, clearly impressed from the tales he’d been told. “Whole place was buzzing about it the second you guys got back. Said you tore down a good few walkers, said you came back drenched head to toe in blood too. That true?”

“Yeah,” I shrugged off in an attempt to dismiss any attention they directed towards me. “Blood and guts, you name it. Just walkers. Never thought I’d get the smell of them off my skin.”  

“Yeah that’s something I haven’t missed,” Nathan smiled sympathetically. “Speaking of which, we better get back to work. Can’t have the boss man thinking we’re getting lazy now. Was nice catching up with ya.” And with that the two men rose from their seats and began clearing away their possessions before them, effectively ending our already short encounter. But just as they prepared to leave, this morning’s encounter with Negan sparked into my mind once again and I called on them once more as curiosity got the better of me.

“Speak of the devil, real quick, have you guys seen Negan today?” The two men looked between one another and shifted uncomfortably before me as I questioned them.

“Yeah uhm, he’s been busy.”

“What does that mean? Is he out on a run or something?”

“Nah, Sanctuary stuff. He’s… I… I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you,” James said with an uncertainty in his tone, as he and Ian gave me a final nod and turned their backs to me, mumbling to one another as they disappeared out of sight. Something wasn’t right, and after such a dismissive response from the two men, I found myself feeling unsettled and overly suspicious, a feeling that lingered within me all throughout the evening. _What was Negan up to?_  

It wasn’t until later that night, when the sky had turned midnight black and the stars were scattered sparsely that I was able to finally distract my wandering mind. My eyes were growing heavy with every passing minute after I had slipped beneath Negan’s empty sheets, along with one of the newly acquired books that had been placed at the foot of his desk. Seven chapters in and finally I heard a disturbance in the nearby halls, followed by the noisy opening of doors and Negan himself stumbling through the room, his body looking exhausted and limp. After this morning’s very much touch and go encounter, I made sure not to pay him any attention or cause him any aggravation, and instead resumed perusing the pages before me. He on the other hand had stolen numerous sly glances, as he made his way over to the corner of the room and rummaged through his trusty liquor cabinet, from which he prized a bottle of scotch, poured himself a hefty drink and downed in an instant. Turning to face me, Negan began undressing, all the while a mischievous smirk developed upon his face.

“Well, if it isn’t my fucking lady of leisure. You look fucking cosy there, doll,” he sniggered, as he playfully pounced on the bed, crawling his way up beside me while he looked on with dark, lustful eyes. His rough hands grazed my slender legs, slowly running their way up my thighs as they gently tickled my skin until a swift motion from my hands found myself batting his fingers away.

“C’mon Negan, I’m reading.” I tried to sound sincere, _I really did._ I even tried hiding my flushed cheeks behind the pages of the book I held high to my face. And yet it wasn’t quite enough to deter him, as he let out a slight chuckle to himself before his second attempt at swaying me. His hands guided their way up my soft skin once again, only this time accompanied by the tender touch of his lips as they kissed and playfully nibbled their way up my inner thigh. With one hand Negan yanked the book from my palms and tossed it carelessly across the room, before wrapping his thick arms around my legs and pulling me closer into him as I let out a quiet giggle.

“You _were_ reading,” Negan asserted with a cocky grin in between his delicate kisses that had gradually made their way all across my aching body. Well… _here goes round two._  

 


	29. Listen Up, Little Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait but I'm dealing with some pretty shitty real world commitments at the moment. Either way, here it is! Warning, this chapter contains graphic content that some readers may find distressing.

“Negan? What the hell are you doing up?” I mumbled hazily, as I turned in the satin sheets barely covering my body and squinted through heavy eyes at Negan, now lazily perched on the edge of the mattress. It couldn’t have been later than five or six in the morning, judging from the darkness of the room and barely visible surroundings, not to mention the eerie quietness consuming the building. And yet there he sat, awake and slowly motivating himself to get dressed for the day. Whatever happened to lie ins and lazy days? You’d think you’d get an occasional day off now that the world had gone to shit, but oh no, not in this place.

“Go back to sleep, doll,” he muttered, but with the loud clattering and fumbling noises he had been poorly trying to conceal, I was now frustratingly awake and left questioning why.

“Where are you going?”

As Negan straightened out the black, short sleeved t-shirt atop his chest, and buttoned up the dark denim jeans wrapped around his waist, he rose to his feet and stood for a moment towering over the bed where I lay. Even in the barely lit room, I could still faintly make out the outline of the subtle smile already spread across his lips. He leaned into the bed, hovering his body over my own as he looked into my widening eyes and allowed that gentle smile to develop with wicked intentions.

“I’ve got big bad Negan things to do, remember?” he said practically licking his lips, before leaning into me closer until his salt and pepper stubble grazed my skin and his soft lips collided against mine, this time offering a tender but passionate kiss upon my lips. “I’ll be back for you later.”

Was that it? One half-hearted smile in return for Negan’s evasive manoeuvres and that was in fact that, as he simply topped his shoulders with his thick, dark leather jacket, gripped Lucille tightly in a gloved hand and disappeared from the room, whistling an upbeat tune as he made his way through the halls. Meanwhile, I was left in the cold silence of his private quarters, both equal measures concerned for what he was hiding, but also too tired to care. Rubbing my sleepy eyes a little with absolute exhaustion, I wrapped myself in an arrangement of sheets and blankets before dozing off for a little extra, and absolutely necessary, shut eye. 

It wasn’t until a few hours later that I woke, finding myself stirring amongst the delicate fabric once more. That irritable restlessness was shortly followed by incessant wandering and fumbling throughout Negan’s personal space as I practically scanned the room for clues of his whereabouts and shady activity. For once, my usual thought pattern did not involve questioning what another day in this place might entail, what would be for lunch or how fast my legs could carry me down those stairs for a gracious cup of coffee. No, those thoughts were sure to allude me today. All I could think about was whatever hidden activity Negan was currently engaging in. There was most certainly something afoot. Perhaps he was sneaking off to be with his actual wives, and had grown bored of the nuisance girl from Alexandria? Or maybe it had become quite the opposite and he was developing a means of keeping me here longer? What if this was something to do with people back home, and that’s why he’d chosen to keep this from me? Question after question flooded my mind, unrelenting and working me up into such a state. Even my legs felt restless and jittery, as I perused the subject again and again, exploring all possibilities as to what secrets were being kept and concealed from my prying eyes. And again, as I idly wandered through the halls of the building, which were somewhat more vacant that usual, I couldn’t shake off my suspicions. I just couldn’t let it go. _Curiosity killed the cat, Y/N. Don’t get sucked in,_ I told myself _._ But what could the man possibly have to hide? I’d seen the gruesome murders with my very own eyes, I’d seen first-hand the extent of his punishments, and I’d seen the cruellest side of him. Surely there was nothing more?

“Y/N?” A voice from across the dinner table drew me away from my inner ramblings.

“Hmm?”

“Didn’t you hear me?” James questioned, as he tucked into his lunch, shovelling every mouthful of potato and gravy into his mouth with undeniable eagerness. “Was just sayin’, you must be countin’ down the days till you’re back home now, eh? Can’t be long now.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. It’s tomorrow actually. You guys getting sick of me or somethin’?” I smiled, and let a little laugh escape my lips as he and Ian sat just to my right noticeably began flustering for a response. But the sweetness of that moment was soon cut short, thanks to one of the ugliest, bald-headed Saviours making his way through the canteen. This man in particular, _hilarious as it was_ , made his way over and for his own amusement, set out to shove my body as he passed by, causing me to spill the glass of orange juice I had just raised to my mouth all over my lap, adding a certain citrus appeal to my scent as the liquid soaked down the length of my jeans. _Nice one, asshole._

 _“Fan-fucking-tastic,”_ I grumbled, leaping from my seat and shaking myself down.

“Shit. You got spare clothes?” Ian asked as he briefly scanned over my drenched clothing

“Yeah. I better go get changed. I’ll be right back…” and with that parting comment I tossed my empty meal tray and glass aside before leaving the room of sneering idiots.

[GIF ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]

I only hoped and prayed that in my short journey from the dinner hall to the top floor, I wouldn’t have the misfortune of running into Dwight. How hilarious that would be, for him to make some form of crude comment along the lines of me not quite making it to the bathroom in time. _I’ll pass on that._ Still grumbling and complaining under my breath I made my way through the compound, but as I ventured deeper into the building, I heard a noise that was sure to stop me in my tracks. Just as I reached the bottom of the stairwell, with one hand on the cool wooden banister ready to ascend, the most distressing sound of a voice crying out in pain echoed through the hallway, followed by a harsh metal door slamming shut. Someone was hurt, possibly from fighting or worse – a walker bite. Should I have found them and offered to help? _Would_ I have even helped? After all these men had put my friends and family through, why would I bother? A bunch of snivelling, brutally-minded, idiotic men. I vowed never to save one of their lives, never to prolong the misery that they put unto others, but I’d be lying if I said leaving someone to potentially die didn’t bother me. Holding my breath, I stood frozen for a minute or two leering down into the long, dark corridor, watching intently for any signs of distress. But the floor had fallen silent, uncomfortably so, and so I made the quick decision to scurry up the stairs, hurriedly making my way into Negan’s room to change from the damp denim clinging to my legs.

Just as I had expected, there was no sight of Negan in his room or of him ever having returned since he left that morning. His _big bad Negan duties_ must’ve called for him elsewhere, most likely to one of his other Sanctuary outposts or points of income. Meanwhile his precious Sanctuary was being ruled by complete morons and its members’ cries were haunting the fucking building, no doubt distressing anybody actually sane living in those halls. What if he wasn’t out on a run or collection, but just avoiding me for whatever reason? I scoffed aloud to myself. The idea was downright laughable, and I dismissed it almost immediately. It hardly seemed like the kind of childish game Negan would even waste his time and energy on, especially when it lacked the ‘sick and twisted’ appeal he so badly seemed to favour. Quickly I changed into dry clothing, and cautiously made my way back down the floors, with intentions of loitering in the rec room or wandering aimlessly outside. At this point I was well in need of anything that would prove a worthy distraction to the odd goings on in this place, until of course I heard that dreadful cry again. Cry was perhaps a rather inaccurate term, as this time it seemed to be more of a groan or wail that echoed throughout the building, much clearer and of a greater volume this time around, as the spine chilling desperation rang out for all to hear. How I wished my feet had remained firm upon that floor, or at least have taken the easier route that led outdoors, away from the chaos I was sure to find. I certainly shouldn’t have been considering tiptoeing down that vacant hallway in hopes of finding the source, but after the second or third call for help my feet developed a mind of their own, drawing me closer and closer to the dark unknown. I passed door after door, pressing my ear upon each one lightly for any indication of disruption behind them, and one after the other they held nothing but disappointment. Confirmation only came upon reaching the sixth and final door down that long, dimly lit corridor, as I barely pressed my lobe against the thick, metal door before I heard that unmistakable voice I had been searching for.

“He’ll talk, if the fucker knows what’s good for him. We ain’t stoppin’ till he does.”

A thud came next, with the all too familiar noise of fists raining down against skin and bones. That was probably reason enough for any ordinary person to not pry further, to not delve further into the looming danger, but sadly not for me. My slightly trembling hand clutched the tarnished silver handle of the door, twisting it open with the most minor of movements until it was released from its lock. I ever so gently pressed the door open just a crack, standing in the frame completely unnoticed as I looked on in horror at the scene before me.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had to have been dreaming, or more accurately, enduring a terrible, terrible nightmare. It wasn’t Negan’s menacing presence, gleefully swinging Lucille by his side as he paced up and down a few steps at a time, and it wasn’t his burly accompaniment of men brandishing a variety of weapons or bloodied hands, that shocked me beyond belief. It was in fact what lay just beyond their tall, domineering figures. Helplessly sat before them was a young man, a prisoner, with rope wrapped painfully tightly around his wrists and ankles securing him to the frame of a wooden chair. His face was beaten and bloodied, with purple stained cheeks and eye sockets and burst lips that oozed an unsightly amount of blood. His tawny hair was scraggly and matted in places, and his nose appeared to be so contorted that I wondered if it was possible only one man could be responsible for such damage. He couldn’t have been much older than Carl, maybe only by three or four years, _even looked like him too._ Much too young for the grave, misfortunate fate that had happened upon him. I recognised him though, from that day on the run with the Saviours. He was the frightful body that leapt from the closet and dashed from the building, right after Kyle’s body had fallen to the floor in a mass of blood. I could barely recall his name, _Alex,_ I thought. But why was he here? Why was he so helplessly at the mercy of the Saviours? But there was little time for questions, as what I saw next caused me to wince with horror. I gingerly took a few small steps until I stood a little more inwardly, and watched in a frozen state while one of Negan’s confederates began placing series of grey iron nails just at the tips of the man’s shaking fingertips.

“I’ll give you one last fuckin’ chance Alex, before shit gets real fuckin’ messy,” Negan spoke with booming authority, before crouching down before him, mere inches from this face as he stared into his eyes. “Where, the fucking fuck, are my god damn guns?”

“Please…” he whimpered, at a barely audible level. Yet unsurprisingly, Negan showed no mercy, and simply let out a frustrated sigh as he gave a nod to the Saviour by his side.

[SECOND GIFFFFFFFFFFFFF]

Still holding the iron nails at the edge of the boy’s fingernails, the murky looking Saviour turned and glanced over a nearby silver tray, where his fingertips gently trailed over an arrangement of ghastly looking instruments of torture. In the end, he settled for a weighty hammer, which he removed from the tray and began dangling before the poor boy, playfully swing it back and forth in a sadistic manner. They were torturing him for information, that much was clear. All for the sake of some fucking guns, they threatened to drive each and every one of those pieces of metal underneath his fingernails, tearing their way through the sensitive nail bed, splitting the nails at their root and bloodying their way down his long fingers that now trembled vigorously. Tears streamed from his eyes and he was shaking uncontrollably, as the vile specimen of a man pulled his arm back, steadying the hammer tightly gripped in his palms before he brought it crashing forward with brutal force. The boy’s shrieks filled the air as he screamed out in deafening agony, his body now writhing in pain beneath his restraints, as blood trickled down the lengths of his fingers and dripped upon the floor.

[THIRD GIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF]

Just as the blunt metal of the hammer came into contact with the nail, I gasped and let out a horrified squeal, faltering backwards and stumbling on my feet as I clattered into the door behind me. All of the men, including Negan, sharply turned their heads to face the source of an intruder, taking in the sight of my wide eyes and terrified expression. Their faces all threatening and vulgar all locked onto mine, as I fled with haste from the scene. I ran as fast as my feet would allow me to, fumbling up the stairs of the _Sanctuary_ , running from heavy footsteps that trailed behind.

“Shit!” Negan’s voice had thundered out the moment I had escaped. “You deal with him; I’ll deal with this shit. And lock this fucking door you fucking idiots!”

He caught up fast, pacing down the halls and climbing the stairs swiftly behind me, breaking out into a run as we reached the top floor and I sped towards his room, ready to lock myself away out of sight and hide from the horrors that had been concealed behind that door. Either that or the rage within would surely amount to some sort of physical violence that Negan himself would be on the receiving end of. Then all of a sudden, I felt the tight grip of a hand wrapped around my upper arm, yanking me back a few steps and slamming me against a wall.

“What, the mother fucking hell, makes you think for one god damn _fucking_ second, that you had any fucking right to sneak up on me and my men? Let alone when I’m in the middle of the fucking mother of all interrogations, I...” he growled furiously as his dark eyes burned with intensity.

“Get the hell off me Negan!” I interrupted, screaming in his face as I attempted to free my hands from their pinned position on the wall behind me. My body wrestling beneath him was soon pressed firmly against the wall as he restrained me, and I found my wrists gripped by one of Negan’s large hands while the other held me tightly by my waist.

[FOURTH GIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF]

“What, you don’t want me to fucking touch you anymore, doll?” he questioned threateningly, with his lips pursed tightly shut as his eyes proceeded to dart up and down my body that had been squirming under his hold. “Don’t want me to fucking kiss you?”

All of a sudden, Negan’s face had found its way just inches away from my own, with his hot breath against my skin and his soft lips that had forced their way forward onto mine, caressing my skin all the while he wrestled for dominance. His tongue parted my lips and tingled against my own as we shared a heated moment, just as tempting and tantalising as the rest, but after a moment’s weakness my senses surely brought me back to reality. My lips had wanted so badly to give into his sensational touch on my skin, but it seemed every fibre of my being screamed for release from his hold. And so, I did the only thing I could think of in that moment that would surely tear our desperate, interlocked lips away from one another. I bit down, _hard_ , on Negan’s lower lip until he angrily cursed to himself and pulled away, taken aback by the sharp pain and blood surfacing from the cut. With a fearsome expression and the most ominous stare that refused to falter, he took one thumb and caressed his ruby stained lips, wiping the blood from them as he did. I hadn’t seen this look in him since the day I first came here and had chosen to disobey orders by opting for a little walker killing spree. Only this time, it was safe to say I was in _much_ deeper shit.

This was my cue. I darted away from Negan as quickly as possible and made a bee line for the door just a little way down the hall. And I’d reached it this time to my delight, relishing in the prospect of slamming those heavy doors behind me with Negan out of sight and preferably out of mind. But just as my hands had grasped the cool brass doorknob, twisted it and opened the door ever so slightly, it was pulled shut again with great force as Negan had barged his way in front of me and so rudely stopped me from entering.

“Negan-“ I began to argue, _beg_ even, but was soon interrupted when Negan had cornered in on me once more and had pushed me firmly against the door, with his hand resting hard upon my shoulder.

“Listen to me little girl, and you listen fucking good. What you saw down there, that’s fucking nothing compared to what I can _really_ do. You’ve seen some of it, the killing, the torture, but you have no fucking idea. That shit, is the tip, of the mother fucking iceberg. And despite all that? Well, the hard fucking truth is that you still fucking like me. Still fucking _want_ me. And you can deny that shit ‘til the fucking sun goes down, but we both know that’s the truth. So what the fuck does that say about you, huh?”

“Go to hell,” I spat back, consumed by a seething rage as his words verbally attacked me. But my response only amused him further, as he let out a quiet chuckle and allowed a smirk to consume his lips, before his face eventually returned to its serious demeanour.

“This is the world now, doll. You best get fucking used to it, ‘cause I certainly have. I do shit like this, day in, day out. I do it to fucking protect my people, to protect what we fucking have here. Everything we’ve built here, did not come fucking easy, and we fight to the fucking death to preserve it. Do I fucking _like_ doing this shit? Not always, but I fucking do it, because I have to. This… this is fucking living nowadays.”

“That being said,” he continued, with a grin plastered across his face once more and a devious twinkle in his eye, as he peered down into my eyes and began to taunt me. “I wouldn’t mind taking a fucking swing of Lucille to your precious Daryl back there. Lucille would fucking _love_ to make his acquaintance, if you know what I mean. You do, know what I mean. Hell, I am just _dying_ to scratch that itch.”

He watched for a moment, looking to relish in any tiny glimmer of annoyance or frustration that would be evident upon my face as he mercilessly goaded me with his words. They had had the desired effect, as with eyes drawn forward avoiding his gaze I gritted my teeth hard and tightly clenched my fists in a desperate attempt to conceal my fury.

“I hate you,” I blurted out, the fire now wild in my eyes. “And I promise you Negan, I _will_ fucking kill you one day.”

“Is that so. You think I won’t fucking kill you first, doll?” he sneered as he stepped a little closer, lessening the distance between us until we were standing uncomfortably close to one another. “You are very good at putting on this fucking act, but that’s all it is, a fucking act. You pretend like you aren’t afraid, like you aren’t fucking scared shitless of me, but I see every single hair on the back of your neck stand up when I so much as fucking enter the room. I see you fucking shake and tremble when I get anywhere even remotely close to you. That makes you weak, and weakness will get you killed. And like I said, I will kill you if I have to. ‘Cause let’s face it doll. You’re a good fuck, hell, you’re downright fucking entertaining too. But that is all you are to me. A fuck. We’re not friends, we’re not fucking husband and wife, you’re just a fucking lay for me. _You’re nothing_. I don’t care about you, and I don’t fucking trust you. So believe me when I say that I am always ready and waiting for the moment I have to put you the fuck down.”

His sharp words had hit hard, choking me as I fought for a response that wouldn’t come, but in the end - he was right. We _weren’t_ friends, and we certainly _weren’t_ husband and wife. We were… _We had been…_ I don’t even know what we’d been.

For the final time that night, I snatched myself away from his strong hold upon me, and to my relief, he loosened his grip upon my shoulder and allowed me to finally leave his presence. I entered through the door that led to his room alone, closed the door firmly shut behind me, and slumped to the floor as the bitter words sunk like a heavy anchor in my chest.

_‘You’re nothing.’_


	30. His

I'd never doubted myself yet. Not for a minute, not for a second. But the moment one egotistical asshole, sorry, _two_ assholes, start belittling you, redefining who you are and labelling you with the lowest of the fucking low of nicknames? You end up alone, with nothing but self-pity and sheer embarrassment clouding your judgement as you actually start to succumb to the ridiculous persona of you that these people have created. How did I even end up here? Until now, I had been one of the most head strong, courageous and pretty unbreakable people left alive in this world. I'd faced death all too many times and lived to tell the tales, I'd torn apart and gutted the walking dead as a means of survival, and I'd killed too many of the living in order to protect the ones I loved with not even a moment’s hesitance. So why in God’s name, had I fell so hard into this downward spiral the moment this man had walked into our lives, swinging that God damn bat so gleefully by his side?

Was this Negan’s plan all along – to break me? Yet one more crucial blow delivered to the Alexandrians that had rained down a massacre upon one of his precious outposts and the people within in. Was he happy now? I'd already lost one of my dearest friends at his merciless hands, betrayed possibly the one person that _initially_ actually cared about me, and let's not forget I'd been labelled as nothing more than a ‘fucking whore.’ And now, a most predictable ending to whatever this whole encounter with one another had been, here I was, once more being discarded as nothing more than a _lay_ , a good fuck to pass the time in between brutal raids and murderous rampages. I should've known. So once again, _how_ did I end up here?

Specifically, here, was in fact crammed into the furthest corner of the passenger side seat of Negan’s rusty black truck, while he sat driver side with hands firmly positioned on the wheel and his focused eyes held forward onto the road. Meanwhile, I continued to stare mindlessly out of the window with heavy, reddened eyes, allowing the cool air blowing inwards to cool my skin, all the while keeping me refreshed and alert. I hadn't slept at all last night, even with the absence of Negan from the room and the massive breadth of his overly indulgent mattress to myself, I continued to toss and turn into the early hours of the morning. Where Negan had chosen to retreat to, I had no idea. Perhaps he hadn't returned out of utter frustration from such a heated confrontation that night, afraid that one of us might actually make good on our promises to kill one another. _He_ sure seemed ready to. Or a much more plausible explanation - he'd gone off to explore the all too tempting pussy of one of his beloved wives to relieve a little tension. Not that it mattered anymore. _Not that I cared._ He could damn well do whatever and whoever he pleased; I would be rid of his company soon enough, no longer subject to his scathing criticisms and loathsome remarks. Much sooner than I had realised, it appeared, for at the very end of the long stretch of road we had been advancing along for the past few hours stood erect the large gates of Alexandria, ready to welcome me home.

“ **Well** ,” Negan said with a slight exhale as he spoke, his gruff voice finally breaking the silence we had endured on such a painfully long venture. “ **Here we are. A few more minutes and you'll be safe and fucking sound in the comfort of your pretty little home. Must be pretty fucking excited, huh?** ” His head tilted in my direction as he waited obliviously for some sort of answer. Sure, he could be blissfully unaware of the rantings and ramblings going on in my head, but to sit there so nonchalantly and act as if he hadn't stung me hard with his words just the previous night was an absolute insult. Of course he was met with further silence, as I pursed my lips tightly shut and refused to engage in his unbelievable petty small talk.

“ **What, no parting words? No long, heartfelt fucking goodbyes?** ”

“ **Nope** ,” I snapped back. I couldn’t even give him the gratification of meeting his gaze, for fear that I would erupt into either a fit of rage or flood of tears. As we slowly came to a stop, shortly followed by Negan's accompaniment of vehicles, his eyes set their sights on where I sat and took in the stern look upon my face and the all too hostile body language I had been emitting in his favour.

“ **I find that hard to fucking believe, doll. After all, we-** “ he began again, with an alluring tone laced in his words and his usual smirk displayed upon his face, ready to make some crude innuendo no doubt that was soon to be cut off by a sharp outburst that I could no longer contain.

 **“After** **all what, Negan? Why are you even talking to me? Why are you putting in the fucking effort right now?** ” I argued, hands lifting and gesturing as I let out my frustrations.

He simply paused for a moment as I gave in and allowed my rage filled eyes to bear into him, before a small scoff escaped his lips and he looked on with raised eyebrows and a look of amused bewilderment. It appeared even after all this time, and all the countless instances where I had so boldly fought him on his actions and challenged him on his very words, that to this day he still found himself taken aback and rendered speechless.

“ **Excuse me?** ”

“ **You need me to spell it out for you? We both know you’re not that much of a fucking idiot. Just do me a favour and stop fucking bothering me, will you?** ” And with those final parting words, I grabbed the handle of the truck door tightly, pushed open the door and hoisted myself out of the vehicle, feet in the dirt and a little too ready to put this whole mess behind me.

From behind me I heard the coarse sound of his voice calling my name, irritated in his tone, but it was no use as I drowned the sound of him out by slamming the heavy door hard against the truck and taking a few strides forward towards the creaky gates that were being slung open before us. Meanwhile, he was left alone in that driver’s seat, watching on with remorse as I had turned my back to him, with no intent of ever looking back. With a great sigh escaping his lips and a moment of running his one bare hand over his coarse stubbled face, feeling every short strand run through his fingers, he too leapt from the truck onto the dirt ridden path and slammed his own door behind him with even greater force as the frustration within him grew.

But whatever he had to say no longer mattered, at least not in this moment. Even his thunderous, heavy footsteps trudging through the dirt and gravel, making their way over to where I stood, seemed almost insignificant. All that mattered now was what lay before me; the sight of white houses lined up in a row, a serene reservoir surrounded by neatly tended flower beds, and the wonderfully familiar faces that inhabited this paradise crowded before me. As I looked upon each and every one of their faces, relishing this moment of once more being back in their precious company, I suddenly felt a wave of emotion flood through my body, happy and joyous, threatening to allow tears of relief to break through and leave a trail down my cheeks. I was home at last, back to the people I had missed so much over these past weeks, those who I loved more than anything in this world. It came as no surprise to me that Rick was the first to welcome me home, stood at the forefront of the others with arms extended and a great smile on his face as he beckoned me forward. But before I could lose myself in such a warm embrace, the annoyingly familiar feeling of large hands gripping around my upper arm stopped me in my tracks and I found myself being yanked backwards to meet Negan's menacing dark eyes.

“ **The hell…?!** ” I exclaimed as I was drawn backwards, and pulled in closely until Negan’s sharp facial hair grazed my cheek and his breath was hot against my ear.

“ **This isn’t fucking over, doll,** ” he grumbled lowly. _Really? This isn’t fucking over? Is he for real?!_ I looked upon his dark sinful eyes with furrowed brows, angry and in disbelief as I managed to snatch myself away from his hold.

“ **Yeah, Negan. It really fucking is.** ”  

And I meant it. I was ready to put as much distance between myself and this abhorrent man as possible. I didn’t need to hear any of his pathetic explanations that would excuse his actions, and I certainly didn’t care to hear him charm his way out of this one. As far as I was concerned, Negan and I were done. I never needed to see or speak to him again. With that in mind, I happily turned my back to the man, hearing him mutter beneath his breath as I did, and paced forward into the comforting arms of Rick whose arms wrapped around me tightly, lifting me from the ground as he did.

“ **You’re back** ,” he mumbled with relief. “ **Are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything? He didn’t-** ”

“ **No Rick,** ” I reassured him with a gentle smile as the two of us loosened our grip and stepped back from one another. “ **I’m okay. I can take care of myself, remember?** ”

“ **Yeah, I remember** ,” he replied with a smile.

Taking a few steps back, the corners of my mouth found themselves curling upwards into the biggest grin, absolutely overjoyed the moment I spied Rosita shifting in her place, with arms crossed impatiently as she waited for our interaction to come to an end. What a relief it was knowing that I would be once again spending my mornings with my best friend, drinking coffee, complaining about the world and taking our stresses out on the undead. This girl was home to me. So it was no surprise when all of a sudden her body came leaping forward, almost knocking me to my feet as she greeted me with undeniable excitement, welcoming me into yet another hug with arms wrapped tightly around my neck.

“ **God I’ve missed you,** ” I mumbled beneath all of the soft dark hair scattered across her neck.

“ **Don’t you fucking dare take off this time, _perra,_** ” she warned playfully.

“ **Not a chance. You’re stuck with me for good this time.** ”

A few moments passed and after what felt like an embrace that she would never let end, she finally released me for fear of suffocation, when came another well received display of affection from Carl, who came running in my direction with arms outstretched offering me a warm and loving hug, exhaling a sigh of relief as he held himself there for a minute or so. Michonne followed next, with one arm extended and a beaming smiling as she neared, alongside sweet Judith who had been attached to her hip and tugging playfully on her long thick locks.

“ **Y/N!** ” a familiar woman’s voice called out from the distance, before she came into sight and soon found her way hurtling towards where I stood.

“ **Tara!** ” I whispered, running to greet her and comfort her with a hug. It had been weeks since I’d seen or spoken to Tara after she last left Alexandria alongside Heath, with hopeful intent to bring back a range of medicines and supplies. It seemed like such a long time ago now, before our disastrous encounter with Dwight and the Saviours by the train tracks, and before that horrifying night out in the woods with Negan. “ **It's good to see you. I'm so sorry ab-** “

“ **Alright that's fucking enough. I physically cannot stand by and watch this boring ass shit one fucking minute longer. Rick, why don't you be a fucking dear and lead us to that nice and shiny armoury of yours.** ” Negan's booming voice had broken through our rejoices as he had squared up to Rick and brashly made his demands.

For a moment those of us collected before him exchanged a range of confused and concerned looks, as Negan threatened to take an even larger amount of our stash of weapons and ammunition. He'd already left us with barely enough to survive on, after talking at least half of our stock during his last visit. But now the prospect of more being carted away, never to be seen again? How would we hunt? How would we fight or kill? This was a death sentence.

“ **Negan, w-we already…** ” Rick's feeble voice stuttered a defence.

“ **I’m sorry, did you think I was fucking asking you motherfuckers? I don't give a fuck what we took last time or the time before that or even the time before that. We take, what we take. Do I need to fucking beat that into you? Take me, to the fucking armoury.** ”

We all stood silent, holding our breath and watching intently as we awaited Rick's next move. Some time ago we might've expected him to have taken a different approach, one that might've involved sharp words and one or two threats that would've left any daring opponents cowering before him. Instead, we saw him frantic and trembling as he was forced into submission by the unforgiving leader of the Saviours, who had taken great pleasure in belittling and degrading one of ours before our very eyes. When we would have usually expected fierce confrontation, there was only silence, before Rick found himself helplessly leading the way deeper into our small community, as Negan sauntered behind him with a Cheshire cat like grin upon his face.

It only took a few minutes after Negan and Rick were out of earshot, and the surrounding Saviours had dispersed with them, before I found my eyes desperately searching amongst the crowds and the houses for the few faces I had come to realise we're absent.

“ **Rosita, where's Daryl?** ”

“ **He's out scavenging or hunting or something. He should be back in a day or two.** ”

“ **He's alone?”**

“ **He’ll be fine, Y/N. Daryl’s a big boy, he can handle himself out there against a load of dead assholes out there,”** she quickly reassured with a gentle smile that would only be met with concerned eyes and my worried expression.

**“Yeah, it’s not the dead ones I’m worried about. What about Carol and Morgan, they back yet?”**

“ **No, still no sign of them. I'm sure they're fine though. C’mon, enough with the questions. Let’s go get some coffee and catch up.”** I simply nodded and offered a polite smile in response, following her and Tara as they made their way towards the house I called home here, all the while feeling a little too queasy and uncomfortable as I thought of Daryl wandering beyond these walls alone and in God knows what state. I hoped more than anything that he was safe, and would return unscathed. But what exactly was I to expect when he _did_ return? What would we have to say to one another? Things were beyond _complicated_ between the two of us, and with the way things had developed with Negan this past week… perhaps it was a good thing he wasn’t around right now.

Five minutes later, Tara, Rosita and I were huddled upon one of the white painted benches that decorated the porch of my home, with steaming cups of strong, black coffee in our hands while the three of us looked out upon our blessed town being pillaged and plundered. One by one the Saviours marched in and out of our precious homes, boisterously laughing amongst themselves as they delved in without a care in the world. Negan himself could be seen in the distance, laughing to himself and excitedly parading around the square with an impressively large RPG he had just retrieved from our armoury.

 **“So that’s Negan, huh?”** Tara questioned through gritted teeth, refusing her eyes to stray from his figure that resided uncomfortably within our walls.

**“Yeah that’s him. The wolf himself.”**

**“He always that much of an ass?”**

**“Oh yeah,”** I laughed back, eyes fixated upon him while I watched him assertively command his men back and forth to his loading trucks. **“Pretty much all the time.”**

 **“So what happened while you were out there with them… you find out anything we can use?”** Rosita said with an abruptness in her tone that caught me off guard, unable to conceal the seething resentment she held for Negan and all the men he allowed to accompany him on such reprehensible _business._ But before I was able to rack my brain and come to a disappointing conclusion she would most definitely not appreciate hearing, we were interrupted by the deep grumbling voices of a hoard of men making their way in our direction, as they left the neighbouring house and proceeded towards mine. As they advanced further and poured their way through the front door, barely even taking note of our presence, one particularly hateful criminal amongst the men found himself straying from his objective until he found himself standing unwelcome amongst the three of us.

 **“Ro-si-ta,”** Dwight smugly mimicked, as she raised to her feet before him in a desperate attempt to flee from his unpleasant presence she had endured one too many times. But the much too loathsome cretin had other plans it seemed, as he attempted to block her path from leaving his company. **“And you are?”** he addressed his questions to Tara this time, but before he would receive an answer, Rosita grabbed her by the hand and ushered her out of sight, shoving Dwight with ample force as she passed by him.

 **“What,”** he said, redirecting his attention toward me, **“she not a fan?”**

A fan? _Please._ He was one of Negan’s men, and judging by the warped skin detailing half of his face, even _he_ wasn’t a fan of Dwight’s. And who could blame him? With every passing minute that I spent in the man’s presence I envisioned more and more ways of bringing the pathetic excuse of a man’s life to its merciless end.

 **“Well considering you killed her girlfriend, my guess would be no,”** I answered him coldly. He just stood in front of me silently for a few minutes looking even more puzzled, as he searched his brain for any recollection he had of bringing harm to Alexandrians.

 **“Oh, you mean…”** he began with a vile smirk upon his face as he recalled that brutal moment by the train tracks, raising one hand and crudely gesturing towards his eye with his index finger outstretched.

 **“Denise,”** I scoffed loudly, becoming more and more irate with every word that left his disgusting mouth. Either the annoyance in my tone had gone completely undetected or Dwight simply didn’t care, more than likely the latter, for all he responded with was a slight shake of the head whilst he drew a pack of cigarettes from his checkered t-shirt pocket. After retrieving one from the box, carefully placing it between his lips and taking a lighter to its tip, in the most bizarre fashion he extended the box in my direction and proceeded to offer me the contents.

What on earth was he doing? Was he delusional? We weren’t friends sharing a brief conversation during some cigarette break of our menial nine to five jobs. That thing was more likely to be laced with poison than with good intentions. After too long a moment’s hesitation and a perceived look of caution upon my face, he shook his head and laughed under his breath and he tucked the box neatly away.

 **“Why is he doing this Dwight? Why take all of our guns and leave us with nothing?”** I muttered, still intently watching Negan parade around Alexandria in the distance,

 **“He had something of Alexandria’s, and now he doesn’t, so of course he’s gonna take all your fucking guns,”** he said in between draws of the cig between his lips. I parted my lips as if to respond, but words seemed to fail me. _Not_ the answer I was expecting, and what would I even say to such a claim?

**“Seriously? You didn’t see this happening? You thought you were just gonna waltz in, piss him off or do whatever the hell it is that you did, and walk out no fucking consequences for you or your people? You started something here Y/N, and if you knew anything about Negan then you’d kn-”**

**“I _know_ Negan,” **I assured him I did. At least, I thought I did.

**“Then you know that whatever the hell you and him had going on, isn't over. Not until he says it is, and that’ll only happen when he finally gets what he wants. Whether that's all your shit, all your guns, or you. You think you're exempt from that because you're back here? Well you're not. Doesn’t matter what you do or where you go.”**

This was the first _real_ conversation Dwight and I had ever shared - one that didn’t involve one of us threatening to kill the other, making treacherous remarks or hell, even laying a hand upon the other.  Even so, his words seemed to have the same unpleasant effect they always had, as he looked toward me with an uncaring look that filled his eyes and unravelled an unfortunate fate to come, the same that had befallen upon him and a woman that he once loved.

The only thing that broke this uncomfortably sincere moment the two of us were sharing, was the loud clattering of bodies now barging their way out from the nearby entrance to my home, some carrying an assortment of weapons they had been instructed to retrieve. Dwight let out a tired sigh as he stubbed the whittled down cigarette out onto the porch railing, and began descending down the steps in the direction of his counterparts, not before turning once more to where I stood and delivering a painful message.

 **“Do you get it now? All of us? We work for Negan, so we’re his. Your people are providing for him now, so they, are his. All the supplies that you’re out there so desperately trying to scavenge? Whether you kill for it or you steal it, all of that shit is still his. And you? Yeah, you better believe it. You’re his.”**  


	31. Whatever He Wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait, business has actually been good for me lately but that has a sucky impact on my writing thingys. For maybe two-three weeks I'll be taking a break from updating and spending time with my family over the holidays, so don't expect to see much I'm afraid. But I will still be writing, so hopefully that just means I can get a little bit ahead with the fic. Thank you all for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season :) xo

Today was a bright, and incredibly beautiful day. I mean, sure, all of the rest seemed so much the same, with the sun shining down on us all and its warm rays soaking into our skin, but today especially was brighter, and more beautiful than the rest. There was no question about it, the reason for it being that my feet were currently dug into the familiar turf of Alexandria’s green grassy stretches, surrounded by wholesome and loving people that were a breath of fresh air in comparison to the recent company I had endured. White picket fences and porch swings, blooming flowerbeds and clean kept streets – this place was a safe haven for all those that cherished it, truly blissful and idyllic. Or at least, it would return to that state the moment the _vermin_ had crawled out of this place and back to their hole they called home.

The Saviours still loitered and made their horribly unwelcome presence known amongst us. There were the tens of men, distasteful and aggressive in their approach as they made their way quickly and efficiently through each and every one of Alexandria’s previously undisturbed properties, raiding them of their contents and retrieving all manner of weapons. They made short work of our loving, humble abodes, tearing them apart and ransacking them from head to toe while we were left to reverse such a state of despair.

Then there were the few amongst them that stood out in particular over the others, those that led and commanded the herd forward, assuming a higher rank not only over the other men but in fact over us too. The right hands and kiss asses of the big bad boss man. Yeah, I'm talking about Dwight here. Who did he think he was? With his, ‘ _you started something_ ’ and _‘you're his’_ bullshit. _Asshole._

And then there was Negan himself, whose tall, slick, confident frame could be seen in the distance pacing back and forth before Rick, as he continued to watch over his men with pride. Pistols, rifles, a few machine guns and not one, but two RPGs had been looted and personally hand delivered to the leader of the Saviours. In return, he had of course sarcastically expressed his admiration and gratuity towards Rick for enforcing such a smooth and effortless interaction on our part. Smooth and effortless that was, until, one small hitch developed.

Emerging from one of the white panelled buildings only a few meters from where Negan stood, came a distressed cry and whimpering voice as the familiar face was shoved forward, with a gun thrust into her shoulder blade from behind. Olivia, with her dark hair and framed eyes sobbed and trembled as she was dragged from indoors and made to stand before the fearsome man himself, all the while a fierce looking woman with dark eyes and streaked hair breathed heavily down her neck, her blood boiling and ready to pull the trigger the moment Negan commanded it. Arrat, I believed her name to be - I’d heard it mumbled over radios once or twice during my stay at the Sanctuary. She was a woman with a cold, heartless expression and strict demeanour, completely devoid of any emotion as she ushered a sweet and defenceless woman forward. It was obvious that Negan would favour her.

It only took a matter of minutes before all voices were raised and weapons hoisted around as they threatened the lives before them, drawing the attention of all of Alexandria’s inhabitants to the scene. Olivia shook while tears streamed down her face, a frantic Rick stood beneath her and Negan with his arms flailing and begging for reason, and Negan stood firm and unbending before the both of them. Whatever plea Rick made in that moment was so effortlessly shut down the moment Negan’s gloved hand outstretched and clasped onto Rick’s jaw, tight upon his skin and bones while he shot a fearsome warning glance his way. I watched with intent, we all did, but we stood safely out of earshot unable to make out their conversation, and had to wait patiently for Rick to reveal the cause of the disruption, that is the moment Negan finally released him from his hold. The moment he was able to put distance between the two of them, Rick marched with his head down and his fists balled by his side, across the asphalt and grassy stretch to where I stood alongside a few other Alexandrians. As he mustered up the words he had been sent out to deliver, he ran one hand over his stubbled jaw and shook his head before speaking.

**“We have a problem. The Saviours have checked the inventory list for the armoury and it looks like it’s short by two guns.”**

**“How is that possible?”** Aaron questioned, perplexed at such an outcome.

 **“Carol and Morgan, did they-”** I began suggesting, but Rick dismissed it as soon as he heard their names.

**“No, they’ve got guns but theirs never made it to the armoury’s list. Look, the Saviours aren’t gonna leave until they walk out of here with damn near every weapon we have here. And if we don’t find the ones that are missing, they’re threatening to kill Olivia. If any of you guys know where they are, please, come forward now. This doesn’t have to go any further than it already has. But if one of you are hiding something from these people and they find out... someone _will_ die.” **

An awkward silence followed Rick’s proclamation, while worrisome glances were exchanged between us all as we fretted the outcome of the Saviours’ visit. Father Gabriel stood by, both equally concerned and hopeful for a resolution, while Aaron and Eric shifted uncomfortably as Negan’s threats rang true in their minds and Spencer, quite nonchalantly, diverted his attention elsewhere. Meanwhile, Negan could be seen just a short while away displaying a gleaming smile in our direction, as one hand firmly gripped the back of Olivia’s neck causing her to squirm under his hold. And the look on his face? I’d seen it far too many times. It was that _don’t forget who you’re messing with, I’m top dog around here_ expression that he delivered with a grin so very often. Not to mention the devious twinkle in his eyes that had caught mine a few times now, before I could quickly glance away. Rick was right, someone _would_ die if we didn’t get those guns.

 **“I’ll ask around,”** I said with a nod.

 **“Thank you Y/N. The rest of you, I need you all to search the houses and see if you can find these guns. They’re here somewhere, let’s just make sure we find them,”** Rick instructed and set out with the others to begin turning over the contents of our homes.

The following hour passed quickly as I’d scoured our entire community, questioning every person I could find on the whereabouts of these hidden weapons, but it seemed my efforts were in vain. I’d scoured my own home several times over, although almost certain I there was nothing to find in any of those rooms. And as for asking around, not one person came forth with an admission and things soon began to look grim as the Saviour’s threats to off yet another of ours loomed over us. This all had to be some huge misunderstanding, I repeated in my head over and over as I searched for an explanation. Perhaps Olivia had simply made a mistake with her data and miscalculated our inventory? A mistake no doubt that she would come to regret. Looking over to her from the nearby bench I’d perched myself upon, she’d somehow managed to calm her uncontrollable shaking, although hadn’t been able to suppress the tears that continued to stream from her eyes and trail down her cheeks. It was time to admit the awful reality that I had hoped to avoid. That I might have to take matters into my own hands, and deal with Negan myself in any desperate attempt to fix this ugly mess. _Not that he would hear it of course._ He wasn’t likely to ever entertain a single word from my mouth after our less than pleasant farewell earlier today. But to my absolute relief, it wasn’t much longer before Rick had emerged from one of the houses and made a beeline towards Negan, holding in his palms the very items we had been searching high and low for. Who knows where he’d found them and who was to blame for their disappearance, when all that mattered in the end was that Olivia was safe once more, and the Saviours had begun their departure from our precious community.

 **“Good riddance,”** Rosita’s familiar voice scoffed from behind, as she made her way over to where I sat and slumped herself down next to me.

**“Yeah, you’re telling me. Tara okay?”**

**“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s upset but… she’s not stupid enough to go after them just yet.”**

I nodded, relieved and a little appreciative to hear of Tara’s approach. These men were dangerous, I’d come to see that, and the last thing I wanted was to find her on the receiving end of their inflictions. The barbaric arrangement of tools laid out and all that blood escaping from that boy’s body – I shuddered at the thought. So when an uncomfortable silence had fallen over the two of us, I all too quickly spurred us back into conversation in an attempt to distract my troubled mind.

**“C’mon then. Fill me in. It’s been two whole weeks since I’ve been kicking around this place, what’s been happening here?”**

**“Nothing really. I guess people are just recovering,”** Rosita responded somewhat dismissively, before her eyes fixated upon her palms that lay in her lap and a sheepish smile flashed across her face. **“I’ve been sleeping with Spencer.”**

 **“Spencer?! You’ve got to be shitting me…”** I shrieked with utter disbelief. Had I been drinking I would have choked and spluttered water outwardly upon hearing his name. It wasn’t that he wasn’t good looking, because he certainly was, if you liked that clean-cut smarmy do-gooder sort of thing. But Rosita and I had mocked him to ourselves a thousand times over, often joking that in a world where your survival depended on your ability to kill the undead, his only use would be looking good as he _attempted_ to fight, while another inevitably came to his rescue.  I tried to calm my overly surprised expression and shocked nature, but it was no use as I questioned further with my eyebrows raised in her direction. **“Why?! It’s Spencer for God’s sake! I mean, not to sound so judgemental or anything… he just never seemed like your type.”**

 **“He’s not,”** she admitted with a slightly bashful smile upon her face. **“I don’t know, he’s an idiot, and he’s totally naïve just like we pretty much always knew he was. But he’s a cute idiot. At least he’s good for something, right?”**

The two of us laughed amongst ourselves and for the first time in what felt like forever, I felt a spark of genuine happiness. To be giggling and talking about boys like teenage girls with someone so close to my heart, seemed like one of life’s little gifts these days. At least, that was how I felt until she’d turned the tables and began to question my own activity these past few weeks. A reality I would surely never be ready to admit.  

**“What about you and Negan? What the hell happened with the two of you out there, anyway?”**

_Shit._ What was I supposed to say? He’s a murderous, rampaging maniac and I crawled into bed with him the moment an opportunity presented itself? Well… that wasn’t _entirely_ true. Or should I lie? Should I spare her the ugly truth and put those days well behind me in hopes of moving forward?

 **“Nothing, I swear…”** but as quickly as the lie had begun, my words trailed off into further silence.

**“Y/N…”**

This was it. It was time to spill all, revealing the highs and lows involved with my time away from these walls I called home. And the best way I supposed to handle it was with honesty. Brutal, probably get me shunned and exiled, honesty. _Brace yourself, Y/N, this could get ugly._

**“Okay, not nothing. A lot, actually. So I’ll just start from the beginning I guess. So… I got there, and from day one the plan was to keep my head down and just lay low until I got back home, y’know? But the moment I got in that damn truck with him, all kinds of shit started to happen. First we came across a damn herd of walkers on the way to the Sanctuary, we’re talking at least a hundred of them. I couldn’t believe it when they all got out ready to take them all on. He… Negan, told me to stay put and not leave the truck, but stupid me got out when a walker started crawling up on me, and that was that. I got carried away with my knives and, I guess I pissed him off right from the get go. Even more so when he found a few days later that I was at that satellite station.”**

**“He knows what you did there?”** Rosita questioned, the concern evident in her tone.

 **“Yeah, he asked me about it but he already knew anyway,”** I shrugged.

**“Shit. How did you even make it out alive?”**

**“I have no fucking clue,”** I turned to her and scoffed, before continuing. **“Then there was the shit with Dwight. Asshole was parading round the place with Daryl’s fucking crossbow believe it or not. I wanted so bad to wipe that smug look off his face. Of course I pissed him off real bad when I made a deal with Negan to get it back, you should've seen his f-”**

All of a sudden Rosita’s caring and compassionate side had all but disappeared, and in its place were here cold, unfocused eyes that looked out into the distance, as she cut me off with a question she had forced through gritted teeth.

**“What deal?”**

**“It was,”** I began, letting out a sigh as I came to realise just how disappointed in me she too would become after hearing of the events that followed. **“Whatever he wanted.”**

**“So, he went and got it for me, and what he wanted was for the two of us to… shower together. Then, stuff happened between us. But it was just that one time. And I tried to put it behind me and pretend it never happened Ros, I really did. But then I came back here and shit blew up with me and Daryl and I just wasn’t seeing clearly.”**

**“What else?”** She pressed further, her tone distant and unforgiving. She didn’t even turn to take in my apologetic, pleading eyes that were practically begging her for forgiveness.

**“I went back there, and pretty much just sulked around the Sanctuary for a few days, until Negan actually put me to use and took me out on a run with him and his men. I figured it would be good to see how they operated, y’know? Anyway we were out checking this little row of houses and we took on a few walkers, I even saved the poor bastard from one of them. And then this guy, shit… he jumped out on us with a gun and was ready to pull the damn trigger. So I just… ended it. Then when we got back, Negan and I got to talking and… things just kinda happened from there too. But then a couple days ago, I saw some really terrifying shit. They were fucking torturing a kid. They had him tied to a chair an-”**

But before I had a chance to continue, and warn her of all the horrible ways they inflicted pain upon one of their poor, defenceless victims, my words were brought to a stop as Rosita had leapt up from where she sat. She’d sat alongside me while I’d described my time with Negan, all the while her jaw tensed and her tongue ran over the front of her teeth. And now, she’d clearly had enough.

**“Rosita, what’re you-”**

Just as I called out her name, she turned on her heels to face me and made no attempt to hide the riled expression she was emitting. There was no laughter in her eyes and no love in her face that I had become so accustom to, only fury.

 **“Seriously?”** she began her verbal attack, raising her voice and gesturing violently with her hands. **“What, you expected me to just sit here and be totally fine with the fact that _not only_ did you save that _cabron’s_ life, who killed Abraham with a damn fucking bat right in front of our fucking eyes, who'll no doubt try to kill more of us the minute he gets a damn chance, but you fucking _slept_ with him too?”**

 **“I just…”** I tried to find the words that would somehow justify my actions, the same way I had tried to with Daryl just one week ago. But it was no use, there were no words that would tame the fire within her and I was left with no choice but to sit before Rosita and let her harsh words rip me to shreds.

 **“Just what? And to think, you had the fucking _audacity_ to question who the fuck I spend my time with, when you’ve been sleeping around with the damn enemy?! Go to hell, Y/N,” **she spat hurtfully, pointing her finger all the while yelling so aggressively. Her hair whipped round as she turned sharply and began to storm off in the opposite direction, not before turning one last time and delivering a last crucial blow.

**“Oh, and Abraham’s funeral is tomorrow. Y’know, if you can tear yourself away from Negan long enough to bother.”**

There it was. All she had to say to me for everything I had done to her, to Daryl, and to the rest of the people here at Alexandria. What a disgrace I had been to them, what a _traitor_ I had become _._ Her words sunk in deep and I slumped further into the wooden bench beneath me, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my face behind them as I tried hard to fight back the tears that had burst through my hot, welling eyes.

I’d well and truly gone and done it now.

I’d _really_ betrayed them this time. 


End file.
